Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Pain Drives Me

Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind and sadly still lingers hours later. After the accident I can’t help but think if it wasn’t for me, my son would be better off. He would still have his car, I wouldn’t have to face going to court on yet another charge... Failure to yield. How many more times in my life must I be punished?

Most people who have suicidal tendencies, usually always have a suicide plan. A way out when all else fails. The finally option. I’ve had a plan since the first day I began thinking about taking my life at the young age of 12. Over the years, the plan has changed and become more sophisticated and thought out down to the final details of what should be done with my body. I don’t think I want to be buried the traditional way of a body being placed in a casket, instead I want to be cremated. I look at it this way, I don’t want others to ever have to bear the weight that I have carried throughout my life.

Sometimes it feels like each years that passes, my life only gets worse, and I can’t imagine living like this for 40 more years. I think about jumping in front of a semi-truck, swimming down to the bottom of the deepest water until there is no possible way to make it back to the top alive, taking too many pills, cutting a little too deep, etc. And as the finally resort, letting law enforcement do what I am a failure at doing, ending my years of misery.

But then suddenly out the blue things change, and you want to live. You have all these wonderful plans on how things are going to work out one day. All I have to do is distract myself long enough to climb out of the fucking mud. It’s not easy when the mud is clinging to every pore in my body, and there just doesn’t seem to be enough water in the world to wash it all away. Still, I keep trying, wishing there was an alternative to committing suicide, but at times I just can’t see one. I just have these wavering, mixed feelings about death, that I sometimes have a hard time understanding.

My court is tomorrow in Sand Springs, so I probably won’t be sleeping much tonight. I just hope everything rides along without any glitches...lol.


Please, Please.... if you are having serious thoughts of suicide and need help, contact a friend, email me (fukitsacoldworld@yahoo.com), take a walk, or call one of the numbers below, before you do anything. I've lived with suicide thoughts for over 30 years, and so can you. You don't have to die. There are alternatives, other distractions, that will keep you from making a decision that you can't reverse.

Suicide hotlines to call for help:
If you or someone you care about is suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).
These toll-free crisis hotlines offer 24-hour suicide prevention and support. Your call is free and confidential.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Totaled My Son's First Car

When I was a teen living out on my own, I would occasionally drive after I had been drinking or doing drugs, and throughout the years, off and on, I would drive after I had a become legally impaired. But never once did I ever have an accident, not even a close call. I wish to believe no matter what, I’m a safe driver, even though my driving record doesn’t reflect that. Today was totally different... Or maybe more unexpected. I wasn’t drinking, doing drugs, smoking marijuana, or under the influence of anything, I was just momentarily distracted.

I was coming home from my oldest son graduation, proud that my son was able to accomplish what many of my friends and family haven’t been able to do. We were talking about what we were going to do for the rest of the evening after we got home, and some future plans. We were within a couple miles from the house, heading down highway 75, when I looked in the rearview mirror at someone behind me. When I looked back in front, the traffic had come to a complete stop. I hit my brakes and quickly looked to the other lane to see if I could get over, but there was a car in that lane, so I had no other choice but to hit the brakes harder and hope I would stop in time. Unfortunately, I couldn’t stop in time.

It was like a bad dream. The airbags deployed, hitting me hard in the face, chest, and arms. I remember trying to stand, but I felt too much pain in my knees and the rest of my body, so I just sat there until help arrived. For some reason, there are parts of what happened that I have apparently blocked out, because I didn’t remember how I got my seatbelt off until someone told me they took it off. I also don’t recall the fire trucks and the police arriving on the scene.

The officers, ambulance personal, and everyone else who help were really nice. I probably should have went to the hospital and got checked out, but it’s my sons graduation, so I didn’t want to spend hours at the ER. Besides, I think I’m just going to be really sore for a few days. More parts of my body are starting to hurt as time passes. The bruises look really bad and I hurt across most of my body, but the thing that hurts the most is knowing that I destroyed my son’s first car. I’m not sure If I’ll ever forgive myself for that. I was really thankful that everyone else in the car with me was okay, and the young guys that I hit were fine.

It’s almost 2 am, so I better try to lay down and get a little sleep. I have a feeling tomorrow I’m going to feel a lot worse.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Tonight, My Nightmares Feel Real

I’ve had two dreams about going to court in Sand Springs. In the dream, I’m at the courthouse and just as I walk inside I hear the voice of the officer I talked to a few years ago from a pay phone, but I never see his face, I only hear his voice and the voice of other officers suddenly talking. I feel extreme panic and feel the need to escape so I turn to walk outside. When I step outside I meet face to face with badge bunnies husband and he just stares into my face. At that point, I realize I’m dreaming and force myself to wake up. I think I see his face because he is the only one that I have actually met, and I recently saw him while I was in Sand Springs.

The dream and appearing in court are both equally stressing me. I keep thinking about what the officer posted online at Coplouge a few years ago after I talked with him that day...

Quote: If you could spend a day with a board member who would it be?

I'd like a day with Thief...oh yes just one day...we'd work out some things.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~>:view19: Me taking care of Thief. Here thiefy, thiefy, thiefy!!

Guess I really pissed him off. This happened several years ago, so maybe he isn’t even around any more, and if he is, hopefully he has let it go. (yes, I fucking access your board Dunny...get over it... I was just looking for that quote from Baker.)

My court date was for tonight, so I’m glad I pushed it off until after my son graduates, just in case ‘Baker’ decides he still wants to ‘work out some things’. Regardless, I’m going to prepare myself... Put my plan in motion... Take a pill or two... And stay as calm as I possibly can. Maybe I’ll walk out without even seeing any of them.

Friday, May 08, 2009

Feeling Normal

Click to Enlarge...
Flowers at Chandler Park

Right now, I feel .... stable. I'm not experiencing any highs or lows, no intrusive thoughts or weird reactions, just normal. Which is good, so I hope it will last.

I'm having a garage sell tomorrow, which is keeping me really busy. I have to make enough money to pay my gas bill, if not I'm going to have to do some 'fucked up shit' to make sure it doesn't get shut off. Don't really want to go there.

Think I'm going to take a break from being online for a few days and instead work on some writing I've been putting off for a long time. When my mood changes I'm sure I'll be back. It's just right now too many things are going on in my life. My oldest boy will be graduating from high school next Saturday, and my younger one will be out for the summer in just a couple weeks.

When my court date in Sand Springs gets closer, I'm sure I'll be stressing out and will want to write, so until then HOPE EVERYONE HAS A SEXY ASS DAY!!!

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Change of Plans

Yesterday sucked and today wasn't much better. I have no energy, all I want to do is eat, drink alcohol, and not expel any form of movement. I don't want to blink, exist, or even think about any of these things. I've been trying to force myself to write, but even that seems to take every ounce of my will.

Thursday, before this mood hit me, I called Sand Springs court and had my court date changed. The 12th of May was a bad timing since my oldest son is graduating on the 15th. I can't believe how fast time has passed. I was just glad it wasn't a problem putting the date off. The lady told me the 26th of May at first, which would have been great, except that's when I changed my Friday's doctor appointment to (I canceled it because... I just didn't want to go).

Shit I hope this mood doesn't last long. If not, I'm going to have to start smoking weed again, or invest in a fucking liquor store. The only good part is I finally slept... 9 hours. Well, I'm bored. Everything seems to bore me. Guess I'll go lay back down.