Saturday, September 26, 2009

Daily Life Goes On

All day long I’ve been walking around with all thoughts on what to blog about, and I just really can’t seem to stop on just one line of thought. I usually try to force myself to post a blog on this site at least 4 times a month, no matter what my mood may be for that day. If I don’t do this, I feel my mind becomes cluttered beyond recognition, and I will seek out relief in non-standard ways. I honestly don’t like going to those extremes, and hope I never have to go that far into the darkness again.

So let me clear my throat (love that song).

For days now I’ve been so busy helping my oldest son get his life in line, that I really haven’t had much time for me. Which is actually good, because staying busy has kept me from doing things like my last act of stupidity. But tonight I’m alone. Alone with my thoughts, and I’m struggling hard to let them try to form into something coherent enough to put into words.

I can’t say that I’m unhappy, or happy right now. I just exist. Mostly I exist for my boys. If it wasn’t for them, I would have checked out of this life a long time ago. Focusing in on their needs has been my lifeline to staying in the real world. I guess I’m like most parents, I want to give them more than what was offer to me when I was a teen.

It all started a couple weeks ago with me taking both my sons to the DMV. My 19-year-old had yet to pass the test, because he just didn’t study enough. After failing the test for the second time, I think he was afraid of failing again, so he didn’t try again until almost a year later. And then it was only because his 16-year-old brother wanted to get his learners permit.

Nobody had better ever tell me I don’t love my boys, because after only getting a couple hours of sleep, I got up at 5:00am to make sure we were the first ones at the DMV. A light rain fell as I drove along, jacked up on a large cup of French vanilla coffee. My thoughts kept running to, “I hope the rain stops before my older son has to do the driving part. I don‘t want him to wreck the car I just got in May.” I was more worried about that than him passing the test. Mother instinct told me they would both pass the written part, and they did.

Both of them had the biggest smiles on their faces, which made me feel really good. The rain ended, and my older son took off in my car. Ten minutes later he returned with a big smile on his face...he was now a licensed driver. All week the smiles have continued, as I let my younger one take the wheel on the way to the store, or on his way home from football practice, and my older one has the dream truck of his life. I’ll admit, I love the truck myself, and the price was really good.

I just hate all the crap that comes with getting a vehicle. The salesmen are like vultures, hovering and circling above the meat, waiting to dive down and grab a bite. Then there’s all the paperwork, and the signing of this and that, agreeing to ... Etc... In the end all that disappears when you’re driving away from the dealership, inhaling the fresh scent of a new/used vehicle. It’s even better, when that’s your first vehicle. I felt deeply for my son.

Some people have already told me that I went to far when I helped my 19 year old son get his first dream truck. But again, I want to give my boys every opportunity I never had, to achieve their dreams. It’s stressful agreeing to a large loan for my son, hoping he doesn’t fail and leave me having to figure it all out. Still, I sucked up the stress and did it anyway.

He should start Spartan in a couple weeks, and things are really going to get hard on him. And I’m going to be there for him, as much as I can be, signing papers, agreeing to loans, paying for his gas back and forth...etc... Isn’t that what parents are suppose to do?

When the President of the United States got out of college, he owed over a hundred thousand dollars in loans, but look where he is now. When my first son finishes school, he will owe a lot of money, to a lot of people, but hopefully he will have learned enough to get a really good job and be able to have a very successful life after I am gone. When it’s time for my other son, I will do the same for him.

I'm out for the night...

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Hell, Maybe I'm Just Plain Psychotic

I’ve been spending a vast amount of time doing things ‘normal’ people would never consider doing, or even having the thought cross through their mind. Most of the time, I feel very little remorse about having psycho thoughts, so when they begin, I will sometimes let them bury me in the deepest hole, or fly me to the moon. I have safely done this in the past, so at that moment, I felt I had no reason to refrain from indulging in my hunger for stimulation. I just wasn’t fully aware of where my thoughts were going to take me this time.

Even to me, there is no obvious motivation behind what I did. Maybe it was because of my desire for excitement, or I was yearning for something more than my usually boost of adrenalin that I get from speeding. I just know that I had a strong overpowering impulse to deliberately do what I did, in order to relieve the intense tension that I’ve been experiencing for the past several weeks now. I was at a point, where I was willing to do anything in order to shock my system back to some sort of ‘normal’.

I’ve just been feeling incredibly powerless to cope with all the stress in my life, and the psycho thoughts were consuming my every waking breath, so I repeatedly began seeking out means to discharge all the tension by doing various activities, including many that are illegal, but caused no harm to anyone. Each one that I attempted, failed to help me stop the burial of my mind. With no control of my impulses, I went to extreme levels, but my actions finally managed to induce the euphoria that my mind needed/craved in order to stabilize my moods.

It has been many years since I had to bulldoze that hard to get out of my depression hole, and I hope I never again have to manufacture that kind of excitement, in order to elevate a potential crisis. At the time, I couldn’t envision any way to achieve the relief my mind was seeking, so when the opportunity presented itself, it occurred without thought. The euphoria continues to linger as I think back to my actions, which has been very helpful in stabilizing the chaos in my head.

It’s Labor Day weekend, so I’m going to have a couple of mixed drinks, and stay in the safety of my asylum for the night. Tomorrow, I’m going for my long walk in the woods at the back of Lambert Park, and enjoy the freedom my mind is experiencing.

I am writing this to prove
I once lived in a world which didn't understand
nor cared enough to find out...