Looking Back

I’m looking at the stars;

They are so far away and their light takes so long to reach us.

Really, all we ever see of the stars, is their old photographs.

Time is free, but it's Priceless

Today has been a long day, and I should be in bed staring at the back of my eyelids, but instead I‘m thinking too much again. I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I was thinking about court and about my older son moving out. I finally made it asleep around 5am only to be woke up at 8:30am by my younger son because the person he was riding with ran out of gas and needed my help. By the time I got them off to school I figured I might as well stay awake and get some shopping done.

Problem was I couldn’t concentrate long enough to remember everything I was needing to pick up. So after an hour of wondering around lost in Wal-Mart, I gave up and instead visited Morris park. It gave me time to think about what I wanted to do with my court and what I wanted to say to my older son.

After 2 hours of walking around looking at nature and taking a few pictures, the decision about court was quickly settled. I would be broke, but the fine would be paid in full and more importantly I wouldn’t have to appear in court. I drove to city hall as I continued thinking about my older son moving out.

He’s 19 years old, turns 20 in August, but I still worry so much about him. I want him to succeed where I failed. I’ve given up a lot of things to make sure he had a good chance. Now I don’t know if I did enough. I fully understand him wanting to be out on his own, but I also fear him screwing it up and I have to be the one to bail him out again.

That’s not what’s bothering me right now.... I figure if he fucks up, oh well, he will learn, experience is the best teacher. My problem is ..... Letting him go. There are tears now. He was my baby. My first born. His presences forever altered my life. He was my reason I got out of bed every morning just so I could see his beautiful smile.

Now he’s a grown man wanting to have a life of his own. I knew the day was coming, I just didn’t think it would be so soon. It just hit me hard a couple hours ago when I was moving some of his things to another room. I stared at his baby pictures hanging on the wall, the picture of his cute little smile he had on his face one year when he convinced me to buy him a baby duck, all the years of football pictures, and then there sat his senior picture... I broke into tears. My little man has grown up. Time has passed too quickly.

I think I need to get some sleep now.

Even if the voices aren’t real, they have some good ideas.

I so fucking hate authority figures who are contentious, because in three seconds flat, I will return the favor. Talk to me normal and I’m fine, but jump stupid and I’ll show you stupid.

That’s what I had to deal with today. FUCKING Morons!!

Last week I was stopped by a really nice officer from Glenpool, for not signaling soon enough. OKAY. He was very polite as he waited on the call back to make sure my warrant, that he helped arrest me for, was all taken care of. OKAY. I told him that it was totally cleared up, but I couldn’t help but flash on the fact that the night before I had looked up my case online and saw it said, “T.C.M.W.P. NOTICE NON-COMPLETION - PART OF SENTENCE - FAILED TO REPORT”.

Of course I knew this information was incorrect, so the next morning, I called my attorney, and spoke with a lady who answered his phone. She told me that she would have my attorney call me back. (Which he never did.)

As I’m sitting there looking in the mirror at Officer G, I’m thinking I’m about to go to jail, so I start telling my 18 year old son, who is sitting next to me, what to do with the money in my purse just in case.

A few minutes later Officer G comes back up to my window, and hands me back my license, as he again apologizes. He informs me that my warrant is all clear. To nice. I smile, and he asks one last question. You know....the ‘do you have any weapons, knives, or drugs in the car?’ kind of question. I quickly respond with a no...thinking in my mind there better not be, because it’s my sons car. But he does have a couple friends who smoke marijuana, so I get a little adrenaline rush for just a moment. Then I tell him no again, because ‘I don’t smoke any more.’ Apparently, that’s not what he’s heard.

He apologizes once again, and tells me to have a nice day, without a ticket or a search of the car. (You would have wasted your time, there was nothing in the car...relief for me to.)

Now this is the difference that I’m talking about, Officer G was professional without being a dickhead. Even if it was a fucked up reason to stop me. (I needed a little boost of adrenaline, so I can’t complain.) Smile and I’ll smile back, but be a fucking AssClown and I will unleash my feral impulses. I’ll call you every name I can think of, and try to degrade you in any way possible. (Ask Officer C Smith about that one.)

The next day after the stop, I called someone at the court clerks office and talked to them about what was posted on the site: http://www.oscn.net/applications/oscn/casesearch.asp , which says that I hadn’t completed everything required of the court. I just wanted to make sure that a few months from now this all didn’t come back on me, and I get arrested for what is posted, even if it’s not correct. I’ve been through this court shit before and all it takes is one fucking moron to deliberately not put the correct information into the system, which is what I believe has happened this time.

After talking and almost arguing with a woman at the court clerks office, she finally told me I had to speak with someone in the Work Program and they would have to remove it from the system. Okay. So, I call and leave a message. No one calls back.

Today I decided to try and get this resolved once again. I was trying to speak once again with someone at the court clerks office in Tulsa, about what was posted on the site, and how to get it removed. I was told someone from the work program would have to send up some paper work to let them know that it was all clear, since they were the ones who sent the paper work stating I hadn’t done the work hours. I tried to explain this to some asshole named Curtis, but all he wanted to do was be an AssClown. Saying things like, ‘yeah sure, I’ll get right on that...’ In the most derogatory tone, that I instantly knew he had no plans of doing anything.

I became so frustrated that I hung up on him, calling him the asshole that he is, which led to him calling me back. He said he was going to do it, but after my attitude, he wouldn’t....and at that point I broke in and screamed at him, ‘no you weren’t. I could tell by the way you were talking you aren‘t going to do anything asshole. He continued to talk, I hung up, but not before screaming ASSHOLE... Into the phone. I’ve probably got a warrant now, just because this asshole thinks he better than me, and get’s off on degrading individuals. Fuck off you stupid ass bitch before I jump stupid and show you how much of a psycho I can really be.

All I've got to say is if I get arrested for this fuck-up, I will sue the shit out of this stupid bastard.

Sometimes the Best Help is no Help

When I was a little, around the age of 9, I acted more like a tomboy than a girl, mostly because I enjoyed doing the things my brothers were doing. I like going hunting, fishing, poking dead things with a stick. I played outside without shoes on, I was always digging in the dirt, I enjoyed climbing trees, and doing all the other unladylike things that a country girl would do.

Back then, and I guess still today, I feel there is a way to make the world a better place. Nothing too big; just a helping hand to someone in need, a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, even $5.00 to the drunk guy on the corner, because I feel even people like him, sometimes need a little a little help.

But how do you know when the help has gone to far? At what point to you step back? And realize you are causing more harm than good.

At 9 years old, I figured this out. It was a hard lesson taught, but one I have never forgot.

It was a warm spring day, and we were out of school for summer break. I was out wondering around the 1200 acre property, in the woods behind our house, when I heard a chirping sound coming from a small tree just a few feet in front of me. Being the curious kid that I was, and a part of me fearing that something was wrong and I would somehow be coming to the rescue of something in need, I quickly shimmed my way up the tree.

In the middle of the tree, close to a v-shape branch, sat a nice, newly built birds nest. Inside I could see 3 small eggs, one of course was where the noise was coming from. In my heart I felt the bird was crying out to me, asking for my help to free it from the confines of its shell. The mother or father bird, was no where in site, so I felt I had to help. I gently picked up the egg with the birds beak sticking out and began removing pieces of the shell.

I quickly removed all the shell, doing all the work for it, and when I did the bird stopped chirping. I was happy, thinking that I had just saved it's life. I gently sat it back down in its nest, but it just laid there. I didn't understand why it wasn't moving. I had freed it from its struggle. I continued to watch the baby bird for almost an hour, poking at it occasionally to see if it would move more, but didn't, it just laid there, and I finally had to walk away.

The next day I returned to find the baby bird laying dead on the ground near the tree. In the nest above I could hear the chirping of the other two birds that I had not helped. Later I found out that it is necessary for the baby bird to struggle out of the shell alone; that is what makes them strong enough to be able to one day fly.

Some people tend to forget this lesson in life, or never learn this one, but sometimes we have to let other people struggle alone, if they ever want to fly.

New Plans

Most of the time I tend to only write when I’m feeling stressed, or sad, so when things are going good, I just don’t really feel the need to say anything. I guess that’s how it’s been the past week or so. Things are finally going good...anyway at least for the moment. Plus I’ve been really busy putting my plan in motion...hehe.

I was finally able to get all my legal problems taken care of so I can be ‘legal’ again. No more sneaking around, wondering if at any given moment I would be arrested. It was hard to breathe then...it’s much easier now. I’m able to take in deeps breaths one at a time, and enjoy it while I’m relaxing. I’m no longer carrying a weapon with me at all times, like I have for the past three years. It actually feels good going out and not thinking about it always being there to comfort me.

Cutting has become an addiction for me since the first time I laid open my skin when I was only 12 years old. At 40 years old, I still get the same rush that I got from cutting my very first time. But now that I’ve put my plan in gear, there will no more cutting, no more marijuana, and hopefully no more arrest. I’m too fucking old to keep getting locked up over dumb shit.

I now feel like I’m a part of my boys life again, and I don‘t want to mess that up. I’m spending more time with them and enjoying what little bit of time that I may have left. This next week I’m taking them to Lake Keystone for a day at the lake to let them just be boys for their last few remaining years before they become fully grown men and leave home. It feels good being able to do things for them again.

I finally had a CT scan done last week, not surprisingly, everything thing looked okay. But I already had the feeling it was going to come out okay, because I felt I had figured out what the problem was. I wasn’t having symptoms until an hour to two after taking some meds in the evening. My hearing loss was almost at complete loss on my right side. For some reason, I suspected it was the Zyrtec that I was taking, and I was right. It took me about a week to get it all out of my system, but my hearing returned to normal, my depression felt better, I didn’t feel dizzy, and I didn’t feel as hungry as I did after taking the Zyrtec. I still have to have a few more test done, but I think they are going to turn out just fine.

Right now, I feel good. I’m down 16 pounds. That’s not much, but it’s a good start. I guess three years of inactivity will do that to a person. I just have to really watch myself now, because I keep spending a lot of time outside in the pool, causing myself to get sun burnt several times now. My white ass burns too damn easy.

The other thing is...I won’t be spending as much time online posting crazy ass stories and such...law enforcement should be happy. I’ll be outside enjoying what little time I may have left on this earth.

It's time for the other person inside of me to step to the front of the class.

Hope everyone has a great week!!!

Just Something to Talk About

Wow! It has been crazy this past week. This is going to be a long post, so get yourself some popcorn and sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Tuesday I woke up with what I first thought was a severe case of Vertigo. If you don’t know what that is look it up, but basically it is a inner ear imbalance, which causes nausea, head spinning, and other symptoms that basically will put you on your ass until it passes. I’ve had it in the past and had to go the ER, but this time I decided to fight it alone.

Problem was this time the symptoms were a little worse and now I’m beginning to believe it might be Ménière's syndrome. I had a complete loss of balance, severe hearing loss in my right ear, along with a loud ringing sensation. Whenever I stood I felt severe dizziness, things seem to be spinning around, I was also had nausea and I broke out in a hard sweat. Guess I should have went to the Doctor, but after two days it finally went away after I took a few Benadryl for sinus and cold, my symptoms ease up enough that I could function.

Thursday I was finally feeling well enough to make it to Wal-Mart to do a little grocery shopping. Since the boys were out of school for the summer, I knew I would have to pick up few extra groceries to keep them fed. Still, before I left the house I decided to take a Reglan to help with the nausea I was still having. Dumb ass me, I forget that the Reglan causes muscle contractions and helps to empty my stomach quicker. So, I’m walking through Wal-Mart and I’m just about finished with my shopping when a cramp slams my lower stomach. It feels like a fart so I begin thinking I can just ease it out while I’m walking down one of the isles. I get about in the middle of one isle and I don’t see any one else, so I start to ease it out, when suddenly an elderly couple begin walking my way. I squeeze my ass cheeks together tightly and continue walking on around to the next isle.

Ahhhh, I think, this isle is completely abandoned, so I secretly smile to myself and walk to the middle of the isle and begin once again to slowly ease out a massive fart that is building deep in my gut. I give a little push and nothing happens, so I try to push a little harder and I suddenly realize... IT IS NOT A FART!! I felt my eyes go wide, and my mind begins screaming RETREAT!! RETREAT!! Now instead of pushing out, I’m trying to suck it back up inside my stomach.

I have just two more isle to go and I’m finished with my shopping, so dumb ass me decides I can wait, but my stomach has another idea. I’m at the fruit isle when my stomach screams at me telling me I need to find a bathroom now!! Ignoring the rest of my shopping I make it as quickly as possible to the front of the store. I see the bathroom sign and begin walking in still tightly squeezing my ass cheeks together. I’ve never been in this bathroom and notice there are two ways I can go, so I begin wondering am I walking into the men’s room? Then my body reminds me of what I’m there for and tells my mind, “ I don’t care if this is the men’s room....YOU HAVE TO SHIT NOW!!”

I hate taking a dump in another toilet other than my own at home, but in an emergency you do what you have to do. One quick push and it was all out and my stomach cramps retreat. I finish and walk out to wash my hands and see another woman, so I smile to myself, thankful that I hadn’t walk into the wrong bathroom.

When I get home from Wal-Mart I find I have a house full of teenage boys. Most of them I knew, but a couple of them were strangers. At first my mind begins thinking, this can’t be good, and what kind of trouble might suddenly happen with that many teen boys. But then my 15-year-old son ask me if it’s okay for them to fill water balloons. My mind relaxes knowing at heart he is still my little boy. They filled up over 200 water balloons, which probably cost my 20 dollars, but they had fun.

After they all got soaked, they came in, changed into dry clothes that they had brought with them, and sat down to play video games. About an hour later after everyone leaves, I get a call from one of the new boys mom who wanted to meet me...before her son spent the night at my house. Even though my son hasn’t said anything to me about someone spending the night, I figure why not...I didn’t know what else to say. I tell her sure it will be okay, and then she goes on asking me one hundred questions. She then tells me her son, who is 16, has never spent a night away from home. WOW!! And I always thought I was protective of my boys. She finally agrees that it will be okay, but she still wants to come by and meet me.

Ten minutes later she shows up and I invite her in. She looks around like she’s expecting to see something horrible, but after a long look around she smiles and agrees that it will be okay for her son to stay the night at my house. I felt like I was being inspected. I guess its good to know that my house was proper enough for her. We step back outside and continue talking about the boys for another 15 minutes before the rest of the boys return with their with camping gear and over night bags. This is when I’m finally told by my son that all his friends want to spend the night in tents in the backyard. I have the hardest time saying no to people, especially my boys, and so I agreed.

They set up the tents, then play a little basketball in the backyard before coming inside to play video games and munch on some pop and chips. Around this time my next door neighbor calls me and wants to know if I want a frozen margarita...sure bring one over I tell her. I finish my drink in about 20 minutes, and my head is already being to feel the effects. She asks if I want another, and decide why not, so we head over to her place for another one. The boys are old enough and I felt they could safely keep themselves entertained for a little while, so I stay at her house and finish off a second drink.

The second one was stronger than the first one, plus I’m drinking it through a straw, quickly so I can go back and check in on the boys. I stumble over to my house and look in to see them all still playing videos games. Back to my friends house I went, for yet another drink and to smoke in her backyard. By the time I finish the third drink, I beginning to notice my face feels numb, and everything is suddenly funny as hell.

When I do drink, I usually stay in a good mood as long as there is no jackass around to put me in a bad mood. Between the drinking and smoking, I begin telling my friend about my little problem I had a Wal-Mart. We both begin laughing so hard, that if the neighbors had been awake they would have heard our roars of laughter clearly. My friend then tells me she had the same problem the other day, but when she pushed a little too hard she made a nasty mess on herself. Again the laughter rang out loudly throughout the night air, and I didn’t care that all the laughing was making my sides hurt and my cheeks to ache...it felt great.

We went inside for a 4th drink, when a Junebug landed on my exposed big toe. I immediately sling my foot skyward, sending the little bugger flying across the room, smacking into the cabinet with a loud thud. We roar with laughter. It amazes me how little things like that are so funny when intoxicated.

Around 2:00am, I cautiously make it back to my house to put the boys in their tents for the night. And of course my drunk mind thinks it will be cool to get online and post some crazy shit. I posted one blog without correcting any of my mistakes and decided to leave it up, but just a couple minutes after that post, I thought of more shit to say. Problem was, it was some things I should have really kept to myself. I’m sorry if I pissed anyone off, I was just drunk and talking crazy shit. When I read that post this morning I quickly removed it, before anyone else could read it. In all there were only 8 other people who read the post, and only 3 were from around in the Tulsa County area. If you were one of the people I mentioned in the post...forgive me...I meant no harm...it was just the drunk in me letting off a little steam.

I have more to say, but I’ll save it until the next post, this one has already gotten to be too damn long. Hope everyone has a safe holiday weekend.

It tastes like suicide

I’m trying my best to pull the chair up to the desk and write here just so I don’t lie in bed all day staring at the ceiling.

My brain is becoming incredibly noisy again. I don’t feel I can even properly articulate myself today as I can’t make sense of what is going on.

Recently the noise has been turned up again. It’s almost white noise; a rush of thoughts that flood in and swirl around. I have trouble coping when my mind is like this; I can’t get my thoughts straight and it makes it difficult to sleep or hold a conversation. It’s distracting and depressing. Depressing because the thoughts are almost wholly negative, but so very fast. Distracting because I can’t focus on the same thing for more than a few seconds before my mind takes me elsewhere.

What is also bothering and scaring me are “intrusive thoughts”- not the type you get with OCD. This is something I’ve lived with for years but they still frighten me and make me incredibly anxious and uncomfortable. They come from absolutely nowhere, quite suddenly and I feel like I don’t have control over them. I don’t want them and the things that I think of are things I do not want to do or see. I get images, like flashbacks, that strike out from the mess. Horrible things, like rotting images of my father, of myself, violent thoughts, thoughts of suicide, images of death and dying and decay. There are words and phrases too that stick in my mind and start skipping like a faulty record. I find it so hard to get past it that I either start writing, saying or forcefully thinking of something else. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t and drives me to frustration. It happens when I’m trying to sleep too so I have to talk myself down from complete panic.

When I’m out and about, if someone is near me, I have this thought that they’re going to hurt me, so I get panicked and have to get away, somewhere lonely and safe. I get convinced that they have a knife or gun or are looking at me oddly. I freeze and then begin to get anxious. And run off, or walk quickly away.

These thoughts have been keeping me awake recently and making me burst into tears. Sometimes I wish I had a dial I could use to turn down the volume.


When I die and my life flashes before me, I wonder if it will be worth watching.
Suicide---Don’t do it...Why make all your enemies happy?

What if today was to be my last day?

It's always darkest before dawn.....
So if you're going to STEAL the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it...




Have you ever woken up one morning and wondered,
"What if today was to be my last?"
Well...have you?
I find myself thinking along those lines every once in a while.
This morning for example. I mean, what if I died today?
What if this were it? What would be my regrets?
What would I have accomplished, what would I have failed?
Whose lives would I have touched? What would I have changed?

I guess at some stage we are all touched by our mortality, some sooner than others. As a young child I was introduced to the concept of death, and it scared me terribly, I didn't want to die and at that point I remember my biggest wish in life were to live forever.
I was five.

As is the case, life progressed and a little over a year later, I had come to terms with it and no longer feared death... it was about that time that I became a very adventurous kid, and really have been ever since. Of course there was also the curiosity about post-death. I mean...what the hell happens (no pun intended)?

Its actually quite interesting to take a good look throughout history, local folklore and religion. There is always talk of afterlife...of some sort. There was Hades, Elysium, the Great Hunting Grounds. There were Banshees, Vampires, Ghosts. There is Heaven, Hell, Enlightenment, Reincarnation. Nowhere was there talk of...nothing...nothingness...blackness...void...death, and only death, ceasing to exist on this or any other plane of existence. Why is that? is it out of fear? A fear that lingers in any and all people to some extent, the fear that the old credence of "There has to be something better," may not be true.

Many years ago I asked an old friend of mine why he believes in God? What evidence is there, what is the point, why not pray to the Sun while you're at it, at least you can see the Sun. I said more, quite a bit more; he could have gotten angry, he could have told me we were no longer friends, he could have told me to go to Hell... instead he looked at me with this unnerving calm in his eyes said, “Faith, you have to have faith". That has stuck with me ever since. The 18 year old kid who knew the entire world and had conquered her fear of death 12 years ago was both shaken and stirred... and most importantly, I was thinking.

If I died today, I would think that I'd be ready for it. I have done a lot in my life thus far. I hope I have touched a few lives, I have let others cry on my shoulder so that their day was a little easier, I have helped to rebuild people's confidence in themselves and others. I have made people laugh. I have made people think. My only regret? Not going back to finish college. But whether that is in the cards or not? That is out of my hands... I guess I'll just sit back, relax and enjoy the ride.