Bring in the New Year Drunk.... Damn!

Well, it looks like I'll be bringing in this new year drunk. I haven't done that in quite some time. Anyway not this drunk. At least I'm at home, so the worst that can happen is I puke on the keyboard. yuck! ... tasted a little party throwing up in my mouth when I thought about that. Puke is such a nasty thing.

Hope everyone has a happy and safe new year!


Be always at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and in the new year find you have become a better person.

Change of Plans

Yesterday sucked and today wasn't much better. I have no energy, all I want to do is eat, drink alcohol, and not expel any form of movement. I don't want to blink, exist, or even think about any of these things. I've been trying to force myself to write, but even that seems to take every ounce of my will.

Thursday, before this mood hit me, I called Sand Springs court and had my court date changed. The 12th of May was a bad timing since my oldest son is graduating on the 15th. I can't believe how fast time has passed. I was just glad it wasn't a problem putting the date off. The lady told me the 26th of May at first, which would have been great, except that's when I changed my Friday's doctor appointment to (I canceled it because... I just didn't want to go).

Shit I hope this mood doesn't last long. If not, I'm going to have to start smoking weed again, or invest in a fucking liquor store. The only good part is I finally slept... 9 hours. Well, I'm bored. Everything seems to bore me. Guess I'll go lay back down.

When You See My Face I Hope it Gives You Hell!!

Right now, I’m drinking. Not only am I drinking, but I’m a little fucking drunk. Hey! It’s legal! I would drink some more, but I’m out, and I’m damn straight not rolling to the store for more. Plus, all I can get at this time of the day is the 3-point piss water. Nasty shit...bout time to make a trip to Kansas!!

Also, Officer Asshole would love to bust me for that one, and tonight would not be a good night for that type of encounter. I’m in this fucked up mood where I feel like I want to slice the heads off every stupid motherfucker I meet. I could cuss someone out in about 3 seconds flat, which would probably led to a tasering now days. I'm just in a pissed off at the world kind of mood.

Maybe it’s because I’m not sleeping much. I only got about 4 hours last night. I take forever to fall asleep, then I wake up early and can’t seem to close my eyes again. That’s mostly why I’m drinking tonight. I’m hoping the alcohol will help me sleep a little longer. If I do get up early, I’m just going to get out and maybe go for a long walk at some park...maybe Chandler again.

I’ve slowed up on taking the Phentermine, thinking maybe that’s what is making my insomnia worse, but I don’t think that’s the problem. I’ve gone through this in the past when I wasn’t taken the phentermine, still I have to try something to stop the increasingly louder ringing in the my ears that I experience when I haven‘t slept much.

I also did a little research and found out I’m experiencing what is called a Mixed state. It’s when symptoms of mania and depression meet and collide, which can be very dangerous the way I understand it all. I guess it is, because when I’m just depressed I don’t have the desire or energy to force myself out of bed long enough to bathe, let only have the energy to kill myself. All I do is eat and eat everything sweet, until I fall asleep. With the mania, I’m too busy doing a thousand things to sit still long enough to think about dieing. Roll the two together, and I could be in serious trouble. The mania gives me just enough energy to carry out the plans of my depressed mind.

I’ve been thinking about getting on some sort of medication again, but that means calling my OHCA insurance and finding out what doctor I can see; fight with them on the phone for 30 minutes or more, until I‘m ready to just cut my wrist instead. Then I have to call the doctors office, and hope like hell they are not crazy than me; make the appointment; for probably a month or more from now; (which by then I might feel different or I’ve already killed myself); force myself out of the house to go; sit in the waiting room for an hour at least; sit maybe 5 minutes before some motherfucker thinks he immediately knows my diagnosis; get on some fucked up pill that might make it all worse. It’s all guess work.

Okay, this shit is making me lose my buzz. Fuck all you motherfuckers who don’t like the way I am. Want to do something about it...then you call my insurance company, you set up the appointment, you come pick me up and make sure I arrive at every appointment, then you bring me back home and let me be. Yeah, that’s what I thought. You give a fuck as much as I do. I’ve got to get off here before I start letting my true feelings show.

Pain is delicious
Reminds me that I’m real.
Pain organizes me
Defines the boundaries of where I end
And the world begins.

I Did it Because...

I need to sleep like a baby.
(Me at one month old)

I had to go out for a drive tonight. I've been stressing over not having enough money for anything. I want to steal, but I refuse to let myself. Instead I just drove...around and around. I don't have money for weed and I'm tired of drinking, so I have to do something to take my mind somewhere else.

Finally got my rush. Wasn't a big one, but enough that I should sleep tonight. Thank you Officer RR. Just wish you wouldn't have been the one, I'm almost getting use to you. Anyway, I at least talked a little this time, which my therapist says is good. Still, not sure about that.

However, when the second officer showed up, panic set in even before I knew who the officer was. I'm not sure if I'll ever get past that feeling. I just knew I had to leave right then...luckily I was 'free to go' this time.

Officer R mentioned briefly that he was personally affected by someone's marijuana use, and that was why he was so hard on users. In my opinion, different people handle it differently. Where it maybe a problem for some, for others it can be a lifesaver. For me, there have been times had I not decided to 'go smoke one' someone might have ended up dead. Marijuana calms me down and keeps me from going on a possible violent killing spree. At other times, it kept me from taking my life. I just don't think about death and dieing when I'm high. Maybe marijuana wasn't for the person he knows, but for someone else it could mean life or death.

Time to sleep...I've got somewhere to go tomorrow...hehe.

I Know What You Do

I know you touch yourself when you read my words. You race through the sentences quickly at first, skimming, searching for the point that will make you sigh. You languish in that place. Your thoughts wrapping themselves around the picture I have painted, just as your fingers wrap around your sex.

I know there are certain words that are a jolt to your gut. Dirty little spunk words that trip off the tongue. Words like wet and cunt, mouth and cum, ass and take. But it's the phrases that spill from my lips that make you ache with lust. That make you want. "Cum for me baby", begged with eager eyes. "Give it to me harder", pleaded urgently. "Fuck my ass lover", said as I look over my shoulder at you with big all-seeing eyes. Those are the things that make you reach down between your legs and touch that throb.

I know you close your eyes and imagine yourself there. Your fingertips gliding over and around all of my secret places. My wet and eager mouth on you, working you into a lather. How heavy my hair feels in your hands. What my pussy must taste like on your tongue. Picturing all of these naughty things, these sights and these sounds makes you crave that release.

I know you have me on all fours, and on my knees. I know you have me in your lap grinding, and head to toe lapping at each other. I know we make love under clouds of covers, and fuck bent over the hood of a parked car. I know sometimes it is just you and I, and other times it is a tangle of others with us. I know sometimes it is slow and sweet, and other times it is rough and raunchy. I know it's always a pleasure.

I know what you do.

For all the reasons Why

(Saw this on the back of a tee-shirt...hehe)

Let's Drink

It eases the pain for at least a little while,
And helps bring smile.

I also drink because I can’t fly.
If only they would leave me alone I would be high.

I think I’ll drink till I hit the floor,
Then rise up and drink some more.

Don’t want to feel the weight of time,
So pour me another tequila with lime.

I’ll drink myself to sleep,
Then I won’t cut myself so deep.

I don’t have to think about why,
I always feel like I want to die.


I drink because a black hole at the center of our galaxy means certain death within two billion years.

Last reason to why I’m drinking...because I fucking like it!!!

Whatever the reason for my uncompromising inebriety, it’s nearly closing time here. And as I stagger home pondering my cirrhotic fate, I’m sure inebriation will conjure a few more causes for my present condition. So think of me tonight, under spinning ceiling and dancing walls, and raise a glass to me. Cheers.


I’m a fun drunk, as long as you don’t piss me off.

How Long Will it Take Before the Rain Stops?

For those of you who want to know....I finally posted a couple new stories on my sex site. http://mspsycho.wordpress.com/ Enjoy!!

_________________________


On another note....I went to Tony's funeral yesterday. Only 3 of us left from the gang showed up, everyone else except for his wife and mom were total strangers. I felt like none of them knew the real Tony. Not anyway the Tony I spent days with, hidding from the law after we committed a crime, drunk off our asses, high as hell, talking about life for hours after we did all these things. He always talked about when he died he wanted Pink Floyd played at his funeral, but that didn't happen. It was more of a funeral for his Mom. At least he did get to be cremated like he always wanted to be.

Enough of this before I start crying. I haven't cried yet, and I don't think I want to, even though this breaks my heart for his family.

After the services I couldn't help but not think about how much time I could possible have left in my life. It can't be much more. I already feel like I wasn't suppose to live this long. This is why I don't go to chruch, because the preacher is always talking about life beyond this life and how it's just right around the corner waiting to creep up on you like a cop trying to bust you for drugs. Life could end at any breath. I guess I just don't like the ideal of waiting around wondering when my last breath will come.

Rest in peace my good friend, you will be forever missed.
This one is for you my friend...

Getting Drunk Joke

From the county where drunk driving is considered a sport, comes this true story. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a bar in Tulsa, Oklahoma after last call the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other
patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off--it was a fine, dry summer night--,flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.

The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over, and administered a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the sheriffs office. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the truly proud non-drinker. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

My first Arrest: I am the bad guy.

I worked the next few days and then I got two off. On my last night of work, when I was on my way home from work I met John as he was stopping by Jan's place. She wasn't home, so I invited him over to my place for a beer or two. We talked for awhile, then he pulled out a bag of pills and handed me two.

"What are they?” I asked.
"Something to help you relax, they're Darvacet".
"What do they do?"

"Don't worry. They'll just help you relax. I like you", he said handing them to me. "I don't want to hurt you. Take them both. You can trust me".

I wasn't sure what to do. I had heard words like that before, but I still wanted him to like me, so I took the pills and washed them down with a drink of beer. We sat talking for awhile, but soon the pills made me very sleepy. My voice was slurred and everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.

"I'm going to bed. I can't stay awake any longer", I said with a big yawn and a distance far away look.

"Sounds good, can I join you?” he asked with a big smile.

I couldn't bring myself to say yes, "I'm not feeling too good, maybe another time."
"Well okay then, I'll stop by tomorrow if you're not to busy".
"Sure. I'll be here".

John hung around for the next couple of days. I was beginning to really enjoy his company. On my next day off we bought a case of beer and went driving around. I drove until I had become so drunk, that I had to let John take over. He drove around until 1:00am doing nothing but talking and listening to the radio. By the time we got back to the house I could barely stand, but John helped me into the house and afterwards, I quickly feel asleep. I was awaken around 2:34am by John talking to someone in the living room. I could hear another guy's voice, but I didn't know who it was.

"Man, do you even like her?"

"Not really, but it's a free place to stay for awhile, plus she's paying for all the beer", I heard John saying, and then he laughed.

My heart dropped. I wanted him to like me. I became so angry. I wanted to cry, scream, do something, but I was too hurt and even scared. I laid there quietly until I heard them leave. I got up, got dressed, then I started crying, "That bastard lied; he didn't even like me!" I hit the wall hard in anger and it felt good, so I hit it again and again. My heart welled up in my chest. It hurt and I wanted to die. I grabbed my keys and ran out the door. I got in my car and turned the key. Nothing. It wouldn't start. Angry, I shouted, "Damn it. Damn it!"

I took a deep breath. I thought I didn't need to drive anyway because I was still drunk. I got out, slammed the door, and then walked back in the house. I picked up my jacket and walked into the bathroom. I opened my Uncle's medicine cabinet and took out the bottle of valiums. I opened the bottle and took three then I put the bottle in my bra; in case I wanted one for later I told myself. As I took off walking, tears again rolled down my cheeks. I thought back over the past few months. Things were suppose to be going good after I left home. Nothing ever seems to go right. Nobody cares. Nobody understands. Why do they treat me like I'm a piece of shit? Is because I'm fat? Why? I wiped off my face and walked into all night convenient store. I purchased a can of beer without showing any I.D., so I could take another pill. I walked towards downtown drinking the rest of the beer. Where was I going? I didn't know. I didn't care anymore. I finished the beer and threw it down on the ground. The beer and pills had taken effect and I stumbled, almost falling down.

The next thing I knew, someone was grabbing my arm and talking to me.

"Let me go!” I shouted and pulled away. My mind was so fuzzy that I didn't realize what was going on. I turned and saw two police officers. I panicked and began resisting. Afraid of what they might do, fear over took my mind and I felt the need to run away as quickly as possible. I didn’t want any man especially a cop, touching me. I tried to pull away, but they shoved me up against a rough concrete building and put my hands high up behind my back.

"Let me go!” I shouted at the top of my voice. I wasn't going to take it anymore. I wasn't giving in and doing what they wanted. I wanted to fight back for the first time in my life. Both officers fought with me until they were able to cuff me, all the while I continued screaming at them, telling them they could go to hell. They put me in the back of the squad car and drove me to the jail. They sat me at a desk and remove the cuffs then began asking me all kinds of questions. Name, age, address, etc. "Do you have any unusual scars or bruises?"

"No", was all I could say and then I began crying. I took my glasses off and sat them down on the desk and began wiping my eyes.

The assistant chief sat down across from me, "Look up at me", he asked.

When I finally looked up he asked, "What happened tonight?"

I wanted to blurt it all out; to tell him everything, but I couldn't. All I could see was the fact that he and the others were standing around me in uniforms. I just shook my head and looked back down. Besides I thought what could he do? He's a cop, a man. I just cried more. They took all my jewelry and keys then asked if I had anything on me. There was no female officer to search me, so I was taken straight back to a cell. They through a thin mattress down on a cot then slammed the door cell behind me. The loud clanging of the cell door shutting made me feel forever alone. I felt I was being punished for what "they" did.

"I'm not drunk!” I screamed out, hoping they might let me out.

"You can get out in the morning", a deputy yelled back. "Now, lay down and go to sleep."

"Fuck you assholes", I shouted back.

As I laid down on the hard cot, I thought back to things that had happened in my life. I wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and pull the dirt in over me. I wanted to understand why I was being punished in life. Why did I have to be the bad guy?