I’ve had two dreams about going to court in Sand Springs. In the dream, I’m at the courthouse and just as I walk inside I hear the voice of the officer I talked to a few years ago from a pay phone, but I never see his face, I only hear his voice and the voice of other officers suddenly talking. I feel extreme panic and feel the need to escape so I turn to walk outside. When I step outside I meet face to face with badge bunnies husband and he just stares into my face. At that point, I realize I’m dreaming and force myself to wake up. I think I see his face because he is the only one that I have actually met, and I recently saw him while I was in Sand Springs.
The dream and appearing in court are both equally stressing me. I keep thinking about what the officer posted online at Coplouge a few years ago after I talked with him that day...
Quote: If you could spend a day with a board member who would it be?
I'd like a day with Thief...oh yes just one day...we'd work out some things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~>:view19: Me taking care of Thief. Here thiefy, thiefy, thiefy!!
Guess I really pissed him off. This happened several years ago, so maybe he isn’t even around any more, and if he is, hopefully he has let it go. (yes, I fucking access your board Dunny...get over it... I was just looking for that quote from Baker.)
My court date was for tonight, so I’m glad I pushed it off until after my son graduates, just in case ‘Baker’ decides he still wants to ‘work out some things’. Regardless, I’m going to prepare myself... Put my plan in motion... Take a pill or two... And stay as calm as I possibly can. Maybe I’ll walk out without even seeing any of them.
Showing posts with label coplounge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label coplounge. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
If There Was a Line That One Must Not Cross, I Had Reached It
It's 8:15am and since I slept hard last night after finally crashing, I'm up early, so I might as well finish my story....
If there was a line that one must not cross, I had reached it. The more involved my mania became, the quicker that line began to disappear, along with all my discretion and judgment.
I left the Doctors office around 3:30, cramping after the invasive painful procedure, but necessary according to the doctors. The pain, and the pills that I had taken, were doing nothing to slow down my manic mind that was running 10 times its normal speed. The day before I had tried smoking some marijuana to help calm me down, but when I’m that far out there, marijuana, pills, not even drinking Tequila relaxes me. It’s not even necessary for me to take the Phentermine on these days. I already have enough energy, and food just really doesn’t taste that great.
I really didn’t want to head home and have to think about sitting still, so instead of taking highway 75 exit from downtown Tulsa, back to my place, I drove towards Sand Springs to pick up something to eat for the first time that day. I purchased a six inch sub and a diet coke from a Subway near Wal-Mart, and then found a location not far away to park. I sat there trying to eat the tasteless meal, but all my mind could do was envision alternate endings to taking my life.
Recognition of my mania phase is one thing, but doing something about it is another story. When I’m manic my mind has a great many voices and none of them are ever silent. Each one speaking out of turn, interrupting each other with different thoughts and ideas. When I’m talking to other people, I assume these other personalities to fit whatever situation I’m in, which is sometimes good...sometimes not.
That day my voices debated about should I cut myself. Until one voice muddled it way to the surface and came in loud and clear. It shouted for everyone to just shut the fuck up and end this tortuous game that my mind was playing. A part of me knows that cutting will awaken my mind, but it can have many serious consequences. Still, at the moment, the voice that was telling me to cut myself, was the only voice I heard.
As I sat alone, parked in an almost empty field, watching cars drive by, I held a small knife blade to my left arm. My adrenaline began flowing as I thought about the relief that I would soon be feeling. At that moment, a friend called and I sat there for 10 to 15 minutes listening to her talk about what a bad day she was having. I listened, but absorbed very little of the conversation. As soon as she hung up, I went right back to what I was doing. I had to do something to bring me out of the manic phase. I knew if I didn’t do something soon, I would probably find myself locked up somewhere, and that just wasn’t an option.
I took a deep breath and looked up to make sure no one was around or looking in my direction. I immediately spotted a Sand Springs officer driving by, so I quickly hid the knife in my bra, and proceeded to leave the area. I didn’t want to explain to anyone in law enforcement what I was doing. Plus, just two days before, on Tuesday, I was driving around and around in my circles, trying to kill time while I waited on a friend to finish her DUI Classes at the Tulsa fire training center, when I ran into a Sand Springs officer that I met years ago, and knew him from being online at CopLounge. He looked me dead in the face, but I’m still not sure if he recognized me. Since he was working that shift on Tuesday, my mind ran through various images of his face, worried that it was him who was turning around and coming back my direction. I wasn’t ready for that yet.
I nervously pulled out of my parking spot, hoping the officer wasn’t really paying any attention to me, but I was wrong. He quickly swung through the parking area and got right behind me. Adrenaline poured through my chest, and my heart began pumping double its volume of blood.
I could see the officer quickly getting right behind me as he was talking on his radio. He was calling in the tag number, and of course I knew it was going to come back to a friend whose drivers license was still suspended. At the next light, I turned left and he turned on those colorful pretty lights, that would be beautiful, if they weren’t concealing someone who might be completely indifferent to my diagnosis.
When I’m manic there is nothing like having a law enforcement officer near me to embolden a manic mood. I was running a hundred scenarios through my head about what I was going to say to the officer, and I knew when I was surging this much, there was no telling what I would say.
I took a deep breath, opened my window and waited for him to ask for my drivers license and insurance, which I handed over. He asked me what I was doing in the area where I was parked, and I quickly told him I was just making a phone call. After a few more questions, he want back to the patrol car and I could see him calling in my drivers license. I nervously sat waiting, when I looked in the mirror and noticed he was looking down the road for another officer to arrive. That's never a good sign.
It was time to assume another personality. You know the one...the one where everything is fine and this is all just a big misunderstanding. I spoke with the younger officer while the first officer searched my car. When I’m manic and experiencing OCD at the same time, it makes it hard to let others touch my things, or to keep from talking. No one but another manic person could possible understand the agony of enforced silence. I had to finally bite the inside of my mouth to keep from saying too much. Still, I felt like I had given out more information than was necessary.
When the search was complete, I was informed that I was in possession of a Class 4 Drug... the phentermine that I’ve been taking for about 4 months now. I was informed that I could be arrested since I didn’t have them in a prescription bottle, but the officer was nice considering my past drug history and arrest, that he didn't place the cuffs on me, instead he just gave me ticket. For which I was truly thankful. The only part that really sucks is I have to show up in court. I quickly asked if I could bring the prescription in at anytime, but the officer said the Judge required that I appear. Fuck!
Afterwards I drove away, fully relieved that I didn’t have to cut myself just to shock my brain into producing the right chemicals so I could feel normal again. The manic mood ended, leaving me just normal enough to function without much thought. I just hope the depression that I know usually follows, won’t be so bad this time.
If there was a line that one must not cross, I had reached it. The more involved my mania became, the quicker that line began to disappear, along with all my discretion and judgment.
I left the Doctors office around 3:30, cramping after the invasive painful procedure, but necessary according to the doctors. The pain, and the pills that I had taken, were doing nothing to slow down my manic mind that was running 10 times its normal speed. The day before I had tried smoking some marijuana to help calm me down, but when I’m that far out there, marijuana, pills, not even drinking Tequila relaxes me. It’s not even necessary for me to take the Phentermine on these days. I already have enough energy, and food just really doesn’t taste that great.
I really didn’t want to head home and have to think about sitting still, so instead of taking highway 75 exit from downtown Tulsa, back to my place, I drove towards Sand Springs to pick up something to eat for the first time that day. I purchased a six inch sub and a diet coke from a Subway near Wal-Mart, and then found a location not far away to park. I sat there trying to eat the tasteless meal, but all my mind could do was envision alternate endings to taking my life.
Recognition of my mania phase is one thing, but doing something about it is another story. When I’m manic my mind has a great many voices and none of them are ever silent. Each one speaking out of turn, interrupting each other with different thoughts and ideas. When I’m talking to other people, I assume these other personalities to fit whatever situation I’m in, which is sometimes good...sometimes not.
That day my voices debated about should I cut myself. Until one voice muddled it way to the surface and came in loud and clear. It shouted for everyone to just shut the fuck up and end this tortuous game that my mind was playing. A part of me knows that cutting will awaken my mind, but it can have many serious consequences. Still, at the moment, the voice that was telling me to cut myself, was the only voice I heard.
As I sat alone, parked in an almost empty field, watching cars drive by, I held a small knife blade to my left arm. My adrenaline began flowing as I thought about the relief that I would soon be feeling. At that moment, a friend called and I sat there for 10 to 15 minutes listening to her talk about what a bad day she was having. I listened, but absorbed very little of the conversation. As soon as she hung up, I went right back to what I was doing. I had to do something to bring me out of the manic phase. I knew if I didn’t do something soon, I would probably find myself locked up somewhere, and that just wasn’t an option.
I took a deep breath and looked up to make sure no one was around or looking in my direction. I immediately spotted a Sand Springs officer driving by, so I quickly hid the knife in my bra, and proceeded to leave the area. I didn’t want to explain to anyone in law enforcement what I was doing. Plus, just two days before, on Tuesday, I was driving around and around in my circles, trying to kill time while I waited on a friend to finish her DUI Classes at the Tulsa fire training center, when I ran into a Sand Springs officer that I met years ago, and knew him from being online at CopLounge. He looked me dead in the face, but I’m still not sure if he recognized me. Since he was working that shift on Tuesday, my mind ran through various images of his face, worried that it was him who was turning around and coming back my direction. I wasn’t ready for that yet.
I nervously pulled out of my parking spot, hoping the officer wasn’t really paying any attention to me, but I was wrong. He quickly swung through the parking area and got right behind me. Adrenaline poured through my chest, and my heart began pumping double its volume of blood.
I could see the officer quickly getting right behind me as he was talking on his radio. He was calling in the tag number, and of course I knew it was going to come back to a friend whose drivers license was still suspended. At the next light, I turned left and he turned on those colorful pretty lights, that would be beautiful, if they weren’t concealing someone who might be completely indifferent to my diagnosis.
When I’m manic there is nothing like having a law enforcement officer near me to embolden a manic mood. I was running a hundred scenarios through my head about what I was going to say to the officer, and I knew when I was surging this much, there was no telling what I would say.
I took a deep breath, opened my window and waited for him to ask for my drivers license and insurance, which I handed over. He asked me what I was doing in the area where I was parked, and I quickly told him I was just making a phone call. After a few more questions, he want back to the patrol car and I could see him calling in my drivers license. I nervously sat waiting, when I looked in the mirror and noticed he was looking down the road for another officer to arrive. That's never a good sign.
It was time to assume another personality. You know the one...the one where everything is fine and this is all just a big misunderstanding. I spoke with the younger officer while the first officer searched my car. When I’m manic and experiencing OCD at the same time, it makes it hard to let others touch my things, or to keep from talking. No one but another manic person could possible understand the agony of enforced silence. I had to finally bite the inside of my mouth to keep from saying too much. Still, I felt like I had given out more information than was necessary.
When the search was complete, I was informed that I was in possession of a Class 4 Drug... the phentermine that I’ve been taking for about 4 months now. I was informed that I could be arrested since I didn’t have them in a prescription bottle, but the officer was nice considering my past drug history and arrest, that he didn't place the cuffs on me, instead he just gave me ticket. For which I was truly thankful. The only part that really sucks is I have to show up in court. I quickly asked if I could bring the prescription in at anytime, but the officer said the Judge required that I appear. Fuck!
Afterwards I drove away, fully relieved that I didn’t have to cut myself just to shock my brain into producing the right chemicals so I could feel normal again. The manic mood ended, leaving me just normal enough to function without much thought. I just hope the depression that I know usually follows, won’t be so bad this time.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Stalking Coplounge
Just as I figured I wouldn’t be getting an apology. My friend told me she talked to, bored out of her mind apparently, Officer D again, because she didn’t believe it was my friend when she sent them a message, again Officer D believes it was me. Okay get over it and move on. I came to Coplounge in the beginning, years ago. You got to meet one of my personalities, that person hasn’t been back in years. Then you met Perdure, who was apparently normal enough that everyone on Coplounge got along with her for a year. Perdure never once caused a ‘problem’ on your board. And don’t you remember it was I who ended that relationship. Since then I have not returned to your board as Mjones or anyone else. Your board is not so interesting that I feel the need to stalk you and see what you are saying at every moment.
But just for fun...here’s a poem about stalking...enjoy!!! Hehe
Satisfy A Need
Stalking, creeping, peeping around in dark corners.
Am I there? Do you see me? I see you.
Watching, waiting, debating.
Just one more cigarette
I have no other place to be.
Am I there? Do you see me? I see you.
Watching, waiting, debating.
Just one more cigarette
I have no other place to be.
I’m so quiet you can hear the moonlight sigh.
I see you everyday as you come and go by.
You can not hide.
You’ll never have peace.
Do I make your skin crawl?
Do you feel sick?
I’m patient, silently waiting.
Am I here or there?
Do you see me everywhere?
Outside with the wind blowing through your hair,
Look around, you might see me standing there.
Am I creepy, a little touched?
Maybe it’s just all in your head.
Footsteps from behind,
No where to run,
No place to hide.
Who was really on the phone?
Am I out front
Or coming up from behind?
Hard to spot,
You might not get off a shot.
Am I out front
Or coming up from behind?
Hard to spot,
You might not get off a shot.
Later today I will email you as somebody you don’t know.
Do you feel fear washing over you?
Goosebumps up and down your spine.
For today the hunt will be done,
But there is always tomorrow.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
To Coplounge: Where is my apology?
Those who never retract their opinions love themselves more than they love truth.--Joseph Jouber
My friend told me she sent you proof of who she was, and that she and her husband are the ones who use the name Mjones...not me!
You know you were wrong, now admit it, but it takes a lot of courage and humility to step up and acknowledge when you’re mistaken. Do you have that? You know you were definitely in the wrong, but you’re not taking responsibility for your mistake.
Most people who are addicted to being right never even get to the point where they can admit they were wrong. They never become conscious of the fact that they may just possibly have a flaw. Maybe you’re trying to save face or hold onto your self esteem, but whatever the reason is for you, next time you are addicted to being right, try a new tact. Try seeing it as an opportunity to admit you’re wrong. Admitting you are wrong shows you’re human. Are you human Officer D? Badgebunny?
Law enforcement has a hard time with this concept, they can’t or won’t admit when they are wrong about something. They just let the person go on sitting in that jail cell rotting away, even though they know they are wrong.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Coplounge...Just be yourself and if people don’t like it, well fuck them.
Well, I had another post that I was going to post, but it seems like I need to respond to the fact that some law enforcement officials have found my site. They seem to find it rather disturbing to their souls. Why? It’s just words, thoughts, doesn’t mean that at any moment I going to snap and break you little freakin necks.
Yes, over 2 years ago I was going through a very stressful time...I stopped taking depression pills, which left my mind wondering way out in left field. That was then.
Now for some reason they think I’m stalking them...hell I don’t know what the fuck they are talking about. I haven’t been back to their site since I stopped being Perdure. I was only on their site to let them see the other side of me....the half-way normal part of me. It was obvious that they didn’t want me around after I told them who I really was, so I left and I haven’t been back to Coplounge. A few days later I tried to go back to their site and they had me banned, so now I can’t go back to their site, so I’m not sure why the fuck they are fucking with me now. I think its my neighbor who keeps going to their site, and they think its me...anyway my neighbor told me about a month ago that she was banned from their site after reading some post about me.
This is the link a friend sent to me...but I can’t go there...so you’ll have to read for yourself what they are saying. http://www.coplounge.com/board/viewthread.php?tid=12963
I don’t really know what they are saying about me this time, and I really don’t give a flying fuck, but apparently a few articles that I’ve written have caught their attention. I have a site meter on here, and it tells me who comes to my site, and where they are from, so that’s how I found out last night that they are viewing my pages.
Now one of the from Hyde Park, Massachusetts...I think I know who that is, but I’m not going to name names, thought they were smart posting anonymously so that I wouldn’t know who posted some shit about me saying I was lying. All I have to say about that...contact either one of my sister’s they will tell you it happened, because it happened to them too, and no of us talked because we were afraid to talk. How dare you tell someone something like that!!!...just rape the victim all over again why don’t you! In your profession, how many other women have you told this too...‘ohhhh you are just lying’ ?
Have you ever once stopped and asked yourself what made me this way? Was it just because I supposedly came from some trailer park... As you put it? It wasn’t a trailer park, but we were very poor...sorry I wasn’t born with a silver spoon in my mouth. Being just poor wouldn’t have made me the person I now am. Other things that were going on around me, is what brought me to this place here on earth that I call hell.
Don’t worry there’s not much time left and then it will all be over.
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Its hard doing the right thing all the time, but I’m getting there, slowly.
Many times in my life I have wanted to end my suffering, but recently instead of doing that I decided to do as others have suggested and try to make a change. To do that I had to find people and places on the internet where I could at least pretend to be normal for a short time during my day. It kept me from thinking about how earlier in the day I had saw a strange man on the street that reminded of my father. A smell, someone else’s words, always seem's to remind me of him. People I met on the internet, I didn’t have to look in the eyes, they didn’t have to know anything about who I really was. And so for that time, I felt normal. I felt like everyone else.
Slowly I began to change even more things about myself. I thought I was becoming a better person when I finally stopped being a thief. I became Perdure. (If you don’t know what perdure means…look it up in the dictionary.) I was following those who are able to resist their urges, and live a stable life. It was all that I really wanted, and for a short time, I had what they had.
Sorry everyone from Coplounge http://www.coplounge.com/board/portal.php
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