Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate all law enforcement, just about half. It’s mostly the ones who come at me with attitudes, and I can immediately tell they can’t stand my ass. Sorry I’ve got mental problems...do you fucking want them? I sure in the hell don’t. I wish it was as easy as just giving them to someone else, at least for a little while.
I have a friend who knows several of the officers around here, and this person let me know a little bit about what the officers around here think about me. It was no surprise to me at all some of the things I was told. Maybe I did a better job than what I thought in making them hate me. I know Randy Rains wouldn’t mind putting a bullet into my worthless ass, along with several officers from Sand Springs. I guess I’ve made a few enemies. Fuck all of ya’ll. I’m onto other things.
A person sent me an email asking me to post a picture of my ‘accident’, and at first I really didn’t want to do that, but I’ve changed my mind.
It’s been 9 days since the incident, and I have so far been able to keep it hidden from everyone around me. It has been stressing me a little knowing that I can’t let anyone see it and I have to wear long sleeves constantly. I still don’t want to explain it to them, because I still don’t have an answer to why I did what I did. Maybe some day I will figure it out.
5 comments:
Are you still having problems with someone harassing you or did they stop? For the record, no one from Sand Springs hates you, nor do they want to "put a bullet in you." There's only one officer there that even really knows who you are and he wishes no ill will against you. I don't think you can be in law enforcement and truly hate people that have problems. If you do, you've either been in too long and are burnt out, or you are heartless to begin with. As ironic as it might sound, I know my husband went in to LE to help people with problems, especially young people. Yes, he sometimes has negative feelings towards people because of the shit they do and things they say to him, but when it gets right down to it, he would love nothing more than for them to get better and have a happy life. I hope things get better for you.
~Bunny
Hello Bunny,
The person who was harassing me is still coming to my sites everyday, but mostly posting on my other site...
http://whathappenedtoprotectandserve.blogspot.com/
I guess that should be expected since most everything on there is about law enforcement officers that have been arrested.
He has also been talking to me in Klingon on this site...under the label yaS. Which I don't mind as long as it doesn't go into childish name calling. Its actually a good distraction.
I'm not so sure the officers from Sand Springs don't hate me. Hell, sometimes...most of time, I hate me. I'm sorry I sometimes feel like I can't control my own actions. I've been like this for as long as I can remember, always unpredictable.
Maybe there are a few good officers out there like your husband, I just don’t run across them very much. And I too would love to ‘get better and have a happy life’, but I don’t know if that is possible. Mental illness has played hell with my mind for to many years. Some days I think things are going to be okay, but on other days my mind takes me somewhere else.
Thanks for the words of encouragement, it has helped.
The older I get the more I realize that we're all crazy. We just have to find others that we're equally crazy to and can have fun with. Mental illness is a tough thing to deal with. Not to sound "churchy", but the best advice I can give you is to seek out a relationship with God. Just knowing that there's hope that one day you will be healthy and happy might help. You might find comfort in reading the Bible and praying. I know it might be difficult to believe in a heavenly father, especially if you didn't have a good example of one in the flesh and blood, but God is our heavenly father and he will help you if you ask.
"And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." (Revelation 21:3)
Best wishes to you.
~Bunny
I tried God when I was younger. Around age nine, a church van would come around every Sunday and pick up my 3 brothers, along with my two sisters and me. They did this all summer long, and I actually enjoyed going a lot of the times. Then one day my father cussed out the people who were coming to pick us up, because they honked the horn while he was taking a nap, we never went to that church every again.
Then things started changing, my half brother and half sister moved away, and a lot of abuse started. The following summer my half brother Will return, and that's when my older brother was shot in the lung by an arrow, by Will.
More abuse happened, and I began crying out to God, hoping for an answer, but I never even received acknowledgement that I even existed. The following summer after that was when my younger brother Rusty was shot in the chest with a 22.
My father did some crazy shit during the time my Mom was gone at the hospital with my brother, and each time I prayed for God to help me, He never once came to wipe away a single one of my tears. Some where around that time my father convinced me there was no God, and so calling out to God would not give me any relief.
Still, now days I sometimes find myself crying out to God, hoping maybe I will get an answer, or just one moment of peace, but it has never happened. If there is a God, he forgot about me a long time ago.
If believing works for you, I have no problem with that, I just don’t think it will ever help me.
I understand. You're not alone in feeling that way. I hope that you'll try again someday and maybe it will help. For me, there's something spiritually, mentally, and emotionally healing about feeling close to God, and I really can only feel that way when I seek him out through prayer and reading the Bible.
You also might try writing about positive things and experiences in your life. Dwelling on the pain, anger and negativity of life all the time can't be good for you. That's what it seems like you do. You've got to try to get out of that "victim mode". You might try doing something that boosts your self-esteem like trying things that you might not think you're capable of doing or taking an art class or anything that makes you feel proud of yourself.
~Bunny
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