Friday, May 16, 2008

Nothing Makes Us so Lonely as Our Secrets

This past week has really sucked. Last Friday night my throat began feeling scratchy, and by the next morning I was running a fever and had a really bad headache. By late that night I was sneezing, coughing, had body aches, and overall feeling like shit. The next day, I took some cold/flu medicine and slept for most of the day.

I was just thankful that when Monday rolled around I didn’t have to go to court. It cost me $375 for an attorney , but he went to court for me. I’ll have to appear sometime in June, but for now I don’t have to worry about anything. It’s not going to be bad anyway, I already found out that I should just have to pay a fine and it will be over with, so I’m not really concerned about the outcome.

I still haven’t gone back to taken Reglan yet. My mind feels better and my depression isn’t weighing on me as heavy as it was before, but now my stomach is tearing me up most days. It’s kinda like having monthly cramps everyday without the pain and bloating letting up. I may need to go back to the doctor, but I hate going to them, because every time they want to put me on something else and not tell me about all the possible side effects. I hate feeling like a guinea pig.

One thing that I was reminded of when I went to meet/speak with my attorney, was my right to freedom of speech. While talking about my case, I had to go back to the beginning and tell why I was originally arrested and what all took place. In the end, it was all linked back to this blog and the things I have posted on this site that led law enforcement to my house. Pointing this fact out and staring it squarely in the face, I have to ask myself if I should continue to post on this blog. I didn’t mind to much when it was a stranger reading about my crazy thoughts, but when people who know who I am began reading the blog, I felt like I lost a little of my right to free speech. I began censoring myself, afraid of what people who know who I am, think about me.

So I can continue my struggle to find myself, I started another blog under one of my other screen names, so I will once again enjoy my right to free speech. If you are a good detective, you can find the other blogs ...maybe. Today, I don’t care what others think, or if you think I’m crazy, insane, and in need of medication. These are my psycho thoughts, and I have every right to put out there for the world to see, anything that my mind creates.

A little over two years ago when I started this blog, I kept it private where only I could read what was posted. But then I began exploring the internet and talked to many people who suggested that by telling my story, instead of keeping it to myself, I could and would begin to heal and recover from my past trauma. At first I was really embarrassed letting people know, even if they were strangers online, what was going on in my mind some days. Letting strangers glance into a small part of my life, has helped me to understand that I am not alone, and other people have trauma or drama also in their lives. More important was the fact that these people who also suffered, were able to make it to another day. And I guess that’s all I really have to do, is make it to the next day. I don’t know about the day after, or a month from now, but for right now I’m just trying to make it till tomorrow.

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
- Robin Williams

If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun.
- Katharine Hepburn

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