Halloween is all about scary stuff, but really how do you scare someone who has changed a newborn’s diaper? I'm a Mom!! I'm not afraid of monsters in the closet or witches riding brooms. In fact, I’d probably ask that witch to step off her broom and help sweep up those Goldfish cracker crumbs, or start yet another load of laundry. So, what scares a mom? Here, for your Halloween terror, are my scary stories.
1. Back in 1990, after running errands in the car with my firstborn son, who was only a few weeks old at the time, I saw, to my horror, that he had ridden the whole way home without the seat belt fastened in his child-safety seat. My sleep-deprived self had forgotten to buckle him in. Instantly, visions of all that could have been ravaged my already-fragile mind. That one still scares me.
2. My second son scared me half to death when he was about 6 months old. Earlier that day, he had managed to cut his mouth on a Zweiback biscuit while he was with a baby sitter. Later that afternoon, while driving to Grandma’s house I looked in the rearview mirror and saw my baby’s face covered in blood. It was like something out of “Carrie,” half of his face was bloody! I thought he was hemorrhaging or throwing up blood or something equally horrifying, so I made a quasilegal U-turn and beelined for the emergency room at quasilegal speeds. I frantically ran into the hospital with my bloody child, big brother in tow. When I finally saw a nurse, she pretty much laughed at me and my hysterical mommyness. It turns out that mouth cuts always look worse than they really are. Most folks manage to swallow the blood when the have a cut in their mouth — most folks who aren’t babies, anyway. Oh.
3. Once, when I was backing my car out of the driveway, after dutifully checking my mirrors and watching out the rear window, I felt the car bump over something. Immediately, I hit the brakes; the only thing that stopped faster than the car was my heart. My thoughts went something like this: OMG!!!, I just killed something! Oh, please, don’t let it be a person! Or the dog! Please don’t let it be the cat! What did I just do? I checked. I looked and there was nothing there! What did I hit?
OMG!!, did one of the kids come out of the house? They were supposed to be inside with their father! How did they get out here so fast? No, they couldn’t have. OMG! Did I run over someone else’s kid??? I waited for my heart to start beating again, albeit not regularly, and managed to haul my paralyzed-with-terror self out of the car to witness the carnage. Ready to rush in the house and call 911, I looked behind my car and truly felt like an idiot — it was a plastic baseball bat. I ran over a baseball bat, and I killed it, too.
Showing posts with label halloween. Show all posts
Showing posts with label halloween. Show all posts
Friday, October 31, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Murder Was the Case
Other than my neighbor Jenny, I am the only person who knows that she is innocent of murdering her husband. As Jenny is to be put to death by lethal injection in less than an hour, she will take this knowledge to the grave with her. When her body signs slowly fade from her body, then I will be the only one who knows the true identity of the actual killer of James Smith.
She will be pacing the cold confines of the condemned cell, as the minutes slowly and sadly tick away, indignant and outraged by the injustice that put her there. Perhaps she will beat the unyielding walls and scream her innocence to the world. No one will hear her though; only the correctional officer standing outside her door, and he will have heard it all before from other ‘innocence’ people.
Eventually, as her final moment approaches ever nearer, she will quietly lay on her hard bunk, and anger will be replaced by a far greater emotion: terror. She will know pure liquid fear as her mind enacts the ultimate moments; the trembling walk to the room to be strapped down, the strong arms supporting her at both sides as she takes each faltering step up to the platform, the blackness as a mask is place over her head and steals her last sight of the world around her. Will she be one of those that stand firm and proud as she feels the rough sting of a needle being placed in her arm? Defiant at last in the face of the inevitable, determined to make her exit dignified and ladylike? Or will she succumb to basic animal panic and have to be dragged kicking and screaming, begging and pleading, weeping and crying, to end her days as a cowardly wreck?
Jenny will be praying now, praying as she never has before, praying desperately for the last-minute reprieve that will never come. Every tissue of her being will be fervently hoping that the true guilty one will step forward, remorseful, and conscious-stricken that another is being punished for her crime.
But it will not happen.
A woman in my position must be seen to be above reproach, to be beyond criminality. I must adhere impeccably to the law. The scandal would be enormous shout it become know that it was I who kill James.
I had to take his life. If only he could have been content to let our affair remain a secret. I thought that I had convinced him that it was for the best that we continue as we had for all those months. However, that night, that last night, when we met at his house while his wife Jenny was attending one of her many late-night sessions at a local bar. No amount of reasoning or persuasion from me would sway him; he loved me and he wanted the world to know. He was leaving Jenny. He had even written a letter telling her so. What could I do? How could I allow it to be discovered that I had been conducting a long-standing affair with the husband of a local well-known politician.
I am noted for my calmness and passivity, it is necessary in my work, but that night when James showed me the letter with my name in it like an accusation, I snapped.
When the police arrived at the neighbors house, they found Jenny standing over the body of her husband spread out on the bed, and the stocking I used to strangle him still clutched in her hand. The evidence against her, though circumstantial, was damning.
At the trial, the housekeeper and other witnesses revealed the graphic details and the constant bouts between the couple and Jenny’s violent behavior toward her husband after coming home drunk from the bar. When it was further exposed that she had been conducting an affair (one of many) with the bartender, from whose bed she had come home that night and with whom she had often discussed how much she despised James, the jury had little hesitation in finding Jenny guilty. No one was aware that the real culprit was viewing the whole procedure from the back of the courtroom.
It is almost time now. The door of the condemned cell well be swinging open to admit the escort who will accompany Jenny on the long walk to her final rendezvous. What exquisite dread she must be feeling. I know I wouldn’t wish to be in her shoes.
“We’re ready for you now, Ms. Smart.”
“What? Oh, I’m sorry officer, you startled me; I must have been daydreaming. I was just giving the equipment a final check. Everything seems to be in order.”
“Oh, I’m sure it must be, madam; I’ve never know you to make a mistake. Very professional you are, if you don’t mind me saying so. Though I couldn’t do your job for a million bucks. Dirty work it is, being the one who put’s the needle in someone’s arm.”
“Why thank you, officer; that’s very kind of you. You’re right, it is dirty work, but you know what they say; someone has to do it.”
“I suppose so, madam. Oh well, it sounds like they are bringing Jenny in now.”
Dirty work indeed, but I make sure Jenny Smith’s execution is as clean as all the rest. One should always take pride in one’s work.
She will be pacing the cold confines of the condemned cell, as the minutes slowly and sadly tick away, indignant and outraged by the injustice that put her there. Perhaps she will beat the unyielding walls and scream her innocence to the world. No one will hear her though; only the correctional officer standing outside her door, and he will have heard it all before from other ‘innocence’ people.
Eventually, as her final moment approaches ever nearer, she will quietly lay on her hard bunk, and anger will be replaced by a far greater emotion: terror. She will know pure liquid fear as her mind enacts the ultimate moments; the trembling walk to the room to be strapped down, the strong arms supporting her at both sides as she takes each faltering step up to the platform, the blackness as a mask is place over her head and steals her last sight of the world around her. Will she be one of those that stand firm and proud as she feels the rough sting of a needle being placed in her arm? Defiant at last in the face of the inevitable, determined to make her exit dignified and ladylike? Or will she succumb to basic animal panic and have to be dragged kicking and screaming, begging and pleading, weeping and crying, to end her days as a cowardly wreck?
Jenny will be praying now, praying as she never has before, praying desperately for the last-minute reprieve that will never come. Every tissue of her being will be fervently hoping that the true guilty one will step forward, remorseful, and conscious-stricken that another is being punished for her crime.
But it will not happen.
A woman in my position must be seen to be above reproach, to be beyond criminality. I must adhere impeccably to the law. The scandal would be enormous shout it become know that it was I who kill James.
I had to take his life. If only he could have been content to let our affair remain a secret. I thought that I had convinced him that it was for the best that we continue as we had for all those months. However, that night, that last night, when we met at his house while his wife Jenny was attending one of her many late-night sessions at a local bar. No amount of reasoning or persuasion from me would sway him; he loved me and he wanted the world to know. He was leaving Jenny. He had even written a letter telling her so. What could I do? How could I allow it to be discovered that I had been conducting a long-standing affair with the husband of a local well-known politician.
I am noted for my calmness and passivity, it is necessary in my work, but that night when James showed me the letter with my name in it like an accusation, I snapped.
When the police arrived at the neighbors house, they found Jenny standing over the body of her husband spread out on the bed, and the stocking I used to strangle him still clutched in her hand. The evidence against her, though circumstantial, was damning.
At the trial, the housekeeper and other witnesses revealed the graphic details and the constant bouts between the couple and Jenny’s violent behavior toward her husband after coming home drunk from the bar. When it was further exposed that she had been conducting an affair (one of many) with the bartender, from whose bed she had come home that night and with whom she had often discussed how much she despised James, the jury had little hesitation in finding Jenny guilty. No one was aware that the real culprit was viewing the whole procedure from the back of the courtroom.
It is almost time now. The door of the condemned cell well be swinging open to admit the escort who will accompany Jenny on the long walk to her final rendezvous. What exquisite dread she must be feeling. I know I wouldn’t wish to be in her shoes.
“We’re ready for you now, Ms. Smart.”
“What? Oh, I’m sorry officer, you startled me; I must have been daydreaming. I was just giving the equipment a final check. Everything seems to be in order.”
“Oh, I’m sure it must be, madam; I’ve never know you to make a mistake. Very professional you are, if you don’t mind me saying so. Though I couldn’t do your job for a million bucks. Dirty work it is, being the one who put’s the needle in someone’s arm.”
“Why thank you, officer; that’s very kind of you. You’re right, it is dirty work, but you know what they say; someone has to do it.”
“I suppose so, madam. Oh well, it sounds like they are bringing Jenny in now.”
Dirty work indeed, but I make sure Jenny Smith’s execution is as clean as all the rest. One should always take pride in one’s work.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Twenty fun things to do on Halloween
1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. That could be fun!
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin. Highly unrecommended.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished
2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and runaround the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house. That could be fun!
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin. Highly unrecommended.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished
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