Secret Storm

I’m drowning, will you save me? But what if I don’t want to be saved? Will you still try to save me? Today I feel like death, but a week, two weeks from now, I may not feel this way. That is the problem with this ‘disease’. It makes the mind believe things that I wouldn’t normally believe.

Please forgive me, I know not what I do. There is just too much pain I’m going through. Every word I say may be true, so please forgive while I try to silence a voice or two.

I feel like I can’t breathe again. This new medicine I’m on has my mind twisted. It’s been 2 weeks now and I should be feeling better according those who prescribed the pills, but they forget there are the few like me that experience the opposite effects and turn suicidal and homicidal in the first few weeks. If I can convince myself to stay on the medicine for more than a month or two things should start to smooth out as my body adjust to the medicine. Then I fear it will be just like in the past, I will stop taking the medicine and will have to go through all the withdraw emotions. At my age, I don’t think I can do that again.

I don’t know why, but when I’m medicated I’m reminded of every little painful moment from my past. Memories flood my mind and stomp around stirring up so much dust, I feel like I just can’t breathe. Right now, I’m staring face to face with extreme depression, fatigue, suicidal thoughts, impulsivity, risky behavior, and complete feelings of emptiness. Pain lances throughout my body. It hurt before, but never this bad. Tears spring to my eyes for no reason at all. I don’t want to be a part of this world.

I glanced around. The woods were mostly silent, with a few birds chattering in the distance. I inhaled the clean, pine tree air and relished in the calmness of the moment. Hunting season was long over and it was too chilly for camping. I doubted anyone would stumble upon the clearing, or hear her screams for mercy.

She flinched away from my words and touch. Clenching her eyelids tighter together, the heathen’s sobs became more audible and distraught. Her body began shaking uncontrollably, most likely due to a mixture of shock and terror.

“Hush, I’m helping you.” I tried to explain. 

“I don’t want to kill you. I have to kill you. This is the task that the voices have assigned to me. I dare not refuse what they have to say.”

This will make tomorrow a clearer day to see.

Impulsive Acts

I sometimes act impulsively because it gives me immediate relief from my emotional pain.

I want to write about what happened to me on Wednesday the 7th, and say that was what caused me to dip into this out of control spiral, that I feel I have fallen into. But I’m not sure that would be the truth. I think it began several days before, but this time I just didn’t recognize the signs.   

Most of the time I come off as seemly ‘normal’. But then there are the times, especially when I’m under stress, that I can no longer hide behind my mask of sanity. I will completely lose all contact with reality, and during this time, I am unable to predict even my own behavior. I will feel rage instead of annoyance, and at other times I will turn that rage on myself.

After days of swinging back and forth on a giant swing, that holds mania at the peak and major depression going backwards, I’ve started thinking of unusually ways to regulate how I’m feeling. If I can’t regulate how I feel, I will shut down completely. At this moment, that is where I am at.

I want to cut myself deep enough that a part of me can be removed, then I can throw that part of me away, and hope something new will grow in its place. I wish it was that simple. With a effortless twist of shinny blade, all my defaults, errors, mistakes, could then be thrown into the garbage. 

Cutting

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall, Where is God when I fall?

Mirror Mirror on the wall

Where is God when I fall?

The Child Within,

Where has she been?

Living with memories of darkness and sin.

Cannot embrace that child within.

The shame it has no end.

Don’t show your face,

Stay inside and pray.

The corner is yours dark and gray.

Silence your heart

Don’t you cry!

What good would it do?

Don’t even try.

Can’t let her out.

People will see,

The scared little girl inside of me.

She wants to be loved.

She needs to feel safe.

Embrace her today along with her sorrow,

She wants to come out And play tomorrow.

AND JUST SO HE KNOWS FOR A WHILE I WASN'T ALIVE

I seek release.

Release from this bitter cold
that courses through my body,
and conquers the will of my heart .
Maybe if I take this razor to my wrists

I can cut the pain away.

I can watch the blood drip onto the floor

just so I can see myself slip away.
I can't hold the tears back

but I can cut the pain away.

Nothing is more refreshing

than one's life upon the floor.
Hold me in this bed a little longer

I can feel your fingers dig into me still.
Maybe if I take this razor to my wrists

I can cut myself away.

As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left.
Memory, memory please go away,

The little girl in me wants to play.

From here to there

And there to where?

No one really seems to care.

Circling, whirling up and down

There is the sky
But where's the ground?

Never a child

I was destined to be

only a body filled with fear you see.

Always wondering what would come next

Always watching for him to come and get me.
The gray pavement flies beneath me

I close my eyes for a second and

I see you, your face

Burned into my memory

Like a bad dream

That I can’t wake up from.

I close my mouth but there is still a taste that I can’t stand.

                                       I smile through a thousand tears

so that no one knows my aches and fears.

Consumed by great shyness

that swallows me whole

No one sees the fire burning in my soul.
I always look behind me

for I feel someone is there.

I feel his eyes all over me

but I can’t see him anywhere.

I never speak up.
I say nothing at all.

Afraid someone will notice
if I should happen to fall.

Trying to hide disappear from the crowd

feeling left out like I’m not allowed.

I can smell his anger

locked so deep inside his soul

He had to feel the power

and so, my life, he stole.

I lock everything up

where it never comes out

so no one can feel my worry and doubt.

I’m longing for the day

when I'll finally be free

so that people can see

Normal is all I want to be.

I bleed alone.

What it's like when I cut myself.

When I feel the need to cut, I'm usually very anger about something or in a situation where I can escape from what’s happening around me. It’s an intense feeling that I believe is 10 times stronger than what a ‘normal’ person would feel. It becomes such an overwhelming feeling of doom that you’ll do whatever it takes to take away that feeling. The voices from inside of me, tell me to injury myself, and the feeling will go away. I won’t have to think about why I’m angry, annoyed, or feeling like I want to throw up big chunks of food everywhere.
I run to a place where I think no one will see me, and I take out my secretly hidden sharp object.
Another voice from within shouts out, ‘What are you doing?”
I don’t answer back, because I feel shame.
My heart races, as I think about the blade being drawn across my already scarred wrist. I choose a place higher up, where others can’t see.
Voices….Voices…..Voices…Voices.
“Stop being a chicken about it…Just do it!!”
I think to myself why do I feel this way. And why won’t it stop. I have to make it stop. I can’t take the way I feel. I want to feel something else. Pain; that will take me to a place that is more comfortable.
I’m not sure if I believe in heaven, but I sure can give you a tour of hell.
I look intently at my cutting area, knowing I’m about to feel intense pain. I really don’t like feeling the pain, but it brings me back to reality. My heart races as I hold the blade with intense pressure against my skin.
“Just close your eyes and quickly draw the blade across your skin. Do it now and quit being a fucking chicken.”
I take several deeps breathes…Is this really what I want to do?
“Just make the feeling stop!”
“You don’t have to injury yourself”
“Do it now! You won’t have to feel the pain of feeling like you have no control!”
“You are a worthless piece of shit, and will always be a drain on society.”
Blood is already starting to appear from where you are holding the blade so firmly against your exposed body.
Deep breath.
'Quickly now!!!!!!'
A rush of adrenaline surges throughout your body, making you to take several deep breathes.
Quickly the blade goes across your flesh, and the skin lays open. Blood flows. But more important is the feeling. It’s like experiencing your very first breath. Your heart is racing. You feel alive. You have control. A sigh of relief. Knowing the feeling is going to quickly fade, you close your eyes and enjoy the brief moment of feeling alive.
Your anger disappears, and is replaced with the feeling your are more familiar with, and can understand. This wound you know how to heal. You open your eyes to see how bad the damage is this time.
A far away voices screams, “Shit!!! Look what you have done!!”
“What are you going to tell people?”
You grab the washrag you have sitting on the counter waiting to absorb the blood before it falls to the floor. You hold it there catching the blood, only removing it to see how bad your ‘accident’ looks. That’s what you’re going to tell people if they find out…I accidentally cut myself when…..I’ll think about it later.
That’s why I did it in a secret place, where no one will see but me. It will be another one of my secrets.