Showing posts with label police. Show all posts
Showing posts with label police. Show all posts

Thursday, August 06, 2009

Hide the Keys to the Gun Case

I’m just a girl who doesn’t know who she is
Because the mind I once had, suddenly became his.

For all I really know, I might not even exist.
That’s one of the reason I sometimes cut my wrist.

If I wake up tomorrow and I don’t know who I am,
Will anyone tell me if they give a damn?

Maybe some friendly person will take pity on my soul,
And tell me all the things that will make my mind whole.

*********************
The truth is they will just let me parade around like a delusional person trying to find something I lost a long time ago.
*********************

Light Up a Smoke and Stick Around for Awhile


Today my thoughts are running around in all the wrong directions. I tossed and turned for almost 6 hours of sleep before I couldn’t stand laying in bed for another minute because of the pain in my knees. I started going to psychical therapy last week to learn new exercises to help strengthen the muscles around my knees, so I can prepare for surgery in a few more months down the line. I’m told I have to have total knee replacements if I ever want to walk without pain again. Not sure if I want to go through all that. Still, the therapy seems to be helping with some of the relentless pain.

To help take my mind away from the unbending pain, I began pondering things like, ‘What would happen if I ....” Soon the thoughts turned intrusive and bore deep into my recesses of my mind, and hung around like open sore that you keep picking at. Here is a few things my mind explored today.


I wonder what would happen if I ...

If I... Walked down a road with heavy traffic rushing by at 65mph, and I ‘stumbled’ in front of the passing cars, would the firemen come to wash away all the blood?

If I ... Found the tallest building in Tulsa and went to the roof to jump off, would anyone care enough to stop me?

If I... Picked up my hammer and smashed my computer into a thousand pieces, then threw it out into the street, would other people understand?

If I ... I saw someone wearing a bullet proof vest, could I aim for their head or crotch and still be able to kill them?

If I ...walked into the store and got an overwhelming urge to smash all the eggs on the floor, would I have to clean it up?

If I ... Swam down into the deepest water, could I make it back to the top in time?

If I... Took a baseball bat to the police station and just went crazy breaking all the windows in their new patrol cars, would I kick them in the nuts when they try to arrest me?

If I ... Burned something, could it be put back together?

If I... Interrupted Obama during one of his speeches, would I be tasered?

If I ... Stab myself, will I survive?

If I ... Stuck my hand in the garbage disposal, would it hurt?

If I ... Used an assault rifle, how many could I kill before someone stopped me?

If I ... Closed my eyes while driving, and pushed the gas pedal down a little harder, would I wreck?

If I ... Jump off a tall building, would that end the fear of me falling?

If I... Carry out one of these urges, will I find myself levitating with a extreme mood lift and accompanying euphoria?

Quote:
Others may think you are crazy,
but it is the genius inside you that is giving you those thoughts.
Let your crazy thoughts come and success will follow.

Other things I keep thinking about...

I keep thinking, “If I didn’t love them... I would put them out of their misery.”

As I stood behind a man at Wal-Mart, I thought about picking up one of the steak knives in my shopping cart and plunging it into the middle of his back because I felt he was looking at a little girl in the wrong way.

I saw a highway patrolman and couldn’t stop myself from following him into Q-trip, just so I could think about how it would be to take his life with my bare hands.


Acknowledging the darker, evil part of my human psyche... It exist within us all.

Being aware of the evil within allows me to control it, rather than merely ignoring it and letting it fester through my being to the point where it can overwhelm me when I loose control.

Once you get right deep down into the core of a persons being, we're all evil, malignant assholes who probably deserve to die.

Just how else could humanity come to sit at the top of the global food chain? Only by being the smartest, toughest, most bloodthirsty motherfuckers on this rock.

Can I control these intrusive thoughts?
Can I trust my own mind not to do something stupid?
One thing is that I am usually too damn busy or lazy to act on them, but of course if I get a day when I’m not tired, or busy... Then the world better watch out.

I’ll be alright, as long as the breaks don’t fail.

*************************
My court is tomorrow. I was hoping I could come up with enough money to pay the damn ticket before having to appear, but it looks like I'll have to make payment arraignments. Damn I hate fucking court! Too much stress. I don't do good with stress. Guess, I'll just have to come prepared.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Stalking Can be Fun?




I got stopped again yesterday. This time for ....hhmmm...following an officer...lol. Maybe I just freaked him out... hehe. I wasn’t trying too. I was just trying to kill a little time while I was waiting to pick up my son from school at 2:00. It was raining and I really didn’t want to go back to the house, get out the car, get wet, go in the house for 15 minutes, and then go back out in the rain to get in the car again, just so I could pick him up. Instead I decided to just drive around in my circles.

Unfortunately, that made me repeatedly run into the same officer over and over again. I really didn’t think he would stop me for following him anyway, because....well... It was raining out, and what officer would want to get out in the rain for something as silly as a person following them? Maybe I scare them a little. ...lol. Anyway, it gave me an idea for a new short story about stalking, so I’ll post it sometime this weekend.

And honestly, do you really think someone would admit to following an officer, if that officer stopped you and asked you outright, ‘were you following me?’ If I would have said, ‘yeah, I was bored and just following you around to see if you’re doing anything interesting’, I would probably still be trying to get out of jail for stalking.

SERIOUSLY!!!
I'm not stalking you.
I'm just sneaking a peek to make sure you're ok.
OH!!! By the way...Nice Pajamas....hehe

Friday, April 11, 2008

Life's A Bitch, Then You Die

I had another post, but I removed it after I read what I had so haphazardly posted about law enforcement. I don’t want them coming around paying me another visit right now, I’m just not in a good mood to be fucking with them at this point and time. I would much rather cuss them the fuck out right now, and I even feel like putting my hands around their throats. Sorta like I did to Chuck Smith out on the highway a couple years ago when I cussed at him, but instead this time, I at least get in one good fist to his face. I know he is one of the many officers from Glenpool who can’t stand the site of me. Feeling is mutual...I can’t stand your asses either.
Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate all law enforcement, just about half. It’s mostly the ones who come at me with attitudes, and I can immediately tell they can’t stand my ass. Sorry I’ve got mental problems...do you fucking want them? I sure in the hell don’t. I wish it was as easy as just giving them to someone else, at least for a little while.

I have a friend who knows several of the officers around here, and this person let me know a little bit about what the officers around here think about me. It was no surprise to me at all some of the things I was told. Maybe I did a better job than what I thought in making them hate me. I know Randy Rains wouldn’t mind putting a bullet into my worthless ass, along with several officers from Sand Springs. I guess I’ve made a few enemies. Fuck all of ya’ll. I’m onto other things.

A person sent me an email asking me to post a picture of my ‘accident’, and at first I really didn’t want to do that, but I’ve changed my mind.


It’s been 9 days since the incident, and I have so far been able to keep it hidden from everyone around me. It has been stressing me a little knowing that I can’t let anyone see it and I have to wear long sleeves constantly. I still don’t want to explain it to them, because I still don’t have an answer to why I did what I did. Maybe some day I will figure it out.

Monday, April 07, 2008

When you hold onto the shame and guilt, you forget who you are.

I’ve been thinking for the past couple of days about no longer posting on this blog, since it is being watched by law enforcement. A friend suggested that I get rid of everything posted on here, but I’m fairly sure if there is anything on here that law enforcement want, they have already got it by now. For now, I’ve decided that I will continued to post on this blog and the other blogs that I have. This blog will continue to be for my psycho thoughts, whenever they occur and I feel the need to release to the world my demon thoughts, I will post them. Feel free to leave your opinions, but I will remove the post if I consider it trash talking.


If you want to read about good news, rainbows, butterflies, lollipops, little children smiling, jokes or anything else that makes you smile, you can go to this blog

http://grabmyteddybear.blogspot.com/



A short part of my life story...


I was 18 at the time and continued to sleep in my Uncles garage. At night, I would go walking up town looking for someone or something that would make things seem better.

I walked into Roy’s Wreck center and saw Sammy sitting there talking to someone. I hadn't seen her in a few months and quickly went to see what she was up to. She said she was living in town now and wanted to know if I wanted to go riding around with her and the guy she was staying with. Eager to do something I quickly said yes.

His name was Larry and drove a red convertible car. I got in the back and we drove around through town acting like fools, yelling, drinking and just cutting up. After several hours of driving around drinking, we made a stop back at Roy's for a quick bathroom break. Sammy finished first and headed back to the car. When I finished and walked out a fireman who knew my name, stopped me and ask who the girl was I was with.

"Oh, that’s was just Sammy. She’s a friend of mine."

“Boy, she sure is fine. Those long legs of hers I would love to wrap around them", he said smiling big.

At first, I was surprised he was talking to me, but when he talked about Sammy, I understood why. Sammy was very pretty, skinny, long legs, long blonde hair, most men fantasized about her.

Laughing a little, I said, "I'll let her know."

"Oh no, don't say anything to her", he said with a boyish grin.

I smiled again and said I would see him later. Then I walked outside to meet with Sammy. Larry had bought a bottle from the liquor store and handed it to Sammy. She quickly opened it and took a big drink, then handed it to me and I did the same. After a couple hours, Larry was ready to go home, but Sammy and I weren't, so we had him drop us off up town. We walked through town several times, drinking and talking.

Around midnight we were stopped by a police officer that I knew. I could tell he liked Sammy by the way he talked to her. I didn't look at them in that way, but Sammy did. The only thing was she said she was a little frightened of them, so I agree to stay with her when she talked to them. I tried not to pay to much attention to what they were saying, and I couldn’t look him in the eyes. If I did for even a second I felt like I wanted to vomit, but Sammy was a good friend and I did it because I wanted to please her.

He wasn't the only one, over the next few weeks I was going with Sammy to their houses. At first I was having a hard time being so close to them, but Sammy was drawn to them as much as they were to her, so I began being able to tolerate them.

On different nights, we would go out drinking with whatever officer we had met earlier in the day. At first, I didn't want to go and let them know up front that they could go out by themselves. But Sammy always insisted that I go with her and of course the officer would invite me along, just so he could get a chance at being with her. I knew this and I didn't let it bother me. Still, I always felt out of place, but I went along because Sammy was my best friend.

The first officer Sammy dated came to picked us up after he had gotten from work. Sammy and I had already been drinking when he picked us up and planned on drinking even more. He stopped off and picked up a case of beer then we headed to Double Creek. We parked near the boat ramp and he got out and walked to the back of his truck. He took out a black suitcase that had several types of drugs inside. He took a few pills from a bottle and gave Sammy and me 2 each of the pills.

We talked and drank some more before heading back to his place. By the time we got there, my speech was slurred and on top of what I had already drunk I was feeling pretty good. Still at his place, we had a few more beers. It was really late and I was ready to lay down. Not really wanting to stay but, Sammy liked him and asked me to please stay. He said it was okay if I slept on the couch. I finally agreed and laid down while him and Sammy continued talking.

Even being drunk, it takes me forever to fall asleep. I silently lay there with my eyes closed for a least an hour every time I try to go to sleep. I can remember being this way since around the age of eight. I would always lay there, thinking, wondering, listening, being scared. Once I did get asleep, I would quickly wake back up in a short amount of time and it would then sometimes take me hours to go back to sleep. If that didn't happen and I stayed asleep, then I would awake very early in the morning at any sound that I heard.

This made me feel very jumpy all the time. I feel like jumping out of my skin if I'm confronted with anything that even remotely resembles a threat. I try to steer far clear from that type of danger or anything that reminded me of it. I was always told this was nature's way of teaching us a painful but important lesson, but my reactions sometimes would get out of hand.

This time I laid there on the officers couch, until I heard them go into his bedroom. A short time later I could hear them having sex. At first, I tried to blow it off and let them have their fun; after all, it was their business. For some reason, after a few minutes it began to really bother me. I opened my eyes and saw his picture on the wall in his uniform, and I began feeling uneasy and anxiety took over. I took several deep breaths repeatedly trying to calm myself, but I just couldn't relax.

I quickly and quietly put back on my shoes and walked outside heading back uptown. I stopped by a Quik-Mart and bought a single beer and a pack of cigarette's then headed towards my Uncles garage. I was almost there, when Sammy and him came driving up in his truck. Sammy rolled down the window and asked where I was going.

"Home."

"Why?” Sammy asked puzzled.

I thought to myself for a moment then said, "Why? Because, you got what you wanted, so I wanted to go home. I didn't want to stick around. Just leave me alone, alright."

I really wasn't making a lot of sense. All I knew was I was done for the night and wanted to go home, away from him. Away from the way I was feeling. I felt I couldn't tell them the noise bother me, they would think I was nuts. Which as I walked on home, I thought maybe I was. Inside, I felt like I was falling apart.

Sammy stopped by the next morning and tried to convince me nothing had happened between him and her. I thought it was great that she was with him, it was just I couldn't be there. I still recalled vividly, the bad memories from around 9 months before, of my experience with the first LEO(law enforcement officer) I ever met face to face. The memories still haunted me.

I let her know we were still friends and I didn't care if that’s what she wanted to do, it was her own business. She said she was sorry but police officers turned her on, because they were hot looking, strong and fun to be around. I laughed and told her I was just having a hard time seeing them that way. She tried repeatedly to convince me that they were normal people, just like us. I wasn't seeing it yet, and I wasn't sure if I ever would.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

At least let me walk out the door, before you giggle



I’m going to write this with having zero sleep, so if it comes out sounding fucked up, you’ll know why. Yesterday I was arrested for application to revoke a one year suspended sentence on Possession of Marijuana. I’ve had the warrant since August 2005, from where I didn’t/couldn’t complete my community service, due to the fact that I was put in the hospital for a week, and then it was one thing after another and I never got around to completing the hours.

After the jackass yaS reported what I had posted, which I figured he would, a few more of his friends made there way to my site. After finding out who I was, they of course ran a check on me and discovered that lovely warrant that has been hanging over my head for too damn long. When I made the post it was in the back of my mind that I could be arrested, but in a way I was ready to get it over with. I’ve barely left my house in the past two years, so this forced me back out into the real world again.

I was arrested by the Glenpool PD Officer Mobley (hope I spelled that right. Nice guy, smiles a lot.) around 3:45pm and was taken to the local jail. I did okay for a minute, but only a minute. I don’t know if I want to write about this next part or not. I’m thinking about it for a minute or two. I haven’t even told anyone in my family about it yet, and I probably won’t. I’m keeping my sleeves pulled down, just to make sure no one sees. I don’t want them to see, because they will want to know why I did what I did, and sometimes I just don’t have a reason why.

I mostly cut when I get stressed. It’s like I go somewhere else, and when I’m done cutting I return to a more normal state. That’s usually when I say to myself, what the FUCK!


I’m a cutter...shhhh...don’t tell.
Its socially unacceptable that I express pain.
I bleed just so I’ll know I’m alive.
Pain doesn’t hurt when it’s all you’ve ever felt.

I don’t know what the young man’s name was, but I guess I should thank him now that I feel a little more normal...well as normal as I’ll be. Part of it, I think I have already blanked out, like the first initial cut, but I do remember asking for some toilet paper, because I didn’t want to make a mess on the floor or on me. I guess that’s the OCD. The young man handed me the toilet paper and I thought he had walked away, but I guess for whatever reason he looked back, and that’s when he saw what I had done. I don’t know how far I would have went had he not looked back. Probably further than the seven stitches.

At the hospital, I had a real nice baby sitter, Corporal T. I liked him, mostly because of his remark that he didn’t need no stinking taser. I like that in an officer...lol.

Officer M returned to the hospital to take me on to the county, and as we drove the short distance, we talked a little about my past. Telling him just a small part of my life, almost brought me to tears right there. I still can’t face my past, and I damn straight can’t talk about it to someone’s face. Maybe someday I can let it all go.

I finally got to the jail around 7pm, and surprisingly I wasn’t treated like a drain on society, I actually felt ok...Or maybe it was the xanax that I had taken before the cops picked me up. It could also have been that the Sheriffs department is running the jail again. Or it could have been that a camera crew from American Jail was there. (God, I hope they don’t put my ugly ass on TV.) Whatever it was, expect for the ridiculous amount of time I had to just sit around and wait, it wasn’t the bad experience that I figured would take place. I know it is my own actions that lead to some of the bad experiences I have had, but not all of them.

I finally made it out of jail around 4am, $600 dollars poorer, but at least now I don’t have a warrant hanging over my head. (Watch out, I’m now able to freely roam the streets again. That’s not a threat...just a little bit of my sick twisted humor.) I laid down in bed around 5am, but was never able to drift asleep, finally I got up and took a long hot shower before being at court by 9am.

Last thought, then I have to get some sleep...I want to know from the Sand Springs police department...if it wasn’t one of the officers from around there who has been harassing me, then who was the person that contacted you about the post “Late Night”?

And everyone, if you don’t want to read about fucked up, weird, off the wall, crazy ass, stupid, sad, painful, nasty shit that I write, don’t come to my site. It will still be here, and anytime I feel the need to post some insane thoughts from my head, I will post them. It is better to post them, than to keep them locked in my head.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Warning Adult Material...


The following story is a purely fictional account. Any relationship to any real person living or dead is absolutely coincidental. The narrative deals with torture and slaughter of innocent human beings. The author in no way condones or promotes such acts. This is the world of fantasy and fiction where the hidden corners of the psyche may be explored. The author believes that exploring such subject matter in this realm keeps it from ever needing to be explored, and much less fulfilled, in real life. There is violence in all of us. Otherwise there would be no crime, no war, no destruction. We must acknowledge the beast inside of us if we are to tame it. To ignore it and repress it is to invoke its appearance in our midst.

************************




The sun beaming through a crack in the foil that covered a window finally woke me from my deep sleep. The smell of old blood and dirt filled the air around me. When I looked down at my body I could see that I was covered with blood and mud.

At first my mind was blank and then I remember a man screaming for his life, as I tortured and played with his body without his permission. Then I began to smile thinking about how I had killed him, then ate a piece of his flesh fried in a cast iron skillet.

Vague dreamlike images came and went. I remember leaning down to drink at a steam filled with clear running water, as a piece of his guts rolled down my chest and splashed in the bubbling stream. I remembered earlier in the evening when I saw the site of a suburban neighborhood on the edge of the forest floating in the dark as I moved in closer to watch my target.

I must have wandered around in the forest behind his place for most of the night afterwards. I vaguely remember crawling up out of the tall grass towards the shed behind my place. There I fell asleep just like an animal on the floor, reeking of blood and sweat. I was exhausted from my long hours of sexual butchery.

Suddenly I remembered where I had left the remaining part of his body. I knew I would have to go back and dispose of the remaining pieces of his body, along with his badge and uniform. I just hoped no one would spot him and call the police before I could get there. When I’m in that state of mind, I think I’m above the law, but once I return to a more normal state of mind, survival and evasion mode kicks in.

I stood and peeked out through a hole that I had torn in the foil, and saw through a kitchen window across the road, another officer moving around in shorts and a tee-shirt. His body looked fine and chiseled, the perfect specimen to play with. I could see the driveway on the side of his house, and a SUV along with his patrol car was parked there.

The shed I was in was only about 20 yards from the house, and from the window I could hear other voices in the house. A woman moved past the window and then walked outside, got into the SUV and drove away, as the officer stood there waving, watching her leave.

I was already beginning to get worked up as I watched him walk back into the house. He had short cut dark hair, around 6 foot tall, with a well defined body shape. He looked intelligent, yet youthful, though he was probably in his 30’s.

I was about to make a move towards him, when I saw the paperboy coming down the street. He seemed to staring right in my direction, so I backed up into the sheds shadow as my bare feet shuffled against the dirt floor. When I finally managed to look again, he was gone completely out of site. I knew I was going to have to move fast if I was going to get what I wanted and desired.

By the doorway inside the shed, I saw a small junior sized baseball bat. It was old and cracked but when I picked it up I knew it would do. Slowly, cautiously I stepped out of the shed, with my weapon in hand, and moved towards the house. I could feel the damp morning grass under my feet, as I inched my way towards the house. The nearest house was over a block away, and was hidden behind a wall of trees. I realized no one would be able to see me sneak across the yard.

I boldly moved towards the door and put my free hand on the knob and tested it. It was unlocked. Silently grinning, I slid inside and closed the door behind me. The clock in the kitchen showed it was 6:30 am as I walked with the bat across the dark black tiled floor.

He must have heard me make a noise, and returned to the kitchen to see me standing there covered in dried caked on blood, with a old wooden bat in the hand. The officer froze for a brief minute, which was enough time for me to swing the weapon against his head. He went flying sideways into a pantry door, making a choked grunt, spinning down to the floor his body went limp. I then slammed it into him again, and his eyes rolled back in his head.

He laid there on the tiled floor, almost total lifeless, but still able to feel my touch across his body. I ran my hands across his chest, and then down between his thighs, feeling his nice firm cock. He came to enough to hit me in the nose with one hard blow, causing blood to trickled down from my right nostril.

“Shit yeah!” I said aloud. “This is gonna be fuckin’ great!” I then slammed him once more in the head, and then continued my assault against the rest of his body. I then drug, and pulled him down a hallway into a master bedroom and shoved him onto the bed. As he began to resist again I swung the bat at his legs, and then as I dropped the bat I put both my hands around his neck and told him to stop resisting.

“Listen up motherfucker, I’m going to stick this bat up your ass if you don’t lay there and do as you are told. Do you understand me?”

“Yah- yes,” he managed to get out. I enjoyed the hopeless look in his face, as he realized he couldn’t do anything about what was going to happen to him. I got on the bed with him and using his cuffs I cuffed each hand to a bed rail. A wave of dark meanness swept over me.

I leaned down and sunk my teeth into his chest, near his left nipple. He tasted so fresh and clean. I could smell where he had obviously taken a shower before I had arrived. Blood trickled down from the wound to his head, and I reached up to wipe some off his freshly shaven face. This was going to be fucking sweet.

I knew I didn’t have a whole lot of time before someone showed up or one of his buddies on the force would stop by, so my plans had to be quick. I moved quickly before my victim could recover consciousness. I remembered the tools in the shed and went outside to get some of them.

In the corner of the shed there were several wooden dowels of varying sizes and thickness, along with some rope and a few other items. Enough things to torture him for a short period of time that I had.

I took the things back inside and tied the still half unconscious officer legs down spread eagle on the bed. I used a sharp knife from the kitchen and cut away what little clothing he had on, and then I placed a large piece of duct tape over his mouth. I was becoming so turned on by the sight of him laying there completely helpless.

By the time I finished securing him down, he was finally coming around, moaning and tugging at the cuffs that held him tight. I could see a large purplish, black bump on the side of his head and another one where I had hit him the second time.

When he opened his eyes I sat on his chest and whispered, “Good morning Officer Smith. Welcome to the last day of your fucking life.”

He moaned and grimaced with pain, shaking his head back and forth. I looked around on the walls and saw him in uniform excepting his diploma from police training, and a picture of him being given an award for outstanding performance in the line of duty. This stuck me as humorous as I didn’t see that side of him, I only saw the monster that once arrested me and then had beaten the hell out of me because I kept cussing at him over a traffic ticket. It was time for a little revenge. A little lesson in how to treat a civilian.

The officer now fully awake, stared at me with a look of terror in his eyes. “Police officer of the year. I’m impressed.”

“Fuck you bitch!” he mumbled through the duct tape.

“Ahhh, now don’t talk you motherfucker. It’s useless and a waste of energy. You’re gagged, and nothing you say is gonna make the least bit of fucking difference to me today. I’m going to torture you and maybe for a little fun I might rape you. When its all over I‘m going to kill you.”

This seemed to piss him off even more and he began trying to struggle free from his confinement.

“Well, maybe one of your buddies will show up on time, or you figure out a way to help me with my ‘problems’. Maybe things will turn out differently. Who knows, maybe you’re the right person to help me figure out why I do these kinds of crazy things.”

He stop struggling long enough to look up at me. His eyes roamed over my body, scanning it, looking for something he could use to his advantage.

I scanned over his naked lightly tanned body. Feeling the warm touch of his skin under the touch of my hands, made my insides tingle, and I felt that I wanted his cock deep inside my cunt. I softly smiled down at him, enjoying the effect that my grinding back and forth across his cock was doing to him.

“If you perform well for me, I might let you live.” I thought to myself if he believed that then he wasn’t as smart as his awards led everyone to believe. “You know I once had a chance to become somebody that was a productive member of society, but then that was taken away by one of your brothers in blue. If only I hadn’t taken a wrong road late one night, none of this would have happened. What a fucking waste.”

I sat heavily on his chest, and twisted his nipples in my hands as hard as I could. I moved in closer and began biting his left nipple until it began to bleed. Sweat began to form on his forehead, almost running down between his eyes, making him blink nervously.

“I’m gonna kill you asshole, and you’re not going to be able to do anything about it. Maybe I‘ll fuck you in the ass, like I was fucked in my virgin ass. Would you like that?!”

I slid off him and moved over to the pile of stuff on the floor that I had brought in from the shed. I picked up a thick wooden dowel rod , and thought of ways that I could torture my officer.

“Have you ever been beaten the way you beat the people you arrest?” I asked standing firmly in front of him holding the tool in my hand.

“Answer me!! Nod you head for yes, shake for no!! Have you ever been beaten?”

He shook his head back from side to side. “Good then. This will be a new experience for you. Get a little back of what you’ve been giving.”

I drew back and swung the dowel across his thick thighs. He grunted and howled as blow after blow landed, leaving dark red bruising welts on his body. Grinning, I repeatedly struck him in different areas, changing the angle of impact with each stroke.

“Nice body, pig,” I shouted. “I’m gonna make you look as rough as the bums on the street that you beat up and bully around.” He closed his eyes each time the wooden dowel slashed loudly against my officer’s body. Waves of pleasure washed over my body. I loved the idea of being able to do to him what he has done to countless others. I fed on the horror and terror in his eyes.

I watched as he desperately tried to move out of the way of the tool being swung at his exposed body. There was nowhere for him to go and all he managed to do was make me want to hit him even more.

“You fucking piece of shit!” I shouted between blows. “You’re a worthless piece of trash that needs to be thrown away!”

When I began to grow tried, I paused for a moment and walked over to my beaten prey. He was breathing fast, but his eyes stayed focused on following me as I circled around the bed.

“Do you want some more, motherfucker? What do you think? Do you like being beaten? You can take it, you scumbag, you‘re a big tough man.”

I swung back as far as I could and with all my strength came down across his knees. He yelped out loud as his eyes went wide and looked towards the ceiling. “You stupid fucking bastard!!” I shouted then struck him against the heels of his feet repeatedly, until blood began to drip to the floor. From there I worked my way back up his body taking my time in hitting all exposed areas.

I climbed back on his chest and ripped the tape from his mouth. “Please let me go. I have a wife and family. You don’t want to do this. Do you know they will kill you if you kill me? Please think about what you’re d....”

Before he could say another word, I slapped him harshly across the face twice. “First rule motherfucker,” I said slapping him again. “ I’m the one now in charge, not you. You only speak when you have my permission to speak. Do you fucking understand?” I said slapping him again and twisting one of his nipples in my hand. I leaned down towards his face, “Got it pig?”

“Yes. I understand.”

“Good boy. You’re a fast learner. Now maybe you’ll live a little longer if you do as you are told. I want a taste of that meat you’ve got between your legs, and if you don’t get nice and hard for me... Well...let’s just say you are not going to like what comes next.”

I slowly worked my way down towards his semi-hard cock and slowly took it into my mouth. With one hand I spread his ass cheeks and slid one finger into his tight ass, as he let out a loud moan. Instantly his cock stood tall and firm. I lightly brushed my lips across the head of his cock and licked away a small amount of pre-cum. I was about to violate him in ways that made my own pussy wet. I removed my pants and underwear and climbed back onto the bed.

“You’re gonna eat my pussy before I fuck that cock of yours. And remember if I don’t get off you are going to feel a lot more pain.”

I sat down on his face blocking off his airway, making him work his face from side to side just to get some air. I picked up one of my tools again and began hitting him in the chest until he began sucking on my clit, which temporarily removed the beast from within me.

“That’s it scumbag, piece of shit, lick my cunt good.” I could feel his tongue prying apart my pussy lips and licking at my juices. “Ahhh yes, that’s very nice.” I said as I reached down and began stroking his cock gently in my hands.

I had done some sick shit before, but this was problem on the worst things I could have done. I knew if I were to ever get caught, his buddies were going to beat the hell out of me, still at that moment I was thoroughly enjoying the power I had over him.

He lapped slowly up and down against my labia and teased my cunthole before returning to sucking on my clit. I could feel the warmth of his breath on my cunt as he continued licking and lapping at my hole. Sticking his tongue in and out of my wet hole. I began getting wetter and wetter as he began drinking my juices. Even when he began biting my clit, I didn’t want him to stop. The pain felt good.

I looked down at his thick cock that was fully hard and glistening with cum. “Don’t stop tell I cum all over your face. I’m almost there.” I whispered to him. “I’m almost ready to fuck you.” His face pushed harder up into my cunt as he worked my cunt over, grinding his teeth into my clit. Without warning his teeth clamped down on my clit. I couldn’t believe the feelings that flowed through me, I began cumming like I had never cum before. As I pulled away from him I could see blood on his face from the clit.

“Its fucking time, you piece of trash,” I told him. “That cock better work as good as your tongue.”


*************************

If you wish to read part two of this story, please visit my other site...

http://mspsycho.wordpress.com/

Sunday, February 24, 2008

McDeath


McDEATH
I went to McDonald's today, armed with an assault rifle and intending to kill 30 or 40 people. You didn't see me, because I look just like you.Why didn't I do it? Why didn't I explode through that room in a frenzy of McDeath, pop-pop-popping moms and dads and hot cherry pies?
Not because the man at the gun store sold me a clip that would hold only nine bullets. Reloading after nine people is as easy as after 30. For a person in my state of mind, who's really counting anyhow?And not because I caught a sudden glimpse of humanity, seeing all the mommies having lunch with their little darlings. Huh-uh. Not a chance.
I'll tell you why I turned around and went home, the rifle still wrapped in plastic bags in my trunk. I really will. In just a bit.First, let me take a minute to explain myself.
Let me tell who I am, and what it took to turn from an
Ordinary Person into a monster willing -- wanting even -- to kill other Ordinary Person.
Lots of 'em.
All the berserk killers who went wild one day, the postal workers, the unemployed laborers, the Viet Nam vets, the courtroom murderers, the restaurant homicidal maniacs -- were just Ordinary People one day.
Then they -- like me -- turned into
Something Else.
There was a time, you know, when we really were ordinary.
We picked up the newspaper, saw a horrible story about a mass shooting and shook our heads. But that was before.
Since then, look at all that has happened:
We've been put down, shouted down, jilted, deprived, ratted on, denied and set aside. The money's gone. The dog's gone. There is no happiness left.We just want to do away with ourselves.
So we stare at the bottom of an empty mug, and ponder life, and fate, and our own humanity. And we find that we have achieved nothing of note, no immortality, no deeds worthy even of the granite slab that will cover our last remains.
Whimpering, sniveling, we determine to go out with a bang.
For 15 minutes, we will be
Very Important.
In the time it takes to empty two or three clips, we will have impacted more people than we ever did in our entire miserable lives. Grown men will fear us, women will faint, and neighbors will give interviews to TV cameras.
We are cleansed of our weakness.
And for a little time, police radios and sirens and red lights will look just like on TV.
So I went to McDonald's today, armed with an assault rifle, wanting to kill people. I saw you there. Yes you, who now sit there smugly in front of your computer and don't care about me.
I opened the trunk, pulled back the plastic, and looked at the cold black steel
and hollow-pointed death.
From the pit of my stomach I wanted to kill everyone I could,
all those grandma types with the blue hair and the wretched kids who whined because they didn't get the right toy in their Happy Meal.
I looked around, and no one cared. This had all been so easy.
If they cared, I probably could not have purchased this gun, these bullets.
We had grown accustomed to mass shootings, I saw.
It was accepted, acceptable, a small price to pay for a freedom.
I knew already what would happen if I went through with it.
Somewhere in California a third-page story would cite a statistic, and in
Texas a commentator would be angry,
and in Florida it wouldn't even make the news.
And so even pop-pop-popping at McDonald's didn't matter anymore.
I guess, for the time being, I did something people did care about. I went home.
I cared -- momentarily.
But, even while you read this, sipping your drink and peering casually at this screen, somebody else is out there buying a gun -- and planning on taking you with them when they go.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Put on your seatbelt… I wanna try something.

Why is it when you give a different opinion that a majority of people disagree with, they want to immediately jump down your throat and start calling you names? As if you are completely stupid or something. Why can’t a person have a different view of a situation?

The invention of the wheel was square at first, until another person saw it as needing to be round.

You don’t always have to do a double tap to the center of the chest to bring someone down. (If they are pointing a gun at you, then have at it...toy for toy.) So many officers that I have observed, have the attitude of, ‘He/she done pissed me off, now I have the right to shoot and kill them.”

Tasers may be necessary in some situations...like someone coming at you with a knife. I would rather that person be tased than to have them shot. I have read articles about a 6 year old being tased, or a 70 year old women. Not necessary!!! I’m a big enough of a person that if a 6 year old had a weapon, I could take it away from them without the use of a taser. Police officers should be able to do the same.

Just take a few deep breathes before you decide ‘I’m going to whip Joe blows ass just because he pissed me off’.




Note to self...don't write shit when you've been drinking.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Coplounge...Just be yourself and if people don’t like it, well fuck them.

Well, I had another post that I was going to post, but it seems like I need to respond to the fact that some law enforcement officials have found my site. They seem to find it rather disturbing to their souls. Why? It’s just words, thoughts, doesn’t mean that at any moment I going to snap and break you little freakin necks.

Yes, over 2 years ago I was going through a very stressful time...I stopped taking depression pills, which left my mind wondering way out in left field. That was then.

Now for some reason they think I’m stalking them...hell I don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. I haven’t been back to their site since I stopped being Perdure. I was only on their site to let them see the other side of me....the half-way normal part of me. It was obvious that they didn’t want me around after I told them who I really was, so I left and I haven’t been back to Coplounge. A few days later I tried to go back to their site and they had me banned, so now I can’t go back to their site, so I’m not sure why the fuck they are fucking with me now. I think its my neighbor who keeps going to their site, and they think its me...anyway my neighbor told me about a month ago that she was banned from their site after reading some post about me.

This is the link a friend sent to me...but I can’t go there...so you’ll have to read for yourself what they are saying. http://www.coplounge.com/board/viewthread.php?tid=12963
I don’t really know what they are saying about me this time, and I really don’t give a flying fuck, but apparently a few articles that I’ve written have caught their attention. I have a site meter on here, and it tells me who comes to my site, and where they are from, so that’s how I found out last night that they are viewing my pages.

Now one of the from Hyde Park, Massachusetts...I think I know who that is, but I’m not going to name names, thought they were smart posting anonymously so that I wouldn’t know who posted some shit about me saying I was lying. All I have to say about that...contact either one of my sister’s they will tell you it happened, because it happened to them too, and no of us talked because we were afraid to talk. How dare you tell someone something like that!!!...just rape the victim all over again why don’t you! In your profession, how many other women have you told this too...‘ohhhh you are just lying’ ?

Have you ever once stopped and asked yourself what made me this way? Was it just because I supposedly came from some trailer park... As you put it? It wasn’t a trailer park, but we were very poor...sorry I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Being just poor wouldn’t have made me the person I now am. Other things that were going on around me, is what brought me to this place here on earth that I call hell.

Don’t worry there’s not much time left and then it will all be over.


Thursday, October 12, 2006

Forgive me if my mind wonders

What if early just before dawn, you woke and thought about your past, your life, your accomplishments; would you be anybody? Or would you be a person hiding in the shadows, rarely seen, just living day to day without thought or reason? When death came, would your life make the headlines? Or would you be another soul that just drifted away?

Back in the eighties, Ronald Regan decided people with mental illness no longer needed to locked up in the state mental hospitals, instead they were to be set free. They were giving free or reduced housing, food stamps, free medical, and a check each month that helped to pay their other bills. People like me took advantage of what was giving to us and we tried to make our lives as livable as we could in the outside world. I learned as much as I could about illness, so that I could at least understand why I acted the way I did most of the time. My problem was I couldn’t live with the solution that they offered…pills and more pills. I left the pills alone after trying many different types and combinations; finding no relief I decided to live my life just the way I was; good or bad.

I found it nearly impossible to control my actions long enough to be able to properly interact with strangers who were around me. I couldn‘t control my anger. I would get so mad at a person that all I could think about was wanting to put my hands around their throats and not letting go until they could no longer breathe. It made me feel like a loser if I did the things they ask. As much as I wanted to control my actions, I couldn’t.

In the eyes of law enforcement, we are drains on society, but we are tolerated by most others. Law enforcement sees as lower life forms, they feel far superior to us. Mostly due to the fact that individuals like me with mental illness, at one time or the other has had an encounter with law enforcement, usually due to some type of mental breakdown which can be a very stressful encounter for the officer who does not have experience handling someone with a mental disease.
I think that’s why I post on my blogs, I want the world to one day see how mental illness plays with the mind. I don’t want to forever be remembered as a drain on society, I want to somehow show that I can be productive member that gave something of their life back to others.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

AssClown

Someone who does something really stupid, and it results in negative consequences.
I can’t get the thought of suicide by cop out of my mind. Everyday, several times a day on the really bad days, I think about it, I dream about it, and how it will happen.

My whole body mind and soul hurts.
My mind is now blank,
But when I try to sleep my mind is filled with noise.
I feel nothing, yet I feel everything.

I’m trying to do all the things that I know that works to help bring me up out of this state of mind. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t want to injure myself just to make myself feel better. So instead I do really stupid shit, like fuck with law enforcement. Yeah I know that’s crazy as hell, but it works. What would you do if you’ve tried all the ‘normal’ ways to end your ‘crazy thoughts’ or depression, and it didn’t work? Then one day something happened and it woke you up like an electrical shock, and you no longer felt insane. Would you then continue to seek out a way to recreate that same feeling? I sometimes do... if I want to continue to live without injuring myself, and maybe one day succeed in taking my life, even if I didn't really me to.

Sorry to all those that I fucked with, but I have to do what works…Thanks NightOwl, Baker, Lawdog, Hollywood, Armadill, Cane, Mish, RedDragon, LEF, and anyone else who I might have forgotten. I'll try not to be too much of an AssClown.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

Locked up in my own prison.

I knew it was coming…you know what I mean…something bad was going to happen. How did I know? Because every time something good happens that makes me smile, there is always something bad waiting to pounce on me like a tiger on it’s prey. It’s always just around the corner. Some people would call it Karma, but for it to be karma, I feel you have to first be doing something bad. How do you explain bad things happening to a person who never did anything wrong? From ages 1 thru 10 I can’t remember doing anything that would justify what was done to me. So now as an adult I’m suppose to believe that if I do something wrong Karma will come after me? Personally if that is the case, then I think karma owes me a few good times.
After several years of paying for a car I thought I had to have, I finally managed to pay it off. Now that it’s all broke down and in need of repair, it’s all mine. So I’m happy thinking about the extra money I will soon have. I decide to use a little money and purchase a few scratch off lottery tickets, and hooray!!! I won a total of 60 dollars. Not much but enough to make me smile. (I really have to search hard to find those moments in my life.) The really nice part came when for whatever reason, I was finally able to get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. I was feeling on top of the world. I spent a little time cleaning out my pool, and took a nice swim all alone…uninterrupted!!! It was a glorious day.

Then came the leg sweep, the slap to the face, the kick to my ribs, the check move. I was on my way to pick up dinner for everyone when I passed Mr. Asshole, I own the world, I’m better than you will ever be, perfect life, perfect wife, everything will be done my way, Police Officer R. Rains. I saw him out of the corner of my eye but refused to make eye contact with him. But he sure took a good long hard look at me, and immediately turned around and tried to get in behind me. One truck blocked his path which allowed me a few minutes to get a little distance in-between him and me. Still he knew where I went and continued to follow me to the store. He parked across the street in another parking lot, and watched my every move. Still he did not stop me. I made it on to McDonalds to pick up a few burgers, and then made my way back to the house. As I neared my driveway I spotted him sitting across the highway, and of course as soon as he spotted me heading towards the house he dropped in behind me. I made it up to the house before he hit his lights, but called me back out to his car. He had me sit in the front seat of his car as he called me in. I listen to what came back over the radio, and just waited for him to tell me to step out of the car, so he could put the cuffs on me.

Instead he said he decided to be a nice guy, and wouldn’t take me to jail, but he didn’t want to see me driving around town again.

So now I can’t go anywhere without someone else taking me. I’ve been inside for so many days that I want to throw up. I want out of the house, alone, wind blowing through my hair, feasting my eyes on something other than the white walls that surround me.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

Arrest record and police encounters.

(All names have been changed for privacy reasons. On some I just put my age, others I put the date of the encounter or the approximate date. This is a list from all the paperwork that I still have. There are a few arrest and encounters that I do not have the paperwork on, or I’ve just forgotten about. I’m not posting this because I’m bragging, I’m just trying to find a pattern to my madness, and hopefully by posting it all, I can get it all out of my system.)


Age 10 Questioned by the police about what happened when my older brother Richard was shot by an arrow in his right lung by my half brother Wally who is now in prison for murder.

Age 11 Questioned by the police about what happened when Richard shot my younger brother Dustin, in the chest with a 22 rifle.

Age 13 Questioned by the police about a purse being stolen. No proof. Secret Smile.

Age 18
November 1984 dated Robbie, LEO
December 1984…Dated and then raped by Highway patrolman Mike.
January 1985 suicide attempt, cut wrist
January 1985 Police came to my house and arrested Tammy for public intoxication. Two days later my half-brother Wally was arrested for public intoxication.
January 1985 Stopped after letting a boyfriend drive my car without license.
January 1985 stopped by officer. All beer confiscated. Let go.

February 1985 My first arrest…public intoxication, resisting arrest, assault and battery on a police officer.
2/85 Suicide attempt
2/21/85 EDO (emergency detention order) taken to Eastern State Hospital Suicide attempt…overdose
3/6/85 Larceny of merchandise from retailer, Jailed.
3/27/85 Larceny of merchandise from retailer, resisting arrest, assault an battery on a police officer, unlawful possession of a controlled drug (valium). Jailed.
Probation.
4/85 speeding ticket
4/85 speeding ticket
4/1/85 Larceny of merchandise, burglary second degree, jailed.
4/6/85 speeding 55 in 25, defective vehicle, assault and battery on a police officer, resisting arrest. Jailed.
4/8/85 speeding ticket
4/85 passing on right ticket
4/85 obstructing alleyway ticket
4/85 speeding 38 in 25 ticket
4/21/85 speeding 39 in 25, disobeyed traffic sign
4/23/85 Driving while impaired, public intoxication, possession of dangerous and controlled substance, possession of drug paraphernalia, defective vehicle (tires and brakes), possession of 3.2 beer by a minor…jailed.
4/25/85 defective vehicle
5/85 EDO ESH suicide attempt
5/15/85 operating a defective vehicle
5/85 public intoxication, jailed
5/85 public intoxication, jailed
6/17/85 obstructing an officer, burglary of Auto second degree, resisting arrest, assault on a police officer.
6/85 EDO ESH uncontrollable behavior
6/85 arrested…failure to pay
7/85 Worked at the police department to work off fines.
7/85 assault and battery (got into fight with someone)
8/85 failure to pay all cost. Jailed
8/85 public intoxication, resisting arrest, assault and battery on police officer.
9/85 sent to prison.
A few of the reports against me while in prison: Class B institutional misconduct report for disobedience to order on November 6, 10, and 29 of 1985. Class A misconduct report for battery on November 9, 1985. In addition the staff had to use force to restrain her on November 20, 26, and December 10, 1985. Refuses to attend Impulse control class.
8/86 released from prison
Parole and probation.
9/86 Dated several LEO's
10/86 public intoxication, possession of controlled substance
12/86 became a missing person
1/87 SWAT takedown
1/87 EDO overdose
2/87 possession of marijuana, and heroin (charges dropped)
10/88 house searched
4/12/90 No license on person
5/91 speeding ticket
6/91 Larceny of merchandise, Grand Larceny
8/02/96 speeding 84 in 65, reckless driving.
10/06/97 attempting to elude a police officer, driving while suspended.
11/13/97 reckless driving, jailed
97 Grand Larceny
98 probation Officer Nunnelee
12/28/98 failure to obey traffic control device, failure to use seatbelt.
3/15/99 Improper parking.
2000 no inspection sticker
2/18/00 speeding 80 in 55
6/30/00 Bench warrant application to revoke suspension of sentence
11/10/00 failure to maintain compulsory liability insurance, following at unsafe distance
5/01/01 speeding 52 in 40
8/17/01 speeding 57 in 40
9/21/01 no seatbelt
9/26/01 reckless driving
1/12/02 speeding 55 in 35, driving under suspension Jailed
4/04/02 possession of drug paraphernalia, failure to stop at stop sign, possession of marijuana.
2003 possession of marijuana, stopped and searched at the park.
2003 searched…couldn’t find anything.
2003 speeding
2004 speeding
9/24/04 no seatbelt
10/26/04 misdemeanor drug possession, arrested for posting McDeath online,
6/01/05 DWI, marijuana possession

This is not all my encounters or arrest, but it is all I can think of for now. How fucking sad when you look at like this.

Sunday, May 14, 2006

I'm trying to do the right thing.

I can’t believe it’s been one whole year since I stole anything. I know that might not mean much to other people but for me it has been one hell of leap forward. I feel if I can beat my first addiction, why not the rest?

I’ve become a member of several different sites, using different names just to see how people react to my different personalities. It’s something that I’ve found that I enjoy, and it keeps my hands and mind busy. Its funny how people react to a name, some never bother to find out about the person, they just see a screen name, decide they don’t like it and ban that person. I’ve gotten my kicks that way a few times. I’ve signed up calling myself a troll, only to be banned the second I printed a word.

I used the name Thief at several police sites, just to see what the reaction of the officers would be. It was funny…some officers just flat out hated me, while others wanted to know all about me and what made me become a thief. Hehe…and some were turned on so much by thief that they wanted to meet her. Maybe they seriously wanted to put the fuzzy cuffs on me that they were always talking about.

I have a couple of serious names that I use, and go to the same sites just to see how people react to that personality. It just amazes me how different people can be fooled into believing things that are not true. Playing the serious role is just not as much fun as playing the bad guy.
I have to say Ms Psycho has turned out to be as much fun as playing thief. Once again I have gone to police sites, just to see how the others will react. So far I’m playing along, and playing nice. One night when I get bored maybe I’ll tell everyone who I really am…hell who knows maybe they’ve already figured it out.

All I’m trying to do is not go through with my plans. The plans hang there over my head, like a bloody corpse that has been laying in the sun for days. I want it all to go away, but it won’t, so I do what I have to do to make it go away.

Monday, April 24, 2006

My life growing up helped to form who I am.


During the time when Dustin was in the hospital, Wally had returned from Texas. He wasn't getting along with his real father and decided he wanted to come back. He and I began going with my father as he would rob various places at night. He had told us the most important thing was to never, never brag to anyone. “If you keep it to yourself no one will know but you", was a saying my father would repeat to Wally and me as we went with him to be his lookout. We were to look in opposite directions and watch for anyone coming and honk the horn if we saw any lights. He would steal batteries, tires, car parts, boats, boat motors, 3 wheelers, motorcycles, gas, cattle to butcher and anything else of value that we can across. When the eclectic and telephone companies came to put in new line, we went out several times stealing items they left laying around. He stole truckload after truckload of electric copper tubing. He would cut it up in long pieces and put them in the back of the truck until it was full. He would then take all the copper tubing and stack it in a big pile out behind the garage. Then he would dump gasoline over all of it and set it ablaze, burning off the outer rubber. Everyone would stand around and watch as my father would throw more gas on top, causing it to flame up really high into the air. After it cooled, we would all grab a piece and pull out the copper pieces to sell. We then loaded the copper strips back into the truck along with whatever else we had stolen, to sell at a place that recycled metals in Kansas. Once my father found out the type of things they were willing to buy, he began stealing more and more things. It became a regular week-end 'outing' to run to Kansas and sell the things we had stolen throughout the week.

One week-end as we were burning off some copper, someone from the sheriffs department showed up. He said he was just driving by and saw the smoke and just wanted to make sure there wasn't a big fire. My father told him we were just burning some trash out back, and he had it completly under control. The officer looked over at me and smiled. He was the same one who had come to our place after Dustin was shot. My father had talked trash about him after he had tried to talk to Richard about shooting Dustin. My father said the deputy had accused Richard of shooting Dustin on purpose and wanted to take him in for questioning, but my father didn't allow him. Now he wanted to look and see what my father was burning and again my father refused. "You get a warrant and I'll let you look, but until then I'm telling you, you better get your ass off my property". The Deputy looked at me, smiled again and then got back in his truck and left. Afterwards my father began saying how much of an asshole he was. "A man can't even make a living without some fucking pig messing it up. God damn places already have enough money", he shouted angrily then quickly went back to check on the fire. "If anyone ask you kids anything, tell them we were just burning trash. They don't need to be in our business, so keep your damn mouths shut", he said then he pointed at me, "and Tayla don't you ever let me see you looking at a cop, ever again. Keep your eyes to yourself until you can show them no fear. They can see in your eyes if you're doing anything wrong."

My father became paranoid after the deputy had came that he stopped stealing the telephone cable line and began stealing cattle instead. Just a few heads at a time. Most were young unmarked cattle from around in different areas. Some he sold for cash to friends, others he butchered and put in the freezer. We never got caught at robbing anything, so it continued for years, even after Dustin had gotten out of the hospital.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Abuse


Why is that people who were abused as children often grow up to be in abusive relationships? I ask myself this question every time after I’ve been run through a washing machine, and told that I’m nothing but a piece of trash that can’t find a waste basket to be thrown into. I am a ‘nobody’ and I always will be, and God only knows I can’t do anything right, I’m a total fuck up. At least that’s what I’ve been told again and again.
I hear different voices in my head telling me what I should and should not do; it’s just so hard to know which one to listen too.

One voice calmly and sadly states that he’ll change and things will be better. It’ll never happen again. Plus in a few days everything will be forgotten and things will be wonderful……for a little while.

Yet another voice reminds me of the children and how breaking up may effect them. He really loves them and would never hurt them, it’s just when he gets mad he takes it out on me. They need a father figure in their lives to make sure they don’t go down the wrong roads. He’s the one who pays for the things they need. I don’t think I can raise them alone.

Then in the very far reaches of my brain I hear this little voice squeaking out phrases like… He’ll do it again, and next time it’s going to be worse. Get the hell out while you can. Remember when he hit you so hard in the back of your head you couldn’t even think straight for over a week? You were so dizzy after he hit you 7 or 8 times with his fist that you almost blacked out, and you had a severe headache for over a week? And you want to go back to him. Get the hell out now!!!
I sometimes want to leave, especially after he hits me. He knows where to hit so that it doesn’t leave any marks, because if the police come he doesn’t want them see where he could no longer control his aggressions. That happened a few times, and that’s what made him smarter. If the police can’t see any signs of abusive then it’s his word against mine. The police have now come so many times, that I don’t think they take it serious. Why do I say that? Because the other day when he and I got into a really big fight and he threaten once more to take my life I ran to call 911. He jerked the phone out of my hand and slammed it down, as I took off running into another room. I stood with my back into a corner expecting him to break down the door at any second and begin to beat me until the blood flowed. My heart was beating so hard in my chest as I waited for the police to come and stop him from possibly taking my life.

I heard the phone ringing, and then came his heavy footsteps walking quickly back down the hall towards the phone, cussing loudly as he did. I stepped over towards the bedroom door and I could hear him speaking to someone from the police.

“No there’s no problem here. Everything is fine.” He said in a voice that was calmer than I had ever heard before. “Sorry but 911 was on speed dial and I accidentally hit it. Sorry, it won’t happen again.” He hung up and then I heard him coming down the hallway again.

No Rescue.

“Why in fuck do you always have to call the fucking cops? You know you can’t stand the son-of-bitches and their not going to come to your rescue. You stupid bitch!”
With one big giant push he broke the door jam and stormed into the room and directly at me with such force that when he hit me the first time I passed out.