What a dumbass.

Again people have been reading my blog and then telling me how I need to get help…well here’s the thing…I’ve tried so many times and failed that each time I try and fail, it again makes me feel like I am a failure. So fuck 'getting help' ....this is the way I am learning to heal. By finally admitting to things that I am usually too embarrassed to tell to a persons face. This is my therapy. I am slowly beginning to heal.

For the third time I tried to see a therapist and a psychiatrist only to be turned away because of a misunderstanding. I had spoke with a intake counselor from ParkSide in Tulsa and had appointments set up for drug treatment from 9am till noon, 3 days a week, and 2 appointments to see a therapist and then the psychiatrist. I was actually looking forward to finally being able to unload my mind on someone who could help me figure it all out, but again I guess it just wasn’t meant to happen.

I found out I couldn’t attend the morning classes just yet, mainly due to the fact that I didn’t have a way to get there at that time, so I thought I would just postpone it for a few more months and then go. The day of the appointment the therapist called and I explained that I couldn’t attend the morning classes but still felt like I needed to see the therapist to talk about a few things and the psychiatrist to maybe get on some medications. The therapist misunderstood (or so she says) and canceled all the appointments. And she didn’t tell me anything about it until the day of the appointment when I received a letter in the mail saying my appointments were canceled. I called her back and said I had full intentions of coming to the other appointments, but she said it was then to late, so she would have to call me back and make new appointments.
That was 2 weeks ago and I haven’t heard anything back yet!

If someone you knew openly admitted to hearing voices and had recently injured themselves, wouldn’t you as a professional person want to help this person? I guess she really doesn’t give a fuck. So when and if I go on a killing spree will she then say, ‘well I guess I should have tried to help her’? WTF???

And how in the fuck does calling someone a dumbass help in their healing? You’re only making them feel worse about the crazy things they do, you’re not helping any. Here is the mind….they said I’m a dumbass…I guess they are right I am a dumbass and I don’t deserve this life. I’m only going to fuck it up worse. I can’t do anything right. Dumbass!!!!dumbass!!dumbass!!!dumbass!!! You hear the words as you try to sleep…Dumbass!!! And that’s who you will always be. Never able to change. What a dumbass.

May 22, 2006

Later today I go to see yet another Psychiatrist and a therapist. I haven’t been to sleep yet, because I’m thinking about suicide again. I’m so sick of going to see doctors, and other people just to try and get my life straight. It sometimes becomes more than what I want to deal with, and I think suicide will take me away from it all. But I’m still a fucking chicken, so until I get up enough nerve to confront an officer into pulling the trigger, I’m stuck living this miserable life.
I’m still trying to visit as many different sites that I can so it will keep me distracted long enough for the really bad days to pass. Yesterday and today were miserable. All day long I was angry, and it really was for no reason at all. I have days like that. I become so angry at everything and everybody that I feel like I want to just choke the fuck out of everybody I see. It’s like this rage that I have deep inside of me and I don’t know what to do with it all. Some days I feel like I can’t take it anymore and I’m going to explode in a violent frenzy and go on a killing spree. Taking as many victims as I can with me.

I just want my chest to stop hurting, my hands to stop sweating, to stop feeling like I want to throw up........I want to feel real.

Seeking help.

So I finally went to see a psychiatrist about getting on some medicine to help with some of the more unusual thoughts that I’ve been having. I lie to the person who brings me, telling them its only a part of my regular yearly check up that people with disabilities have to have done. I don’t want to admit to the person closest to me that on a daily basis I think about suicide or have homicidal thoughts. But when the voices start to become louder than my own voice I know its time to get some help again.

Last time I spoke with a few officers online which helped me from committing suicide. I was close and went as far as going to a town where I knew I could easily provoke an officer into doing what I’m apparently to chicken to do. Just the act of following through with my plan up until the last possible moment was enough to bring me back to reality for a little while. It gave me enough of an adrenaline boost to decide I really didn’t want to die at that moment, it could wait until another time. Now once again I am faced with those feelings, and the only way I feel I can get past this moment, is to do something …. I don’t want to say crazy… but something that will help me stay in reality without using some sort of drug.

I arrive at the office on time, matter of fact I was early, but I wanted to come early just in case I couldn’t find the place, or the weather might slow us down getting there. It was pouring down rain, and I almost wanted to cancel the appointment, but I felt if I didn’t go, one of my many voices would later talk me out of going back. I keep hearing all the voices of the officers I had talked to online saying, “Get some help. Find some support. Get on some medication.” So there I was drenched from head to toe when I walked into the small middle office building, and immediately the first thing I noticed everywhere there were religious posting from the bible. Every inch of the walls, the front part of a desk, book shelves behind the desk, and any where there was an open space hung something to do with religion. My first thought was to get up and run right back to the car through the pouring rain.

Out stepped an elderly lady, who I later found out was the doctor wife, took my information, and told me the doctor went to get some copies and some coffee. Another bad sign that I should have ran. As I sat down in a waiting chair I could see down the hall way into the doctors office, where there were large bibles placed around the room. But the worst of all, the finally factor that made me decide that no matter what I will not return to see him ever again was the cleanliness of the office. Paper, boxing material, old packages, etc., basic garbage, was sitting around everywhere possible.

After waiting 45 minutes for the doctor to return, because he had got caught in traffic during the rain, he finally showed up and led me to his chamber of horror. I could barely sit down in the chair, because it basically grossed me out. It was dirty, and like I said the room was so overly packed with papers and other debris that you could not see his desk, or anywhere on the floor. Yuck!!!! Yes I have OCD….but you might too after seeing his office.

Still I tried and talked about why I was there, and how I hadn’t been sleeping very well. I didn’t get too far into the details, but enough that he wanted to continue talking to me even after his next patient had arrived. Mostly it was about religion, and I told him if there was a God, God forgot about me a long time ago. He said I should go on to become a minister….inside I wanted to laugh my ass off at such a crazy suggestion, but I just left him believing that it sounded like a great idea. Almost 2 hours later I’m finally leaving with a script for insomnia. The doctor wants me to come back in a few days to see about putting me on more medication, but I won’t be going back. Help will have to come from somewhere else.

Is smoking weed worth the price you have to pay?

Post for Price of Weed posted here: http://whathappenedtoprotectandserve.blogspot.com/2008/02/price-of-weed.html

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I go to court this week for a review on my last charges. I can’t believe it’s been almost a year since I was stopped and charged for the marijuana possession. I found out the other day when I paid some that I still owe close to $1000.00 dollars in fines. ALL FOR A PIECE OF WEED THIS ___ BIG!!!!! I’ve paid as much as I can each month, but I don’t think the Judge is going to like how much I’ve paid. But I had to pay 175.00 for the drug and alcohol assessment, and pay Tulsa County their money each month. And I still have to come up with almost a thousand dollars to get my license back along with taking intensive outpatient treatment and therapy. I don’t know how much that is going to cost. Again… ALL FOR A PIECE OF WEED THIS ___ BIG!!!!!

I know it was more than just the weed he found; he was trying to show me that he’s the one in control, and not me. That he follows the law, no matter what. Or maybe he believes somehow that he is going to save my life by making me get off of drugs. Could be that he’s just an asshole who goes on power trips and likes to fuck up peoples lives that he doesn’t like. ALL FOR A PIECE OF WEED THIS ___ BIG!!!!! It’s no wonder our court systems are so full now days, and prisons are overflowing.

So should I get off completely free? After all I did break a law. I was in possession of a piece of weed, even though there wasn’t enough to even weigh. It wasn’t something that I was selling. He knew it was for personal use only. Still, it was wrong. So give me a 100 dollar fine, not a 1500 dollar fine that only causes future problems with the family because you don’t have the money to get the things you need. Then put me on probation and maybe order me to drug treatment. I damn straight don’t need to lose my license because of this. How do they expect me to take my kids the places they need to go? Their father damn straight won’t. So I feel like my kids are being punished. Again yes it is my fault that I tend to self medicate just to make to the next day. But I’ve never hurt anyone other than myself. You can’t say I shouldn’t be driving, because I’ve never had a wreck in my entire life. Not even a close call when driving while I’m high.

Now I go to court and wonder if I’m going to go to jail or not. Each time I have to show back up I fear this. It causes me to have panic attacks, for which I have to take something to help me relax before going, or I would probably throw up right there on the floor in front of everybody. I've given up smoking weed for now, because I know when I do appear in court the Judge is going to want me to take a UA. Which I know how to pass, even if I wasn’t clean. The places they have you go, don’t watch you well enough.

Another thing I finally did was go see a psychiatrist. What a fucking weirdo!!! I swear to God some of these psyches are worst than me. His office made me want to shower for a week!!! It was so nasty, and things were piled everywhere looking like it had never been cleaned. I couldn’t handle it, so I doubt I will ever go back to him. I’ll post another time what happened. At least I got a few good drugs out of him....damn I’m a junkie. But I'm still trying.


Price of Weed....Post located here...

http://whathappenedtoprotectandserve.blogspot.com/2008/02/price-of-weed.html