Thursday, August 24, 2006


Someone who does something really stupid, and it results in negative consequences.
I can’t get the thought of suicide by cop out of my mind. Everyday, several times a day on the really bad days, I think about it, I dream about it, and how it will happen.

My whole body mind and soul hurts.
My mind is now blank,
But when I try to sleep my mind is filled with noise.
I feel nothing, yet I feel everything.

I’m trying to do all the things that I know that works to help bring me up out of this state of mind. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t want to injure myself just to make myself feel better. So instead I do really stupid shit, like fuck with law enforcement. Yeah I know that’s crazy as hell, but it works. What would you do if you’ve tried all the ‘normal’ ways to end your ‘crazy thoughts’ or depression, and it didn’t work? Then one day something happened and it woke you up like an electrical shock, and you no longer felt insane. Would you then continue to seek out a way to recreate that same feeling? I sometimes do... if I want to continue to live without injuring myself, and maybe one day succeed in taking my life, even if I didn't really me to.

Sorry to all those that I fucked with, but I have to do what works…Thanks NightOwl, Baker, Lawdog, Hollywood, Armadill, Cane, Mish, RedDragon, LEF, and anyone else who I might have forgotten. I'll try not to be too much of an AssClown.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Locked up in my own prison.

I knew it was coming…you know what I mean…something bad was going to happen. How did I know? Because every time something good happens that makes me smile, there is always something bad waiting to pounce on me like a tiger on it’s prey. It’s always just around the corner. Some people would call it Karma, but for it to be karma, I feel you have to first be doing something bad. How do you explain bad things happening to a person who never did anything wrong? From ages 1 thru 10 I can’t remember doing anything that would justify what was done to me. So now as an adult I’m suppose to believe that if I do something wrong Karma will come after me? Personally if that is the case, then I think karma owes me a few good times.
After several years of paying for a car I thought I had to have, I finally managed to pay it off. Now that it’s all broke down and in need of repair, it’s all mine. So I’m happy thinking about the extra money I will soon have. I decide to use a little money and purchase a few scratch off lottery tickets, and hooray!!! I won a total of 60 dollars. Not much but enough to make me smile. (I really have to search hard to find those moments in my life.) The really nice part came when for whatever reason, I was finally able to get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I was feeling on top of the world. I spent a little time cleaning out my pool, and took a nice swim all alone…uninterrupted!!! It was a glorious day.

Then came the leg sweep, the slap to the face, the kick to my ribs, the check move. I was on my way to pick up dinner for everyone when I passed Mr. Asshole, I own the world, I’m better than you will ever be, perfect life, perfect wife, everything will be done my way, Police Officer R. Rains. I saw him out of the corner of my eye but refused to make eye contact with him. But he sure took a good long hard look at me, and immediately turned around and tried to get in behind me. One truck blocked his path which allowed me a few minutes to get a little distance in-between him and me. Still he knew where I went and continued to follow me to the store. He parked across the street in another parking lot, and watched my every move. Still he did not stop me. I made it on to McDonalds to pick up a few burgers, and then made my way back to the house. As I neared my driveway I spotted him sitting across the highway, and of course as soon as he spotted me heading towards the house he dropped in behind me. I made it up to the house before he hit his lights, but called me back out to his car. He had me sit in the front seat of his car as he called me in. I listen to what came back over the radio, and just waited for him to tell me to step out of the car, so he could put the cuffs on me.

Instead he said he decided to be a nice guy, and wouldn’t take me to jail, but he didn’t want to see me driving around town again.

So now I can’t go anywhere without someone else taking me. I’ve been inside for so many days that I want to throw up. I want out of the house, alone, wind blowing through my hair, feasting my eyes on something other than the white walls that surround me.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

I still secretly wish for someone to lean on.

Twenty seven years ago today, I laid in a strange bed near my sister, wondering how my brother was doing, thinking about how things were going to change. I knew they were going to change, I just didn't know how bad it was going to get.

The blood on my swim suit had completely dried and was now a dark rusty brown color. It was past midnight but still could not stop thinking about things. I laid there in the dark with my eyes open just staring at the ceiling, feeling with my fingers the area where the blood had dried to a hard crust. I heard the sound of a floor creaking. Startled I strained my eyes to see if anyone was there in the dark where the noise had come from. Finally my eyes focused enough to see my Uncle peeping through the curtain that separated the bedroom from the living room. I started to speak up, but I didn’t want him to know I was still awake, so I squinted my eyes partly shut and stared in his direction. It wasn’t long before I figured out he was masturbating as he stood there staring at us while we slept.

My little sister had fallen sound asleep after Uncle Jack had giving her a bath, and hadn’t move since. I had taken a bath alone after she finished with water from a water hose that our uncle ran into the bathroom. He didn’t have a hot water tank, so the water was cold but it was just like at home, because we didn’t have a hot water tank either. Still my body didn’t feel clean, because I had to put back on the same blood clothes that I had worn earlier.

After a few minutes I heard my Uncle let a low moan, and then the floor creaked again as I heard him walk away. I tried to close my eyes and sleep, but I kept seeing images of my brothers naked body from when Mom and I had placed him in the front seat of the truck. The image would only leave my mind when I thought I heard the floor creaking again, and when I felt like someone or something was standing next to me, but nothing was ever there. I couldn’t convince my mind that things were going to be okay, and it was okay to sleep, so I just laid there all night staring at the ceiling.