Bitch Please! Get Down on Your Mother Fucking Knees!

Bitch please!
Get down on your motherfucking knees!

At any other time those words might mean I'm about to have a little fun...lol.  But not this time.


Waiting. I was never the patience type. Especially when it comes to possible bad news. It stresses me thinking about all the most horrible outcomes.

Might want to duck when I drive through town.
Yeah I’m about to act like a clown.
Doing a drive by
Playing tag with Satan.

Don’t give me no shit.
I’m gonna get’re done and split. 


It’s been a really rough in the past 30 days. I thought about going on that shooting spree only about 10 times or so. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being punched in the gut...just wish I could get it to stop.

It all started with my dryer going out. Okay. No big deal. I’ve got a little extra money saved just in case something goes wrong with ... Life. Three hundred dollars, and same day delivery, I had a good, but used dryer.

The next Friday, I had plans to take my 05 Equinox into the shop for some routine maintenance on the fluids. When I get there I tell the service guy that I’ve also been having problems with my air conditioner not working correctly. Never mention things like that unless you’ve got more money!

The air conditioner has a bad leak and needs to be replace. Good news is the repairs are covered under my extended warranty I purchased. They covered around one thousand dollars, and I was left with around a two hundred and eighty dollar bill, which included a forty dollar oil change. Just breathe, I remind myself.

A week later, I’m driving around town and I notice my car is not acting right. I stop at Wal-Mart and I shut my car off, get out, and I can still hear a fan or something under the hood running. I re-start my car and the noise stops. Okay. No problem, but it sets my mind running a thousand different scenarios on what the problem could possible be. I go inside to do my weekly shopping, come back out and the car starts with no noise, no sensors on, so I drive back home safely.

A couple days later I have to pick up a few forgotten items from the last trip, so off to Wal-Mart I go again. My Suv is fine on the drive there, but on the way back, I can hear that strange sound again coming from under my hood as I head the mile or so back up the highway. As I near the main light in town, I see the turn lane signal turning red and I begin braking more. My car suddenly begins cutting out, so I quickly jump back into the straight lane and keep going straight so I can go the back way to my house without possibly breaking down in the middle of the highway. I make it to the next exit and get off the main highway. As I near the stop my car begins to cut out again, so I pause and after making sure if was clear, I quickly turn towards my place. I round the corner and I see my check engine light come on. FUCK!

As my world spins out of control, I get dizzy.

I quickly pull over and my car dies the second I come to a complete stop. I turn the car off and begin searching for my phone. I can hear the fan running as it tries to cool off the engine. My friend is gone into Tulsa, my son is at work, and the extra car at my house is in need of some serious repairs before it can be driven. I call my son back, who works just up the road at our Wal-Mart, and he finally manages to talk his supervisor into letting him take a early break so he could come help me.

Almost 20 minutes had passed, and the noise that it was making had stopped after about 5 minutes of running, so I decide to try starting my car. It sounded like it was running normally, and since I was less than a mile from my house, I decided to chance driving the short distance. Half way there I come up to one more stop. Just as I’m about to stop, the gauge that shows my car was overheating came on, and so did that noise. I only had 5 blocks to go, so I took the chance and rounded the corner. I was speeding a little as I passed a local officer on patrol, but thankfully he looked the other way and didn’t really feel like fucking with me. (Thank you!) I was already stressed enough. Along with having low blood sugar at the point, it might not have been a good day for either of us.

I get home and call my tow service to tell them about the problem. A few hours later a wrecker shows up and tows my car back to the dealership for repairs. I hoping whatever is wrong, it will again be covered under my extended warranty. Fingers crossed! Late the next day, I hear good news...sorta. My thermostat is out and needs replaced, but it’s covered under warranty. They replace the thermostat and take it for a test drive. A few hours later, I’m expecting the call that my car is ready and I’ll only have to pay the $100 deductible. NO! I also have a plugged radiator. It’s plug supposedly because the fluids needed change.

Remember to breathe, I have to repeatedly remind myself. Repair bill $980 fucking dollars. Breathe! Repairs are done the next day. I drive away with the radio at more than half volume.

It’s about 12 miles going south, straight down highway 75, and then another mile and I’m home. Barely! The car is overheating again and I’m just able to make to my driveway. I call the dealership and they apologize over and over before sending a tow truck back to pick up the vehicle again!

“He fucking hates me!”

(Hold on, let me get my head right. Deep, deep breath.)

Later that afternoon, my 18 year-old son begins telling me he has to have one hundred and thirty dollars for football speed and strength camp. He had the sign-up paper for weeks, but had forgot to let me know so I could plan for the expense. The money had to be turned in the next day or the price would go up another fifty dollars! Okay. It’s going to be a little tight for a while, but I’ll do alright.

To no one in particular... FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU!

At this point, I’m ready to explode. It’s the weekend, so why not do a little drinking to help me unwind!  Late that evening, around 9:30pm, I fix one drink, but I am barely able to finish it because my stomach which was already doing flip flops, now begins to turn sideways. I stop drinking. Around 1am,  I slowly made my way into the comfort of my dark bedroom. My stomach continues to make strange noises as I attempt to sleep. Around 3 am, I finally drift off into a deep sleep, but only 20 minutes into my slumber, my stomach decides it can no longer handle the tossing of fluids around inside my gut.

I’m thinking to myself as I’m rushing to the bathroom, holding in my cheeks the disgusting liquid that has filled my throat to it’s maximum, that there is no way I drank enough to make myself sick. Violently the contents of my stomach explode into the toilet until I felt I could no longer breathe. The vile taste in my mouth remained as I slowly made my way back to bed for what I was hoping would be the end of a horrible day.

I took a few sips of water from a bottle that sat on my side table and laid back down to rest. Within 30 seconds after the water hit my stomach, I was rocked with a wave of nausea and knew it was not going to remain in my stomach. I jumped up quickly, afraid that I wasn’t going to make it on time. On my second step, I turned a little hard on my bad left knee. I heard a loud pop and then a crunching sound, followed by extreme pain.(I broke a couple bones in my knee and tore my ACL a little more.)

ReMembEr to breAthe!! Pain is rocking my body, as vile chunks of liquid seek an escape from my body. Death would be a very welcomed visitor at this point. I’m begging for it to end!

The rest of the night I continue to throw-up until I’m only puking that yellow bile, nasty, yuck stuff. I try drinking water because I feel and look dehydrated, but I can‘t hold anything down. I’m just glad I had a large trashcan beside my bed.

The next morning I’m awaken by the dealership calling about my car and they tell me they flushed the lines and refilled the antifreeze. No charge. About time for some good news. But I’m still sick and I can’t seem to wake myself up. I send a friend and my son to go pick the car up. He tells me it drove fine on the way back. Okay. Good! Now I’m going back sleep because my body feels like I’ve been run over and smashed with heavy machinery.

I sleep the entire day on Saturday. I can’t seem to make myself wake up. I can’t eat. I can’t drink anything. So I lay there drifting in and out until around 10 am on Sunday. I’m beginning to feel a little better, so I attempt to drink a small amount of water. By the end of the day, I managed to hold down one bottle of water, but I have no energy. I haven’t ate in two days and I’m scared to eat. 

By Wednesday, I’m feeling well enough to make a trip back out to the store,  even though I can barely walk and I still hadn’t gained all my strength back. I go drive the 2 miles to Wal-Wart and then swing around another mile to my pharmacy to pick up some meds. As I’m waiting for them to run my insurance through on some meds, I hear that sound of the fan running again. Five minutes later I pull away and the sound continues. I quickly return the finally mile back to my house and pull in the driveway just as the check engine light comes on.

Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! The song lyrics repeatedly splashed across my thoughts.

It was too late for them to check the car, so it had to wait until the next day to be looked at. They call me around noon  last  Friday and tell me the head gasket maybe bad and it’s going to cost around $1000 dollars in repairs, but first they have to send the part off to another shop and it will be at least until the following Tuesday before they will know the total cost.

Breathe! Fuck breathing!  I want to choke a motherfucker!

Maybe I shouldn’t let’em know what I think.
But they need to find the bodies before they begin to stink.

Today they finally called me back and gave me the news that the repairs cost around $2000 dollars at this point because the head is warped and the gaskets need to be replaced. The only good news is the repairs MIGHT be covered by my warranty, but they won’t know until tomorrow. 

I need a little more of what’s right and little less of what’s left.

After all these problem, I decided to do a little research online about my 05 Equinox. Apparently a lot of people have had the same problem with their SUV’s, and believe it maybe a defect with the vehicle. Seems like to me GM is aware of these problems with the Equinox but they refuse to do anything about the problem. Hmmm.

I have now forgot how to breathe!
Loose cannon, going bi-polar.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a video game, and some motherfucker is getting his jollies by seeing how far he can push me before I snap. I can fully envision how easy it would be to go on a killing spree, removing from society those who have fucked with me.  


To get rid of some of the stress, earlier I decided to clean out the garage. I'm moving things around, dragging my bad leg with me, sweeping down cobwebs from spiders that probably died years ago, re-stacking my stored Christmas decorations, until I'm starting to get a little warm. I turn on the stero in the garage and start moving some 70 pound steel hand weights up against a wall. I put the larger ones on bottom and then I go to stack a 30 pound weight on top. I'm doing this rather quickly, trying to work up a good sweat, so I'm not really paying attention and I smash the tip my left ring finger in between the 70 and 30 pound weight.


Pain surges through my body. The tip of my finger instantly turns a dark shade and blood pools under my nail. Fuck! is the only word that escapes my mouth. Over and over I repeat the word. Sweat forms on my forehead. I hold my breath.

Breathe... Sometimes I want to forget how to breathe in the air necessary for life.
Slowly let myself fade away until no one knows I ever existed.
Today is one of those days.


Wish I could rewind this month.

I know they think I’m the one.
And I’m sorry, but what I’ve done can’t be undone.

I wish their were no rules
So I would have nothing to lose.

I'm Corrupt

Corrupt

C - cannot follow law
O - obligations ignored
R - remorselessness
R - recklessness
U - underhandedness
P - planning deficit
T - temper


Take all the right actions, use all the right words and get by without any suspicion. It’s a quaint philosophy; fake it till you make it, and no one will be the wiser.

I see all these people hiding from reality, but I understand how vulnerable they truly are. In a way, I guess we’re all running away from something or someone, aren’t we? I figure it’s time I turned around and stopped running, and run head first into whatever I’m convinced is chasing me. Whatever it is, it knows my name and that’s probably what terrifies me the most.

Someone once called me ‘infamous’ and that stuck more in my mind, than what I was infamous for. I never really did anything worth talking about on the news, but I have had my briefs moments when things just weren’t as clear in my mind as they should have been.

I can’t really measure my sanity by any means; it’s been slipping away for years now. Each day I find myself falling deeper into the dark abyss, unable to grab hold of any dangling rope that might be offered. Even if it was offered, I’m not sure I would reach out to take it, someone would have to tie it around my body and yank me from the freezing darkness.

Total complete boredom has set in, so to make things interesting, I lie. I lie about everything, to anybody who will listen, but I mostly lie to myself. Making believe everything is okay, and somehow, someway, this is all just a bad dream that I will eventually awake from. I just have to find a way to keep my dark inner world from seeping out and infecting my outer world.

Walking Through a Wet Tunnel

I want to do something insane like: robbing a bank; stealing everything from someone else’s house; breaking into a store and looting everything I see, even if its something I don’t really want or need, I just want to take it anyway, and try to make it mine.

I want to end my life by driving my car into a head on collision with some unknown victim, knowing I will be punishing them for some past crime that they committed. Maybe a good confrontation with law enforcement will send my senses in another direction. Maybe I'll go on a violent rampage.

I want to cut my arm in one hundred different places, just to watch the blood drip down from my arm, so I will know that I am alive. I want to run butt ass naked through the sprinklers in front of the fire department, fat fully exposed, boobs flapping in the wind, then be able to snap my fingers and disappear to another time and place.

I stare incoherently at the computer screen before me, suddenly realizing I’ve read the above paragraphs a dozen time trying to figure out its meaning. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel so lost. I can’t concentrate, and my body feels alien to me. I want this feeling to go away...NOW!

I feel highly sensitive to taste, smell, but mostly touch. I don’t want to feel anything on my skin. I feel the need to have the outer layers removed, discarded like old trash. New flesh, replacing the old and worn out.

I can feel: every foreign thread in my underwear; every single whisper of hair heavily brushing against the back of my neck; the breathing of air moving in and out of my nasal passageway. I feel the freshly washed white tee-shirt caressing my soft nipples; the blood flowing through my veins, in a steady rush to get somewhere.

I walk with eyes lowered, not wanting to see the flawed world around me. Dressing in black, to appear as a shadow, hoping the world for one day won’t see me.

I don’t want to be touched. It sets off too many emotions, feelings I don’t want to experience. It makes me feel ill today.

Should I listen to the voices and do as they instruct? I haven’t slept in over 37 hours and counting.

What more is expected of me? I’ve done all I can, and things seem to be only getting worse. When do they get better? Deep down inside, I know they don’t like me.

Lights...there are too many. It’s too bright outside, inside I want the lights down low.

Strong odors invade my entire being, clinging to every hair follicle.

Too much clutter! Things are out of place, just have too much stuff.

Can’t seem to unwind. Moods jumping and rapidly changing from minute to minute.

Want to leave all this stimuli behind. Got to leave, got to run, just need to get away from it all.

Lifeless Breeze

Today has been dull. I did a little cleaning around the house, then cleaned out the pool, took a long swim, and then laid around doing nothing else.

I keep thinking of a thousand things to say when I’m in the shower, or in the pool cooling off, but then I get on the computer and my mind goes blank. I guess that’s what happens when you quit smoking weed. I stop again, only because I can’t afford any, so I might do a little drinking this weekend.

Thursday around noon, I’m going to Keystone Lake with a few friends and family. I don’t really need to get out in the sun any more, because I got a little sun brunt today, but it should still be fun anyway. Just got to wear some sun screen on my white ass...hehe. Lol.

I’ve been having crazy thoughts running all around in my little circles, trying to find a place called home. Don’t know if those kind of thoughts will ever cease. I went out driving the other night, around and around, until even I got bored. I’ve just got to find a new way to relax my mind.

That tingling on your cheek;
The itch on your scalp;
The goose bumps on your body;
The cold breeze around you;

Feel the tingle;
Scratch the itch;
Touch your skin;
Inhale the fresh air.

Once Again, Hell is my Home

Blame it on the heat, or my fucked up mind, but if I would have had my gun today, right now outside there would be several cars with their lights on. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I can’t stand being around certain people, without feeling the need to hurt them. I’ve gone on so many walks trying to gain a different perspective, which has helped some, anyway no one is dead yet. But now I’m having a lot of pain in my knees again, so long walks to relieve the stress will have to put on hold for a little while. For now, I guess it’s back to sitting on my ass, writing again and gaining back all the weight I’ve lost. FUCK!

I guess I will forever be the bad guy (girl).

Once again, hell is my home.

I am a poet of the body and soul;
Just trying to make my mind whole.

I got lost on the journey to find myself;
Like a forgotten book on a shelf.

The pleasures of heaven I write for temptation;
And the pains of hell are my private communication.

Vulgar and rude are prevalent to my writing;
This is why MsPsycho is so enticing.

A tempting snack specifically designed,
To help the mind leisurely unwind.

Push it hard, and run it deep;
Are wonderful words that help us sleep.

But don’t get to close to me,
Because all you’ll ever feel is misery.

There’s always a creature lurking in the distance,
Trying to end my miserable existence.

Let me feel the heat of your breath on my skin;
So I can feel alive once again.

Swirl your tongue around through my mouth,
Rinse it around and spit it out.

Cease my breathing and close my eyes,
So that I might once again unfurl my wings and learn to fly.



Just don’t let me get me;
For sometimes I just can’t see.

Life is a rollercoaster ride.... So ride that son-of-bitch until you puke!!
Go ahead... Piss me off... Blood looks stunning on white carpet!
Let’s cut our wrist and then burn down something.
Dreams come true, but so do nightmares.

Get the Fuck away from here

Tomorrow I'm taking the boys to River City Park again. They had so much fun the other day that I've decided to let them spend another day enjoying the last day of their Spring Break there. It gives me a chance to relax and clear my mind. I've got too many thoughts running around in there.

I'm ashamed to admitt it...and I'll probably regret posting about it...but I've been fighting the urge to cut myself again. Instead, I've been doing other dumb ass shit to wake up my mind. I hate it when I go there. I've got enough fucking scars!! And I damn straight don't want to spend any time in jail.

Don't want to think about crazy shit!!
Let me instead dull my mind,
without the worry of being found out.


Few last thoughts...


I am battered and bruised.
Tore up.
I'm limping along, licking my wounds.
Putting myself back together
And smoothing down the frayed ends.
Taking stock and inventory,
accessing the damage.
Mentally reprimanding myself
for always needing the rush
of going beyond what's expected.

Why do you make me bleed?

Come here and physically drag me out of this horror and the tragedy to come, if you can. I need to be pushed down on my knees and have the gun held to my head. Otherwise I’ll just stay here - entirely passive, too tired to be aggressive - and continue to just sit, letting my life rot away on my king sized bed, within my comfortable walls shrouded in total darkness. The flickering images of fear, terror, desperation and destruction is beamed onto my face, yet I’ll still feel nothing.

I’m not proud to be crunching absentmindedly on nachos and washing away the feelings by slurping from this sweet and bitter bottle of soco & lime. My stomach feels sickened by drinking so much. Will you kiss it and make things all better? Will you do something to make the pain go away? Maybe warm words will suffice. Will you tell me that you’re sorry for my suffering?

I’m appalled. Disturbed. Shocked. Angered. So don’t expect me to move or be moved. Don’t count on me to do anything beyond letting my jaw drop open slightly and my eyes to widen. Instead, I’ll attempt to absolve myself from my crimes. If we ever meet in some alternative reality where the world has been molded into the long awaited melting pot of peace and love, I’ll ask you whether you’ll be able to forgive me.

Will you pardon me for the fact that I couldn’t even be bothered to walk by or come over and kick you in the stomach? But instead I simply sat, stared, munched, and drank? I nurse a mind that’s entirely blank. As blank as this screen will be, when I press standby and switch myself off.

Is that the time? It’s long past the hour for untroubled sleep.

The great art of life is sensation, to feel that we exist, even in pain

Today has been one fucked up day. It’s the middle of March and we had snow and sleet. Guess I should be use to it, since I live in Oklahoma, but it just throws a bone in your throat sideways. Instead of going shopping in the cold mess, I stayed home and did nothing but catch up on some reading. For the most part, my day was totally uneventful...completely boring to be more precise.

I wouldn’t even be writing anything if it wasn’t for the little incident that happened around 6pm. I was doing a little cleaning up, dusting, changing the sheets on my bed, straighten things up...you know the usually stuff. I placed all my pillows onto the floor near my nightstand, that had a lit candle sitting on top. I checked and thought it was all clear, but a corner of one pillow got to close to the flame and quickly ignited. I was in the hallway getting out clean pillowcases and sheets, when I smelled something burning. I quickly followed the smell into my bedroom and saw the pillow on fire.

Thinking as quick as I could, I grab the flaming pillow and rush it to my bathroom. As I’m carrying it towards the bathroom, parts of the inside of the pillow (I made them a few years ago, using old seat cushions, and cutting them into small ½ inch squares) start falling everywhere. Small balls of fire are spread all across my bed, my dresser, the floor...and I’m freaking out. I start screaming FIRE!! at the top of my lungs until my son and friend comes running into my bedroom.

They grab buckets of water, stomp it with their feet and hands, but the flames are spreading everywhere. I see my purse catching on fire, and yell to my friend to grab my purse. He reaches for it real quick and throws it towards we, still on fire! I put it out and grab a few other things and put them out with my hands. I don’t know how but after about 10 minutes we finally get the fire under control without having to call the fire department.

Most of the damage was contained to the area around my bed. Still, it burnt all my mattresses on one side, burnt my camera case, 2 purses, a pair of house slippers, several writing notebooks, part of the wall is now black, and the carpet is destroyed in that area. Plus everything is now soaking wet. I guess I should feel lucky...with all my writing, books and other things in that area, it could have been a lot worse.

I’ve got burns on my right hand and a couple small spots on my face, but nothing serious. It probably fucked up my breathing worse than anything. I’m still coughing up black crap. It’ll take a few days to get everything cleaned up, and a few hundred dollars to take care of the damage. I’m still a little shaken up by seeing the flames so high. I’m probably going to be awake for most of the night, worrying about if it might try to re-light. Tomorrow has got to be a better day!!! Wait...it’s Friday the 13....maybe I should just stay home.

The only good thing about what happened, was the adrenaline rush I got...sure helps with this crazy ass depression. But I have a feeling it won’t last very long, and the crash will soon follow.


Dark demons in my dreams,
turn my laughter into screams.
What was good now is bad,
damn these demons get me mad.
I wish there was a way to fight,
but these demons come back every night.

The Ride is Over

I’m moving out of the manic phase into the worst parts of my OCD, with a little extra depression thrown in there just to keep things interesting. Here is a site that explains my OCD better than I can.... http://westsuffolkpsych.homestead.com/Violent_Obsessions.html I think I’ve posted the link before...I don’t really remember. My problem is very similar, but with a slight twist, and I haven’t figured out a way to handle the ‘thoughts’ yet. I just don’t fucking understand why my mind and body has to respond in this way. I’m not doing anything different than I was just a few days ago, but it’s like overnight my moods all changed without warning. My hours of sleep have increased to 9 hours now, but I feel like I want to sleep even more. I’m forcing myself to get out of bed, forcing myself for the past 3 hours to write this down, forcing myself to push through feeling all these voices in the back of my head, run around to the front and out the opening in the front of my face. I have to force myself to be. FUCK!


Feeling closed off from the rest of the world.

Everyone has got to be looking at me like I’m crazy.
I’m trying not to listen to voices around me, but they are all talking so loud.

What really sucks is if the pattern stays the same, the manic feelings leave my body, next comes the OCD, and then for God only fucking knows why, the depression sets in for a long stay.

Hold onto something, this is going to be a bumpy ride.

My Day

Finally made it to Chandler Park today around 12:30 with a friend who had never been there, even though she has lived around Tulsa most of her life. We took several pictures, and then I drove the back way to the other park where my purse was taken.

On the way there, we saw a motorcycle accident near Q-Trip and the underpass. A guy ran his SUV into the back of the motorcycle, causing his bummper to really get fucked up. I was really shocked that no one got hurt.

We then drove through the park and I looked in a few trashcans, but I didn't have any luck finding my purse. There were only a couple things in my bag that I really would like to have back, some things I'll just replace, and the rest oh well... what can you do?

My friend and I both took several pictures at Chandler Park ...so I'll post a couple...just click on them if you want to see a larger view.

I started out with nothing and still have most of it left

Wow! Its been a long day. I got up at 8:30am because my son calls and says he over slept and needs a ride to school. By the time I get back to my house, it’s past 9am, so I figure I might as well stay up, five hours of sleep is enough for the state I’m in right now. I shower, eat a Egg Mc Muffin, throw back some French vanilla coffee, pop a few pills and I’m out the door for the rest of the day.

I didn’t go to Chandler Park like I planned, instead I ran a few errands, and then went to the library to get a few books to inspire my thinking in a more positive way. Afterwards I spent time walking around at the parks in our small, everybody knows you busy, kind of town. I felt a little uncomfortable knowing Mr. RR was on duty. Asshole!! (Yeah I like you as much as you like me.) Anyway, I felt uncomfortable every time a car came near to where I was parked, so I never really got to relax, like I can when I go out of town. So, I think tomorrow I’ll go to Chandler Park for lunch and walk around for a little while. Maybe I can relax there.

One thing I didn’t do today, was go to court. No, I didn’t fuck off going, I just did some cock sucking and got enough money to pay the damn thing. $230 fucking dollars!!! ...and I’m not sure if has helped any to remind me to s l o w the hell down. When I’m manic I tend to do a lot of reckless things, mostly because I just don’t think. Or maybe my mind is over thinking. I usually have 5 or 6 voices talking in my head, so that makes it a little difficult to concentrate on one specific thing. It’s kinda funny. I’m always by myself, with no traffic around, when I tend to speed. If there are other cars around, I’m a lot more careful, guess that’s why I’ve never had a wreck since I first started driving.

After visiting all three of the bigger parks in town, I headed home, cooked a little dinner, and then headed out for a night at the Casino off of 81st and Riverside in Tulsa. A friend that owed me a little money for a favor or two, split what she had with me, and we spent the next several hours playing different games. I was smart enough this time that I cashed out each time I reached around $20 dollars, so in the end I brought home what she gave me...which was nice.

It’s now past 1am, and I’m still a little hyper, so much so that I feel like doing some touch-up painting on my kitchen cabinets again. I told myself to wait until this week-end, and instead write down my day. Pretty normal this time, at least. I think the key sometimes, is just to stay busy.

What is the meaning of life?
To be happy and useful, knowing that you lived every bit of it the way you wanted.

Here are some pictures that I took at the River Park yesterday...beautiful!!! I plan on going back again soon. Just click on any picture to enlarge it if you want.

Can I Swim in the Ocean While I Write Poetry?

It’s past 3am and I still can’t seem to relax, so I’ll turn to the only thing that seems to quiet my mind...writing. My mind has been having so many killer thoughts, that some of the stories running through my mind even frighten me a little. But I can’t slow down...I’m full of endless energy at the moment. It’s way better than that shithole depression cycle that I’ve been in, but that also means my mind has ten thousand things going on at the same time, making it almost impossible to finish one thing before I’m ready to do something else.

I averaged around 6 hours sleep yesterday, and around the same last night, and surprisingly I’m not sleepy at all. Today I got ready and did some spending at the grocery store, and spent more than what I should have, but I just felt the need to get things. It probably didn’t help out with this manic phase I’m going though, by drinking too much coffee this morning around 9am, skipping breakfast and lunch because I took a phentermine, low blood sugar, had an encounter with a highway patrol officer...nice conversation...lol, not much sleep, and then throw in the mania....WOW!!! Talk about high-strung.

I’m also thinking about my court date...it’s this fucking Thursday!!! Good thing I looked today, I thought it wasn’t until later in the month. I’ll probably wait until that day to decide if I’m going to court, or just pay the damn thing. It was my faulty ass brain, not thinking clearly, as the reason why I got the damn ticket.

It’s now way past 3 am and I’m still up flipping through the dictionary and surfing online to find the words that describes EXACTLY how I feel. Can I run away just to see if anyone cares? I just have all this unbridled mania and I don’t know what to do with it. I’ve tried finding things to occupy my mind and take me away from the intrusive thoughts, but nothing seems to be working tonight. It’s just sometimes I’m so afraid of failing that I don’t even want to try.

Enough psycho thoughts for the night, maybe I’ll go lay down and stare at the ceiling for the next few hours.

My mind occasionally drifts away into little fantasies of what life would be like had I pulled the trigger on him that day.

Scars are like tattoos...but with better stories.

It always rains the hardest, on the people who deserve the sun.

The stars will cry the blackest tears tonight.

I’m going to smile like nothings wrong.


Suicide is a cry for help ... a last ditch attempt to communicate from a private hell.

Death Angel

I once knew a lady named
Misery
she lived in a damaged world
she calls to me in transparent dreams

a lonely star
outside
the closed universe

she was my twisted soul

long ago
she experienced
the darkest of
pain

beauty was something
she could not
believe

I once knew an angel named
Evil
she traveled like a
ghost into the shadows

her heart was dying for some form of
life

all seems balanced
now
the angel burns to
die

Alone

This is a poem I wrote back in high school... many of the feelings still hold true.

I get a funny feeling,
it comes from deep inside.
I get all mad and angry,
wanting to go and hide.

My doctor calls it depression,
my dad says it's just me.
But the thoughts and feelings,
no one will ever be able to see.

Some say I'm psycho,
some say I'm just weird.
It's like I'm a different person,
and the old me just disappeared.

I get really edgy,
I want to commit suicide real bad.
Then I get a headache,
followed by feeling sad.

I wish I could get help,
I wish it would go away.
Maybe if I keep praying real hard,
it will some day.

Life...Look at it and really see it...live it...and never give it back.

Few things I’ve learned...


I've learned that you can get by on charm for about 15 minutes. After that, you'd better know something.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones to help you get back up.

I've learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned that writing can ease emotional pains.

I've learned that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.

I've learned that learning to forgive takes practice.


****************

When you look back on your life, will you regret the things you didn’t do more than the ones you did?

Life...Look at it and really see it...live it...and never give it back.

I stopped fighting my inner demons we’re on the same side now.

I don’t care what they say,
so what if I’m a little bit crazy.
All alone in the rain.
I’m going under.

Sometimes I feel so frozen.
Trying not to hear what they are saying,
But they are talking so loud.

Everyone around me thinks I’m going crazy.
It’s draining all of me.
But I just don’t care what they say.

I can take a lot of pain.
All I have to do is laugh a little too loud.

I never meant to cause any problems.
I only want to be seen laughing in the rain.
I’ve had enough.
I’m letting myself go.

Can You Dance Underwater and Not Get Wet?

Can you dance underwater and not get wet?

Manic Thoughts

I've been struggling with an illness,
At least that's what I'm told.
It seems that no one can agree,
And I'm just getting old.

It's only supposed to matter
How I really feel, they've said.
But somehow without a label
I'm lost inside my head.

I guess I'll keep on trudging
And dutifully swallowing the pills.
Until somehow they find a "cure"
For whatever are my ills.

Where does one call truce
in the battle with the mind,
forever tweaking medicines
to improve the
quality of life?

When does one settle
for a shell of a former "you,"
and stop striving to improve the
quality of life?

I raise the white flag
of surrender.
I am so tired...

Dark, cold, black, tranquil….

It calls to me like an old friend.

The darkness should frighten me…

Run, flee, far away from the evil one.

My legs are filled with lead.

I remain, knowing what is ahead.

Too weak to fight,

Relinquishment.

Finally, it comes.

Tender arms engulfing me,

Floating, no pain.

No light.

No sound.

Nothingness.

Peace…….at last.

If you're overly excited, You're happy;

If I'm overly excited, I'm manic.

If you imagine the phone is ringing, You're stressed out;

If I'm imaging the phone is ringing, I'm psychotic.

If you're crying and sleeping all day, You're sad and need time out;

If I'm crying and sleeping all day, I'm depressed and need to get up.

If you're afraid to leave your house at night, You're cautious;

If I'm afraid to leave my house at night, I'm paranoid.

If you speak your mind and express any opinions, You're assertive;

If I speak my mind and express my opinions, I'm aggressive.

If you don't like something and mention it, You're being honest;

If I don't like something and mention it, I'm being difficult.

If you get angry, You're considered upset;

If I get angry, I'm considered dangerous.

If you over re-act to something, You're sensitive;

If I over re-act to something, I'm out of control.

If you don't want to be around others,

You're taking care of yourself and relaxing;

If I don't want to be around others,

I'm isolating myself and avoiding.

If you talk to strangers, You're being friendly;

If I talk to strangers, I'm being inappropriate.

For all of the above, you're not told to take a pill or be put in the hospital;

But I am.

Today is a New Day

Today is a New Day

I will start it like it is my very last day.

Days are number

Not many left.

Grab what you can and run.

Just leave a trail

So they will know you were there.

Vicious, vulgar language

The branches of my path
Are like shattered glass.
Tiptoeing through the grass
Trying not to think about my past.