Sunday, June 25, 2006

What a dumbass.

Again people have been reading my blog and then telling me how I need to get help…well here’s the thing…I’ve tried so many times and failed that each time I try and fail, it again makes me feel like I am a failure. So fuck 'getting help' ....this is the way I am learning to heal. By finally admitting to things that I am usually too embarrassed to tell to a persons face. This is my therapy. I am slowly beginning to heal.

For the third time I tried to see a therapist and a psychiatrist only to be turned away because of a misunderstanding. I had spoke with a intake counselor from ParkSide in Tulsa and had appointments set up for drug treatment from 9am till noon, 3 days a week, and 2 appointments to see a therapist and then the psychiatrist. I was actually looking forward to finally being able to unload my mind on someone who could help me figure it all out, but again I guess it just wasn’t meant to happen.

I found out I couldn’t attend the morning classes just yet, mainly due to the fact that I didn’t have a way to get there at that time, so I thought I would just postpone it for a few more months and then go. The day of the appointment the therapist called and I explained that I couldn’t attend the morning classes but still felt like I needed to see the therapist to talk about a few things and the psychiatrist to maybe get on some medications. The therapist misunderstood (or so she says) and canceled all the appointments. And she didn’t tell me anything about it until the day of the appointment when I received a letter in the mail saying my appointments were canceled. I called her back and said I had full intentions of coming to the other appointments, but she said it was then to late, so she would have to call me back and make new appointments.
That was 2 weeks ago and I haven’t heard anything back yet!

If someone you knew openly admitted to hearing voices and had recently injured themselves, wouldn’t you as a professional person want to help this person? I guess she really doesn’t give a fuck. So when and if I go on a killing spree will she then say, ‘well I guess I should have tried to help her’? WTF???

And how in the fuck does calling someone a dumbass help in their healing? You’re only making them feel worse about the crazy things they do, you’re not helping any. Here is the mind….they said I’m a dumbass…I guess they are right I am a dumbass and I don’t deserve this life. I’m only going to fuck it up worse. I can’t do anything right. Dumbass!!!!dumbass!!dumbass!!!dumbass!!! You hear the words as you try to sleep…Dumbass!!! And that’s who you will always be. Never able to change. What a dumbass.

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