Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mind Hating Self --- Anybody Got a Really Big Shovel They Can Loan Me?

I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to dig my way out of this gigantic hole I’ve dug for myself at some unknown location, where no one is able to locate me. Not sure if I want to be found right now anyway, but I’ve been here for a couple weeks and if I don’t start looking for a way out, I might be lost for a long time.

My impulsive actions sent me out late back on the 4th, wondering around in my circles again, which led to another stop for doing a u-turn. It wasn’t illegal, just caught law enforcements eyes at almost 1am. It was an officer that I hadn’t had contact with, anyway I didn’t recognize his face and I don’t think he knew me. I handed over my insurance and ID, then he went back to his car to checked me out in the system. When he returned, I could tell by his actions, that he was informed to who I was. He gave me back my insurance and ID, then asked me a couple questions. The one that stayed in my mind was when he asked if I was okay. I should have been honest and said no, I’m not okay right now. But I know what that would mean. A trip to the psych ward. So I lied, and drove away without breathing, and without a ticket.

Friday the 5th was even worse. Anger was raging deep inside me for no known reason. The universe felt foreign, and I wasn’t willing to be a part of anything the world was offering. I was hating everybody and everything they were doing. Little things annoyed the hell out of me as I tried to complete a forgotten task. And when I stopped to think about it all, it caused me to have those uncomfortable palpitation in my heart that often lead me down the wrong roads in my attempt to quash my tedious and trying dark thoughts.

My windows were up as I drove along Highway 117 playing Knockin Doors Down at full volume. No luck. The voices just screamed at each other a little louder in my head.

My body began feeling like it was being squeezed by some giant hand reaching out and wrapping its fingers around my entire body. I couldn’t breathe, and the need to escape overtook my mind after I had drove several slow miles blocked behind a couple cars. As my thoughts raced non-stop, impulse control was thrown out the window and without thought or care, I drove wildly into the center turning lane in my attempt to escape whatever it was that I was convinced was after me. Reality was gone.

After breaking free from my enclosure, I felt a brief sense of relief, but that would be short-lived. Again the story of my life... I wasn’t paying attention, but THEY were. Damn those unmarked black cop cars! He caught up with me about 3 miles later.

I quickly pulled over as a few hundred thoughts ran rapidly across my forehead. I reached out and grabbed one thought as the officer tapped on my window. I didn’t want to try and explain it to the officer that if I didn’t do what I did, the world might have exploded. Anyway that’s what my mind had convinced me was going to happen if I didn’t pass the two idiot drivers in the center lane, and then sped off at double the speed limit.

Instead, I lied and told him I was a diabetic and my blood sugar was low. It might have been, I hadn’t eaten anything that day. But I also know when I get stressed, like being stopped, my blood sugar will spike real high. So even if it was low before he stopped me, it had to be somewhere around 180 after the stop.

At least the officer was polite, even after he ran my record and let me know, as if I didn’t already know, that I have a very extensive driving record. I’ll be lucky as hell if I don’t lose my drivers license again.

FUCK! This time I got a ticket for illegal passing. The officer said he knew I was speeding but he wasn’t going to give me a ticket for that since he said he didn’t actually catch me speeding. Then came the serious question again, ‘Are you okay?’ Two days in a row, two different officers asking the same question. Again I lie. I convince myself that these feelings, mood swings, whatever you want to call it, will pass... I just have to ride out the storm. I just hope they make a towel big enough to dry myself off when its all over.

I have court on March 22 for this charge and April something for the speeding ticket I got last month....again FUCK! The two tickets total over $500 dollars, plus the time I have to spend going to these damn things because I can’t come up with that much money unless I commit a crime.

The next day, I crashed hard. I’ve been down since with no motivation to do anything. My psychological inertia is now preventing me from doing anything constructive to help me elevate my mood. I’m lost. I don’t want to move, think, write or participate in life. I haven’t done any writing in weeks. The thoughts are just blank.

DEEP Breath!

This is step one again...
I made myself move a few hours ago, then I started thinking, and now I’m writing. Maybe tomorrow I’ll participate in life.

Saturday, March 06, 2010

When my life flashes before my eyes, will it be worth watching?

F   U   C   K !

I fucking hate my 
borderline personality disorder!!!