Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I Tried to Write....but this is all I could do.

I let the anger boil until it was overflowing, spilling out in a violent rush as I stood in line, sizing him up. I could take him.

I’ve been trying to do other activities that keep me from thinking as much, like painting. Problem is painting is not a good thing to do when you are angry, and I really tend to think too much, which is not a good thing right now. I’ve got to get away from everybody and everything for a little while. Some type of distraction... Anybody got any good ideas? Any idea has got to better than the ideas that are running around in my head right now.

I want to go right, not left, but I can’t figure out which direction is right.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010


First of all, let me thank everyone who has joined my site recently. Normally I would visit your blog the day you joined mine, but I decided to take a short break from my blogging addiction/therapy. I promise I will soon visit your blogs, and get caught up on many of the other blogs I follow.

Taking a break from blogging has allowed other doors to open, but it has also allowed some of my other addictions to thrive. I want to post about what's going on, but I have fears that law enforcement still occasionally check in on my blog, so I have to be careful what I say anymore. I'm good at keeping secrets. It'll be another thing that I hide behind the black curtain in my mind.

I first started blogging with hope that it would somehow let other people understand why I... do the things I do. Deep down I think everybody has the need to feel understood. To be able to explain why and have others understand. Another reason I started blogging was to halt some of my own actions, and not let all the voices in my head frolic around in their own direction. It's like a circus in my head right now with thoughts jumping through hoops of fire, while others hang tediously by a thin rope high in the air.

I'll never see normal. This is as normal as I'll ever be. Forever dealing with psycho thoughts. But I REFUSE, even under a court order to take medication that only dulls my mind and allows me feel.... nothing.

I go to court Thursday morning for my illegal passing. I've managed to save the $169 and paid the fine earlier today, but I still have to appear before the judge. I've made it through the 3 months probation without getting another ticket, but what the judge doesn't understand is, that's normal for me. I will sometimes go long periods of time without an encounter with law enforcement, but a shift in my brain chemicals will quickly send me right back out at 1am driving around in my circles, or recklessly driving a little too fast in the afternoon. I still don't think the police have figured out why I have to drive past them 4 times if I see them standing outside their cars...lol. Gotta love OCD.

Thanks everyone for visiting my blog. I look forward to reading yours. Have a wonderful day.

Funny thought for the day... If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey... Would I be stoned off my ass? Hhmmm?