Tell me to stop

Tell me to stop.
I probably won’t listen, but still tell me anyway.
Slap me. Hit me. Kick me to the ground.
Tell me to stop!
Put the cuffs on. Arrest me. Put me in jail.
I still don’t think that will make me stop.
Even if I hit the ground face first,
I would get back up and run right into the lion’s den.  
Sorry, I’m trying to get this all up out of my head.
But the voices are shouting again,
And we are not getting along.
You think I’m crazy? You really have no idea.
Tell me all the reasons why it’s wrong,
And I’ll tell you this is the only hell I understand.
I don’t think I’ll ever changed my ways.
Tell me to stop.

My emotions are slamming me into the ground tonight.
Homicidal and suicidal thoughts consume my mind.
But acting on those thoughts take more energy than I’m willing to put forth. 
Tell me to stop.

Sitting In The Dark Getting Buzzed

Two roads split in the woods,

  I took the one less traveled by others, 

Now I’m wondering where the hell am I?

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I remember as a teen I once tried to explain to an officer ‘what my problem was’, but I couldn’t put into words the chaos that was driving around in circles in my mind. I’m still not sure I can explain it to people who have never experienced intrusive thoughts. It’s similar to being in a room full of people, each one with their own thoughts and ideas, right or wrong, speaking rapidly, and I have to decide which voice I obey.

My latest thoughts involved the death of many people. One by one, going door to door, leaving no one standing until the entire block is clear. I see the images, the blood, the look of shock on their faces, puzzlement, wondering why. Don’t ask me, I still don’t know why. It just has to be done.

I’m a weak person, so many times I listen to the wrong voice. Tell me what I’m living for.

When the thoughts become louder than usual, I have to get out. This is when I spend most of my time driving around in my circles, playing music loud enough to drown out all the noise in my head. People sometimes look at me crazy when I pull up next to them and my music is vibrating their car windows. But I don’t care what they think, it’s the only way to drown out all the other voices.

At least I’ve figured out an early warning signal that I get right before I’m about to experience violent intrusive thoughts. It can happen anywhere or at anytime, depending on the odors around me, but certain things that I smell impact my thought process. The stronger the odor the stronger my response. Sometimes it can be pleasant at first, like when I was shopping at Wal-Mart the other day, I walked past this average looking guy who had on some wonderful smelling cologne, which set off my intrusive thoughts. The next thing I realize, I’m stalking this guy just to smell him, and I’m dreaming about having sex with him. Then suddenly my mind shifts and I go from wanting to have sex with him, to wanting to take his life slowly. My mind then fears that I might suddenly act out some sexually inappropriate behavior right there in the middle of the floor in Wal-Mart, so I have to quickly get away from him.

Then there are the times when I smell something that isn’t pleasant, like the exhaust from my car sitting in the garage. My mind will sometimes tell me to just sit there with the engine running, without opening the garage door, and just let things happen. First though I might go out and smash my car into as many things as I can, and then come home and close the garage tightly down around me.


This is mostly why I smoke weed. It shuts up all those stupid ass voices floating around in head.
----------------------------------------------

Below is a link to a site I think I've posted before, but it explains what violent intrusive thoughts are and how treatment might work for people looking for a solution.
Violent Obsessions Killer Thoughts

Psycho Thoughts

Am I wrong for thinking about wanting to kill with my bare hands? Or enjoying the sensation of squeezing the life from what disgust me the most?

I’ve been thinking about this for a long time now, but I never wanted to say anything mostly because it involves a good friend. Several years ago this person gave my son a puppy, and I agreed to let him keep it, even though inside one of my many voices loath dogs. Over time I was able to build a privacy fence and put him in the backyard so he could run freely, and stay out from under my feet.

My son thought our dog was lonely being outside all day, so about a year later, we got another dog. This time a female. Within a year, I had puppies to deal with. My good friend/neighbor fell in love with one of the puppies and took a beautiful brown female to her house next door.

A couple years passed, and my dogs do what most outside dogs do... They try to escape. I began a daily ritual of inspecting the fence for new holes that my dog, or my good friends dog would make in our connecting fence. Still, no matter how hard I tried they somehow managed to occasionally escape.

It became really bad when her dog came in heat, and she would leave her dog in the backyard all day. The dogs destroyed the fence trying to get to each other. It didn’t bother them at all that he was her father. That’s just what dogs do.

Sixty one days later, her dog was having the incest puppies outside on the ground. I came over to help my neighbor out, since neither her or her dog knew what to do. I had to pick up the puppies, still enclosed in the birth sack, break it open, clear the fluids from their noses, and then stimulate them until they began to breath on their own.

I helped out my neighbor because she’s my friend, but in the back of my mind a part of me wanted to do what my father did to unwanted puppies.... Smash them all in the head. Out of six puppies, four lived... the two were stillborn.

The puppies are now almost 6 weeks old, and all though they are cute and healthy, I can’t get past the fact that the mom and the puppies have the same father. It makes me want to vomit every time I see them. I don’t know how to get past this other than just not seeing them and hope my friend quickly gets rid of them.

I’ve read that most women serial killers, kill by using poisons. I’ll admit that I have used this method to dispose of a few unwanted things in my life, but so far no people. (One of my voices giggled when I wrote that and whispered... "I’m not going to tell you what those things are because I’m not fucking going to jail"). For me, I think If I were to kill someone, it would probably be a pedophile or someone who commits incest, and then I wouldn‘t poison them. Instead, I would inflict painful injuries to their body until they slowly bled to death or died from trauma to the head and genitals.

I struggle with thoughts like this, sometimes for days at a time. Different people that I have talked to over the years, tell me I need to move on with my life and stop thinking so much about the things that occurred in my past. That’s not easy, when good friends have friends that are registered pedophiles, they live on your block, shop in the same stores, you hear on TV or online about the horrible crimes they committed against children or their own children, you see them with other children, and I know in the back of mind what is going on. It breaks my heart, and sends me flying back in time.

The same thing happens every time I see my friends puppies. It’s like a sharp slap to my face, telling me no matter what I do, I can’t stop it from happening. That’s what hurts the most, knowing I can’t do a damn thing. It gives me that helpless feeling, and that in turn makes me angry.

I beginning to think that maybe poisoning something’s in life might not be a bad idea, if it were to give me back some of that helpless feeling that was taking away from me. The only thing that keeps me from doing anything psycho, is one of those voices in the back of my head, that is floating down a river on a inner tube, doesn’t want to come out the water, and that is the one who that carries out all my insanely psycho thoughts.

************************

I’m thinking about going on a violent killing spree,
Taking out those who have caused me only misery.

But maybe I’ll just shoot them in the knee,
Leaving an open weeping wound for all to see.

Let them go on struggling to forget every day,
Only to have the haunting memory never fade away.

Hell, Maybe I'm Just Plain Psychotic

I’ve been spending a vast amount of time doing things ‘normal’ people would never consider doing, or even having the thought cross through their mind. Most of the time, I feel very little remorse about having psycho thoughts, so when they begin, I will sometimes let them bury me in the deepest hole, or fly me to the moon. I have safely done this in the past, so at that moment, I felt I had no reason to refrain from indulging in my hunger for stimulation. I just wasn’t fully aware of where my thoughts were going to take me this time.

Even to me, there is no obvious motivation behind what I did. Maybe it was because of my desire for excitement, or I was yearning for something more than my usually boost of adrenalin that I get from speeding. I just know that I had a strong overpowering impulse to deliberately do what I did, in order to relieve the intense tension that I’ve been experiencing for the past several weeks now. I was at a point, where I was willing to do anything in order to shock my system back to some sort of ‘normal’.

I’ve just been feeling incredibly powerless to cope with all the stress in my life, and the psycho thoughts were consuming my every waking breath, so I repeatedly began seeking out means to discharge all the tension by doing various activities, including many that are illegal, but caused no harm to anyone. Each one that I attempted, failed to help me stop the burial of my mind. With no control of my impulses, I went to extreme levels, but my actions finally managed to induce the euphoria that my mind needed/craved in order to stabilize my moods.

It has been many years since I had to bulldoze that hard to get out of my depression hole, and I hope I never again have to manufacture that kind of excitement, in order to elevate a potential crisis. At the time, I couldn’t envision any way to achieve the relief my mind was seeking, so when the opportunity presented itself, it occurred without thought. The euphoria continues to linger as I think back to my actions, which has been very helpful in stabilizing the chaos in my head.

It’s Labor Day weekend, so I’m going to have a couple of mixed drinks, and stay in the safety of my asylum for the night. Tomorrow, I’m going for my long walk in the woods at the back of Lambert Park, and enjoy the freedom my mind is experiencing.

I am writing this to prove

I once lived in a world which didn't understand

nor cared enough to find out...

Hide the Keys to the Gun Case

I’m just a girl who doesn’t know who she is
Because the mind I once had, suddenly became his.

For all I really know, I might not even exist.
That’s one of the reason I sometimes cut my wrist.

If I wake up tomorrow and I don’t know who I am,
Will anyone tell me if they give a damn?

Maybe some friendly person will take pity on my soul,
And tell me all the things that will make my mind whole.

*********************
The truth is they will just let me parade around like a delusional person trying to find something I lost a long time ago.
*********************

Light Up a Smoke and Stick Around for Awhile

Today my thoughts are running around in all the wrong directions. I tossed and turned for almost 6 hours of sleep before I couldn’t stand laying in bed for another minute because of the pain in my knees. I started going to psychical therapy last week to learn new exercises to help strengthen the muscles around my knees, so I can prepare for surgery in a few more months down the line. I’m told I have to have total knee replacements if I ever want to walk without pain again. Not sure if I want to go through all that. Still, the therapy seems to be helping with some of the relentless pain.

To help take my mind away from the unbending pain, I began pondering things like, ‘What would happen if I ....” Soon the thoughts turned intrusive and bore deep into my recesses of my mind, and hung around like open sore that you keep picking at. Here is a few things my mind explored today.


I wonder what would happen if I ...

If I... Walked down a road with heavy traffic rushing by at 65mph, and I ‘stumbled’ in front of the passing cars, would the firemen come to wash away all the blood?

If I ... Found the tallest building in Tulsa and went to the roof to jump off, would anyone care enough to stop me?

If I... Picked up my hammer and smashed my computer into a thousand pieces, then threw it out into the street, would other people understand?

If I ... I saw someone wearing a bullet proof vest, could I aim for their head or crotch and still be able to kill them?

If I ...walked into the store and got an overwhelming urge to smash all the eggs on the floor, would I have to clean it up?

If I ... Swam down into the deepest water, could I make it back to the top in time?

If I... Took a baseball bat to the police station and just went crazy breaking all the windows in their new patrol cars, would I kick them in the nuts when they try to arrest me?

If I ... Burned something, could it be put back together?

If I... Interrupted Obama during one of his speeches, would I be tasered?

If I ... Stab myself, will I survive?

If I ... Stuck my hand in the garbage disposal, would it hurt?

If I ... Used an assault rifle, how many could I kill before someone stopped me?

If I ... Closed my eyes while driving, and pushed the gas pedal down a little harder, would I wreck?

If I ... Jump off a tall building, would that end the fear of me falling?

If I... Carry out one of these urges, will I find myself levitating with a extreme mood lift and accompanying euphoria?

Quote:
Others may think you are crazy,
but it is the genius inside you that is giving you those thoughts.
Let your crazy thoughts come and success will follow.

Other things I keep thinking about...

I keep thinking, “If I didn’t love them... I would put them out of their misery.”

As I stood behind a man at Wal-Mart, I thought about picking up one of the steak knives in my shopping cart and plunging it into the middle of his back because I felt he was looking at a little girl in the wrong way.

I saw a highway patrolman and couldn’t stop myself from following him into Q-trip, just so I could think about how it would be to take his life with my bare hands.


Acknowledging the darker, evil part of my human psyche... It exist within us all.

Being aware of the evil within allows me to control it, rather than merely ignoring it and letting it fester through my being to the point where it can overwhelm me when I loose control.

Once you get right deep down into the core of a persons being, we're all evil, malignant assholes who probably deserve to die.

Just how else could humanity come to sit at the top of the global food chain? Only by being the smartest, toughest, most bloodthirsty motherfuckers on this rock.

Can I control these intrusive thoughts?
Can I trust my own mind not to do something stupid?
One thing is that I am usually too damn busy or lazy to act on them, but of course if I get a day when I’m not tired, or busy... Then the world better watch out.

I’ll be alright, as long as the breaks don’t fail.

*************************
My court is tomorrow. I was hoping I could come up with enough money to pay the damn ticket before having to appear, but it looks like I'll have to make payment arraignments. Damn I hate fucking court! Too much stress. I don't do good with stress. Guess, I'll just have to come prepared.

Hey, Is Anyone Up There?

Dear God,

What ever happened to people supposedly being equal in your all seeing eyes? I mean you could've warned me about the accident. You know, a simple "Look out T old friend," would've done the trick, and made me turn my head, just in time to make a neat side step out of harms way. But oh no, you didn't did you? Instead you let it happen to me. Probably stood by, just watching as things went from bad to worse.

Have you any idea how much pain I'm in? Do you even give a damn? You might understand how I have great doubts about you even being up there, and even further doubts about how I thought I’d found you to begin with.

So once again as I endure new levels of unwanted, pain, I grit my teeth, and ask myself once again, where are you? Yes you God, during my hour of greatest need? Is it all because you feel you have a more important agenda? A list of high priority cases, perhaps? And if this be so, then does this rightfully warrant your ignorance to my anguished cries? I mean let's face it God you've hardly ever answered a single prayer since that one time.

Perhaps indeed, my problems simply appear petty in the great scheme of things? Or is it simply a fact that my good karma credit has finally expired? Just tell me the cold hard truth. And God, I suppose that's why if I'd have had a choice as egg and sperm, I would never have asked to be been born into this world. But I guess that’s a little too late now.

Just no more bad shit! Please! You know God, I just wanted to find one person who understood. I'm still searching to this day.

To tell you the truth the only reason I've written to you, is so I could find at least one person who would stop my plan. So speak to me soon. Or else I might just be happy with wherever the devil may take me.

MsPsychos Thoughts

April 4, 2008

I finally fell asleep around 5am this morning. Before finally fading off into a deep dreamless sleep, I kept thinking about when I first started having intrusive thoughts. I think it started somewhere around age 8 or 9 when I was being sexually abused. I would make my mind go somewhere else while my hands were tied above my head, and pictures were being taken with an instance camera. I would just squeeze tightly closed my blue green eyes and begin telling myself a story about whatever I could think of. Sometimes it would be about my knight in shinning armor on his white horse, riding in and slaying my father. A razor sharp sword to the middle of his back, blood squirting out in all directions, his heart sometimes on the end of the blade being held high into the air by my rescuer. Sometimes I even imaged the hand of God reaching down out of the sky, grabbing him, throwing him threw the air, smashing his body against a concert wall, or throwing his body over a cliff. I would secretly smile watching his body fall far to the earth below, smashing into the sharp, jagged rocks below, brain matter, guts, blood, squirting everywhere.

But no one ever came. No knight, no hand of God, no one. After a few years, the thoughts just became a normal process for my brain. I didn’t have to think about my reality around me, so I began enjoying the moments I could let my mind go somewhere else.

I used to keep a diary when I was around that age, writing down the stories that I had imaged while being abused, and even some of the things my father did to me. One day, someone found the little white notebook, and I became so frightened that it was my father and he would beat me, that I stopped writing anything for a while. Instead at night before I would fall asleep, I would tell myself a story until I would fall asleep. I don’t know if it was my father who found it, or someone else, but afterwards my father didn’t touch me again until around the time my younger brother was shot.

Now days, without even thinking about it, when I get stressed, my mind begins telling me stories. They work their way into the deepest parts of my brain and just mingle around like at a some big social party. The more I tell myself not to think bizarre thoughts, the more intrusive they become. I began writing down some of my stories in 2004, in hopes of being able to get the thoughts out of my mind. I think I was worst in 2004, I felt like a ticking time bomb. Writing since then has released a few demons, even though there are many more still crawling around in my brain.

I may have these MSPSYCHOS THOUGHTS, but I believe that is mostly what they are, unwanted psycho thoughts and nothing more. I have no plan, or intent to do anyone harm.

It’s going down…anywhere you meet me guaranteed its going down.

WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!! Why won’t my mind shut down? I want it to just shut the fuck up!!! I want to hear nothing. My hope is if I get all the ‘bad’ out of my head, my mind will be quiet enough to sleep. Last night I only got about 3 hours of sleep before I was awake again. It’s almost 1am and I should be really sleepy by now, but instead my mind is running full speed with a thousand memories, thoughts, and ideas. I want with all my mind, body, and soul to be able to stop thinking about all the negative things that have happened to me in my life. But I’m always seeing, smelling, hearing, or feeling something that reminds of the things that were done to me. Then the rage begins, and I want to lash out at somebody, or something just to get rid of the way I feel. If I explode in a violent way, afterwards I will have a ‘crash’ of my system, which will then make me feel ‘normal’.

It’s going down…anywhere you meet me guaranteed its going down.

Today, I cut myself.

I need to empty my mind again so here goes my ramblings, and we’ll see if it helps me to sleep a little better.

Last week I had appointments set up to once again to see a psychiatrist and a therapist. I went to Parkside (our local nut house) and saw a intake counselor to ‘evaluate’ my needs. I already knew what I needed, it was just the going through the process to get the help that I need that really sucks.

Part of getting my license back is going to intensive outpatient treatment, so I want to do that but also I know inside I need some sort of ‘intervention’ again.
After 2 hours of being asked ever question about my state of mind, the counselor set me up into the outpatient drug treatment class, which wasn’t going to cost me a dime, that’s why I decided to go there. He also set me up with a psychiatrist and therapist, one appointment after the other. The only catch was the appointments weren’t for a couple of weeks. I thought okay great, I can wait that long, because I know when I finally tell more of my secrets I’m going to feel some relief….Right?
Things never work out right for me.
The counselor told me the out-patient drug treatment could start the next week, but the problem was the only time the they held the class was from 9:00am to 12noon, and I couldn’t find a way to get there. The more I thought about it, the more I decided to just wait until the kids go back to school then I try again. The next day the therapist I was going to see calls me, and I tell her I have to wait because I don’t have transportation during the morning hours. Somehow she took that as I wasn’t going to come to any of the appointments, and she cancels both of my other appointments without telling me.
As the day nears to my appointment I’m actually feeling some sort of relief knowing that I’m soon going to be emptying my mind. The morning of my appointment I’m up early and go out to get the mail from the previous day that I forgot to get, and there’s this letter from Parkside. I’m thinking they are just confirming my appointments, but I open it and it states that my case has been closed.

WTF? So I call Parkside and ask what’s going on. The therapist that I’m supposed to see isn’t in her office, she’s gone for the day. I then ask about the appointment for the Psychiatrist and of course he is already gone for the day. I’m thinking, okay this must be fate. Or something. Every time I try to see someone it never works out. Why?
I was glad the boys were gone to the pool, but then again if they would have been there I probably wouldn’t have cut myself. I never do things like that when they are around. It was nothing serious, just enough to bring a little blood, and give me a feeling that helped to temporarily wake me up. I had to do something or I might have done something that I would have really regretted.
I need to collect my thoughts.