Mind Hating Self --- Anybody Got a Really Big Shovel They Can Loan Me?

I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to dig my way out of this gigantic hole I’ve dug for myself at some unknown location, where no one is able to locate me. Not sure if I want to be found right now anyway, but I’ve been here for a couple weeks and if I don’t start looking for a way out, I might be lost for a long time.

My impulsive actions sent me out late back on the 4th, wondering around in my circles again, which led to another stop for doing a u-turn. It wasn’t illegal, just caught law enforcements eyes at almost 1am. It was an officer that I hadn’t had contact with, anyway I didn’t recognize his face and I don’t think he knew me. I handed over my insurance and ID, then he went back to his car to checked me out in the system. When he returned, I could tell by his actions, that he was informed to who I was. He gave me back my insurance and ID, then asked me a couple questions. The one that stayed in my mind was when he asked if I was okay. I should have been honest and said no, I’m not okay right now. But I know what that would mean. A trip to the psych ward. So I lied, and drove away without breathing, and without a ticket.

Friday the 5th was even worse. Anger was raging deep inside me for no known reason. The universe felt foreign, and I wasn’t willing to be a part of anything the world was offering. I was hating everybody and everything they were doing. Little things annoyed the hell out of me as I tried to complete a forgotten task. And when I stopped to think about it all, it caused me to have those uncomfortable palpitation in my heart that often lead me down the wrong roads in my attempt to quash my tedious and trying dark thoughts.

My windows were up as I drove along Highway 117 playing Knockin Doors Down at full volume. No luck. The voices just screamed at each other a little louder in my head.

My body began feeling like it was being squeezed by some giant hand reaching out and wrapping its fingers around my entire body. I couldn’t breathe, and the need to escape overtook my mind after I had drove several slow miles blocked behind a couple cars. As my thoughts raced non-stop, impulse control was thrown out the window and without thought or care, I drove wildly into the center turning lane in my attempt to escape whatever it was that I was convinced was after me. Reality was gone.

After breaking free from my enclosure, I felt a brief sense of relief, but that would be short-lived. Again the story of my life... I wasn’t paying attention, but THEY were. Damn those unmarked black cop cars! He caught up with me about 3 miles later.

I quickly pulled over as a few hundred thoughts ran rapidly across my forehead. I reached out and grabbed one thought as the officer tapped on my window. I didn’t want to try and explain it to the officer that if I didn’t do what I did, the world might have exploded. Anyway that’s what my mind had convinced me was going to happen if I didn’t pass the two idiot drivers in the center lane, and then sped off at double the speed limit.

Instead, I lied and told him I was a diabetic and my blood sugar was low. It might have been, I hadn’t eaten anything that day. But I also know when I get stressed, like being stopped, my blood sugar will spike real high. So even if it was low before he stopped me, it had to be somewhere around 180 after the stop.

At least the officer was polite, even after he ran my record and let me know, as if I didn’t already know, that I have a very extensive driving record. I’ll be lucky as hell if I don’t lose my drivers license again.

FUCK! This time I got a ticket for illegal passing. The officer said he knew I was speeding but he wasn’t going to give me a ticket for that since he said he didn’t actually catch me speeding. Then came the serious question again, ‘Are you okay?’ Two days in a row, two different officers asking the same question. Again I lie. I convince myself that these feelings, mood swings, whatever you want to call it, will pass... I just have to ride out the storm. I just hope they make a towel big enough to dry myself off when its all over.

I have court on March 22 for this charge and April something for the speeding ticket I got last month....again FUCK! The two tickets total over $500 dollars, plus the time I have to spend going to these damn things because I can’t come up with that much money unless I commit a crime.

The next day, I crashed hard. I’ve been down since with no motivation to do anything. My psychological inertia is now preventing me from doing anything constructive to help me elevate my mood. I’m lost. I don’t want to move, think, write or participate in life. I haven’t done any writing in weeks. The thoughts are just blank.

DEEP Breath!

This is step one again...
I made myself move a few hours ago, then I started thinking, and now I’m writing. Maybe tomorrow I’ll participate in life.

Son-of-Bitch! I Got a Speeding Ticket

Son-of-bitch! I got a damn speeding ticket for doing 50mph in a 25mph zone while driving past the police department. I was on my way to the school to pay money on my son’s lunch account on Thursday, when suddenly the extreme urge to relieve the 4 cups of coffee and 2 diet cokes I had consumed since 9am that morning washed over my body. It brought out the little nine year old girl in me that stands there jumping up and down holding her hands between her legs trying to prevent herself from peeing everywhere.

I pushed the gas pedal down a little faster, and at some point I’m not really watching my speed any longer. My brain is repeating the words, ‘you need to pee‘, ’you need to pee’, then my mind flashes again on a little girl bouncing up and down, squeezing her legs together. I turn the corner with a half pause and roll on quickly past the school.

I look up and notice lights in my rearview mirror. My mind runs full throttle trying to figure out where the hell he came from. The need to urinate was ruling my thoughts enough that I guess I just didn’t look in my rearview mirror. My reaction was to quickly pull over, because at first I thought the officer was on a call and I just needed to move out of his way so I could circle back around to my house. Wrong!

He whips in behind me, and my heart races when I realize he is stopping me. For what I didn’t quite know yet, but I knew it was going to be for something that was later going to cost me a lot of money and time. He told me I was doing 55mph in a 25mph zone. Wow! Really wasn’t paying much attention. Then he ask if there was a reason I was going so fast. I didn’t lie. I told him I had to pee really bad, and then I began bouncing up and down again like that nine year old girl.

I don’t know the officers name, but at least he was pleasant and wrote me out the ticket quickly. Maybe it’s because they all know I’m a teeny bit psycho, and they would rather not stir up any problems. Who knows... When I think about it now, all I can see is that hidden grin they all have when I look them in the face. Maybe its the sex stories....hehe.

Anyway, now I have to figure out how to come up with the money to pay this damn ticket and the dog ticket. Looks like I’ll be doing a lot of dick sucking for awhile, or else I’ll have to call thief out of hiding and let her take control for a brief period of time. Shit!

Fucking Speeding Again

I’m on my way back from shopping the other day, I looked at the time and realized how late I was running. It didn’t help that it was 6pm and I hadn’t ate yet that day, so my blood sugar was around 60. When it gets to this point I don’t often think clearly and will sometimes act as if I’m a little drunk.

I was almost to my house when I suddenly remembered that I had forgotten to go to the ATM. Instead of turning around on my street, I sped up thinking I would pull a U-turn at the end of the street. Dumb!!! I honestly wasn’t paying attention to my speed, but the Boys in Blue were...fuckers!! The second I saw him I knew I was busted and he wasn’t going to let me go with a warning...still I tried...never hurts to at least try. I’ve just never had any luck with getting just a warning.

I guess I deserved the ticket....he said I was doing 66 in a 35...maybe I was...I really don’t know. Anyway it’s going to cost me $230 fucking dollars to pay the son-of-bitch!!! I’ve yet to decide if I’m going to court or just pay the damn thing. I really don’t have the money...unless I steal it...guess I could do that....maybe...maybe not...but it’s a thought to keep from appearing before the court.

My car was searched after the officer said he smelled marijuana, but I think it was probably the zigzag papers he saw in my billfold when I was giving him my drivers license. I know I hadn’t smoked anything in the car, but it is my sons car, and although I don’t believe he smokes marijuana, most of his friends do. I was just hoping like hell that didn’t find a little stem ___ this long (fuck you RR) to charge me with.

I had an interesting conversation with the an officer while the other one searched my car. But I don’t think I’m going to talk about that...I think I said something’s I probably shouldn’t have...Again that’s what happens when my blood sugar is low...I talk too damn much.

By the time they were done searching the car and me, my blood sugar had rose enough on it’s own. I find this often happens when I’m under stress, my blood sugar naturally goes higher. Which sometimes sucks, when it goes to high.

Enough of this dumb shit...I’m going to get some SoCo and Lime and throw back a few shots tonight.