My Bad Day

I’ve never been a social person. I guess most of that comes from the fact that when growing up I had very little contact with other people in social settings. Over the years I have learned to adapt to most any situation, but then there are moments when all I want to do is resort back to a more barbaric way of handling things. Maybe I should just let MsPsycho handle all things....?

My 7 year old tv began experiencing difficulties in working correctly, and although I don’t watch much tv, I do have a few select shows that I enjoy watching, so when it failed to come on, I headed out the door in search of another one. Knowing I didn’t have a lot of money, I decided to search at a couple of different pawn shops hoping to find one that wouldn’t cost too much. The first shop I stopped at offered only a couple of small tv’s that harbored pounds of dust. The next pawn shop looked cleaner, but the parking lot was full.

I had a friend drop me off near the door while he and my son looked for a parking spot. The moment I opened the door I should have turned around and walked right back out, but I spotted several nice clean tv’s sitting on a corner shelf, so I stepped on inside. A young, black girl standing near the door, holding merchandise to pawn, stepped towards me just as I enter the door, which caused me to bump into her slightly. I said a low excuse, while she just stared at me.

Ignoring her, I walked on over near the tv’s and found one that had a nice price and looked good. As I’m standing there looking at the others, I can hear this bitch behind me talking about how I had just bumped into her. I tried to ignore her stupidity, but it continued to mount as she continued to throw out insults. I almost snapped!

I took a deep breath.... Bitch do you realize I will go psycho on your ass in about three seconds flat. I will beat you down to the ground and keep stomping your face until the police pull me off your bloody stupid ignorant self. I have been to the Pen and I won’t put up with some low life bitch that needs to grow the fuck up! Deep breath, .... and I put MsPsycho behind the curtains for a moment.

I turn around from the tv’s and walk back near the girl. I look her in the face and again I say excuse me loud enough for everyone to hear. I exit the store and get to the car just as they find a parking spot. I just shake my head and tell them they didn’t have any nice tv’s.

Eventually, I found a tv, but never again will I search at a pawn shop that is really busy. The anti-social, bi-polar, fucked up person inside of me (MsPsycho) might be hard to contain next time.

Part two of my day....

After several hours of having the most vial thoughts about that woman, I had to head home to my happy place. There is one thing that relaxes my body and mind more than anything else, and it’s not marijuana. (Even though that does help.:) I find my peace in my little 18 foot above ground pool that I got from Wal-Mart. During the summer I will spend at least an hour or more everyday, cleaning out the pool, exercising, swimming, and floating in the water, absorbing the vitamin d from the sun.

Just as I changed into my clothes to head to the backyard, my neighbor/friend calls, panicking about how her husband didn’t want to spend 10 dollars at the PUBIC pool for just an hour of swimming for his 3 kids. Apparently he didn’t get off his lazy ass and get them their on time to swim longer. So, she wants to know if they can all swim in my pool. I finally agree, but tell her she has to watch them. I can tell in her voice that she doesn’t want to watch them either. (They’re not our fucking kids....MsPsycho whispers in my ear.)

I tell her that I’m watching a show on tv, so she says the 12 year old can watch the 7 and 5 year old. I’m thinking not a good idea, but I finally agree. Thirty minutes later they show up, but with a couple other kids from the neighborhood that heard they were going swimming and wanted to come.

Deep breathe.... I don’t have a fucking community pool! This is my private pool for me to enjoy! Not for every dirty little snot nosed kid in the neighborhood! This is MY happy place! Every motherfucker on this block probably makes more money than I do. If you want to let your kids enjoy a pool, then you save money to buy one. That’s what I have to do. I don’t make over 100 thousands dollars a fucking year.... but you do! You put in the time to set up the pool, fill it with water, pay the water bill, buy the chemicals needed to keep the water clear, clean it out everyday. Then when I come asking if I can swim in your little personal sized pool, I wonder what you will have to say. Fuck people! You’re fucking up my space!! Deep breathe! And MsPsycho steps behind the curtain.

You guys have fun, just be careful. I walked off to my room and smoked a joint.
We’re much better now.

The Shame...so much shame

Tonight I’ve got suicide on the brain
over here typing because my head is screaming angrily at me
trying to rally other parts of my brain to shout the voices down
I hate myself for thinking like this.
I hate my mind for working this way.
inability to conduct coherent conversations
do excuse me if I go quiet,
or chuck a half-assed rant your way sometime soon.


I'm not feeling so good recently. My mood has switched into something nameless. I can’t describe it; a kind of shaky deadness. It is so strange how you can be okay for a while, enjoy life, live normally, and then, just when you breathe, overnight it all comes back. You’re crazy again, hurt again, suicidal again.

When I am stable, I don’t think about my mood every day, every hour, every minute. When I fully recover from a mood episode, I am horrified at myself, the monster that took over my body for a while. I think back to my meticulous suicide plans and all of the details and it is as frightening to me as if I had planned a murder. And how I acted. The shame, so much shame. Worse than being drunk in front of everyone, but similar in tone.

A few rough days and nights, a heat wave, exhaustion, the mood swings again, and I am back to wishing I weren’t alive. Moreover, I’m so restless and so very fucking angry that I can’t help thinking about jumping off buildings, a giant fuck you to the universe, for giving me everything except the ability to live with it. And for some quiet. To know that I will never, ever, have to do anything I don’t want to do again.

When every moment of every hour of every day consists of something you don’t want to do, and everything you see in the possible next ten years is more of the same.

Do you ever get the urge to run and run and then run some more? I’m not necessarily thinking of the Forest Gump type of leaps and bounds, but just something to shake off the feeling I have right now. I feel so restless that I wish I could be in a field and just run to the mountains, and never look back.

But it’s dark, and 2 in the morning. Besides the roaming bears, wolves, coyotes or cougars would consider me fair game and probably find me hard to resist.

So I think a shot or two of Jack is in order and then it’s time for bed.
Damn.

Life Sucks

Its been a really bad week, and taking the Relgan isn't helping with my moods. I've been a fucking bitch to everyone. It's a long story, so maybe I'll post about it tomorrow...right now I want to try and get some sleep because I only got 3 hours last night. I feel like a fucking zombie walking around.