Even if the voices aren’t real, they have some good ideas.

I so fucking hate authority figures who are contentious, because in three seconds flat, I will return the favor. Talk to me normal and I’m fine, but jump stupid and I’ll show you stupid.

That’s what I had to deal with today. FUCKING Morons!!

Last week I was stopped by a really nice officer from Glenpool, for not signaling soon enough. OKAY. He was very polite as he waited on the call back to make sure my warrant, that he helped arrest me for, was all taken care of. OKAY. I told him that it was totally cleared up, but I couldn’t help but flash on the fact that the night before I had looked up my case online and saw it said, “T.C.M.W.P. NOTICE NON-COMPLETION - PART OF SENTENCE - FAILED TO REPORT”.

Of course I knew this information was incorrect, so the next morning, I called my attorney, and spoke with a lady who answered his phone. She told me that she would have my attorney call me back. (Which he never did.)

As I’m sitting there looking in the mirror at Officer G, I’m thinking I’m about to go to jail, so I start telling my 18 year old son, who is sitting next to me, what to do with the money in my purse just in case.

A few minutes later Officer G comes back up to my window, and hands me back my license, as he again apologizes. He informs me that my warrant is all clear. To nice. I smile, and he asks one last question. You know....the ‘do you have any weapons, knives, or drugs in the car?’ kind of question. I quickly respond with a no...thinking in my mind there better not be, because it’s my sons car. But he does have a couple friends who smoke marijuana, so I get a little adrenaline rush for just a moment. Then I tell him no again, because ‘I don’t smoke any more.’ Apparently, that’s not what he’s heard.

He apologizes once again, and tells me to have a nice day, without a ticket or a search of the car. (You would have wasted your time, there was nothing in the car...relief for me to.)

Now this is the difference that I’m talking about, Officer G was professional without being a dickhead. Even if it was a fucked up reason to stop me. (I needed a little boost of adrenaline, so I can’t complain.) Smile and I’ll smile back, but be a fucking AssClown and I will unleash my feral impulses. I’ll call you every name I can think of, and try to degrade you in any way possible. (Ask Officer C Smith about that one.)

The next day after the stop, I called someone at the court clerks office and talked to them about what was posted on the site: http://www.oscn.net/applications/oscn/casesearch.asp , which says that I hadn’t completed everything required of the court. I just wanted to make sure that a few months from now this all didn’t come back on me, and I get arrested for what is posted, even if it’s not correct. I’ve been through this court shit before and all it takes is one fucking moron to deliberately not put the correct information into the system, which is what I believe has happened this time.

After talking and almost arguing with a woman at the court clerks office, she finally told me I had to speak with someone in the Work Program and they would have to remove it from the system. Okay. So, I call and leave a message. No one calls back.

Today I decided to try and get this resolved once again. I was trying to speak once again with someone at the court clerks office in Tulsa, about what was posted on the site, and how to get it removed. I was told someone from the work program would have to send up some paper work to let them know that it was all clear, since they were the ones who sent the paper work stating I hadn’t done the work hours. I tried to explain this to some asshole named Curtis, but all he wanted to do was be an AssClown. Saying things like, ‘yeah sure, I’ll get right on that...’ In the most derogatory tone, that I instantly knew he had no plans of doing anything.

I became so frustrated that I hung up on him, calling him the asshole that he is, which led to him calling me back. He said he was going to do it, but after my attitude, he wouldn’t....and at that point I broke in and screamed at him, ‘no you weren’t. I could tell by the way you were talking you aren‘t going to do anything asshole. He continued to talk, I hung up, but not before screaming ASSHOLE... Into the phone. I’ve probably got a warrant now, just because this asshole thinks he better than me, and get’s off on degrading individuals. Fuck off you stupid ass bitch before I jump stupid and show you how much of a psycho I can really be.

All I've got to say is if I get arrested for this fuck-up, I will sue the shit out of this stupid bastard.

Nothing But Constant Sorrow

God Fucking Damn!!! Why in the hell is it so fucking hard to go to sleep? It’s not like I’ve been sleeping a lot. Last night I only managed to get maybe three hours of sleep, between thinking about going to court and the storms in the area, sleep never really found a home.

It’s now almost 4 am and I am still awake. I tried to lay down earlier, but all I did was toss and turn. I should have been able to sleep like a lamb, because my day in court went like I was expecting. I had to pay around $400 dollars and that closed the case. YEAH!!! I don’t have to fucking go back to court on this charge every again!!! I have to still attend court on something else in August, but I don’t want to have to think about that until then.

I have a couple more things I have to take care of, pay some other mother fuckers some money, and then its time to put my plan in motion.

June 15, 2007

I go to court in Tulsa, tomorrow morning at 9am for hopefully the last time, on the possession of marijuana charge from over 3 years ago. I’m a little stressed about it, but the Lortab and Zanax that I took about an hour ago seems to be helping enough that I’m not really feeling much of anything. According to my Attorney, nothing serious should happen. They will give me a fine, I will pay it, as long as it’s not more than $400, and it should all be over. NO MORE going to court for this stupid ass charge...it will hopefully finally be over with and I can get my life going a different direction once again.

I had a big long rant that I was going to post, but I just really don’t feel like it now. I have other stress going on in my life at the moment, but I don’t have to start worrying about it until August. At least for now this charge will be out of my way.

Nothing Makes Us so Lonely as Our Secrets

This past week has really sucked. Last Friday night my throat began feeling scratchy, and by the next morning I was running a fever and had a really bad headache. By late that night I was sneezing, coughing, had body aches, and overall feeling like shit. The next day, I took some cold/flu medicine and slept for most of the day.

I was just thankful that when Monday rolled around I didn’t have to go to court. It cost me $375 for an attorney , but he went to court for me. I’ll have to appear sometime in June, but for now I don’t have to worry about anything. It’s not going to be bad anyway, I already found out that I should just have to pay a fine and it will be over with, so I’m not really concerned about the outcome.

I still haven’t gone back to taken Reglan yet. My mind feels better and my depression isn’t weighing on me as heavy as it was before, but now my stomach is tearing me up most days. It’s kinda like having monthly cramps everyday without the pain and bloating letting up. I may need to go back to the doctor, but I hate going to them, because every time they want to put me on something else and not tell me about all the possible side effects. I hate feeling like a guinea pig.

One thing that I was reminded of when I went to meet/speak with my attorney, was my right to freedom of speech. While talking about my case, I had to go back to the beginning and tell why I was originally arrested and what all took place. In the end, it was all linked back to this blog and the things I have posted on this site that led law enforcement to my house. Pointing this fact out and staring it squarely in the face, I have to ask myself if I should continue to post on this blog. I didn’t mind to much when it was a stranger reading about my crazy thoughts, but when people who know who I am began reading the blog, I felt like I lost a little of my right to free speech. I began censoring myself, afraid of what people who know who I am, think about me.

So I can continue my struggle to find myself, I started another blog under one of my other screen names, so I will once again enjoy my right to free speech. If you are a good detective, you can find the other blogs ...maybe. Today, I don’t care what others think, or if you think I’m crazy, insane, and in need of medication. These are my psycho thoughts, and I have every right to put out there for the world to see, anything that my mind creates.

A little over two years ago when I started this blog, I kept it private where only I could read what was posted. But then I began exploring the internet and talked to many people who suggested that by telling my story, instead of keeping it to myself, I could and would begin to heal and recover from my past trauma. At first I was really embarrassed letting people know, even if they were strangers online, what was going on in my mind some days. Letting strangers glance into a small part of my life, has helped me to understand that I am not alone, and other people have trauma or drama also in their lives. More important was the fact that these people who also suffered, were able to make it to another day. And I guess that’s all I really have to do, is make it to the next day. I don’t know about the day after, or a month from now, but for right now I’m just trying to make it till tomorrow.


You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
- Robin Williams

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
- Katharine Hepburn

Free for Now

I went to court this morning for the charge of carrying a concealed weapon, getting there right on time. I don't know why I made sure I got there on time, because I knew I would have to wait at least 2 hours before my name would be called, and I was right. I had to sit out in the hallway for over an hour until there was a place to even sit in the courtroom. It's not like some of the other courts, where you can just stand in a corner against the wall, at Tulsa County you have to be seated and they are quick to inform you about this.

After all the lawyers finished talking to the Judge, they called the people who were in jail, and then they finally started calling names of people in the courtroom. Four of the people they called had returned without lawyers, so they were told to have a seat in the jury box area. The woman Judge got pissed when one lady tried to explain why she wasn’t being represented by an attorney. “If you can bond out of jail, you can pay for an attorney. Now go sit in the jury box,” the Judge harshly said to her. Don’t know if she went to jail or not, I got to leave before anything happened.

As I sat in the courtroom waiting on my name to be called, I kept expecting something bad to happen. Like me being told to go sit in the jury box with the other 4 people, or ‘Baker’ would show up, since my neighbor seems to think he’s the one out to get me, as she put it. If I have pissed you off that much ‘Baker’ I’m sorry, forgive me.

The closer down the line of alphabetical names went, the more nervous I became. I hate it when it gets close to my name being called, my heart starts racing and I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack, or I want to throw-up, but today I fought it off. When the Judge called my name I stood up, and she said, “Charges have been dropped. You are free to go.” I could barely believe what she had said and I almost wanted to turn to another person and ask them if that’s what she really said. (I hope that is what she said, and my mind wasn't playing games with me.) I walked out of the courthouse with the biggest smile I’ve probably had in months. It felt good.

Now I just have to worry about my other charge. I go back to court on May 12, with an attorney. I got a call back from one today, and she told me it would cost me $500, half now and the rest later. I’m going to check around with a couple other places and see if I can get one cheaper...probably not. At least I don’t have to worry about it for a few weeks yet.