Tell me to stop

Tell me to stop.
I probably won’t listen, but still tell me anyway.
Slap me. Hit me. Kick me to the ground.
Tell me to stop!
Put the cuffs on. Arrest me. Put me in jail.
I still don’t think that will make me stop.
Even if I hit the ground face first,
I would get back up and run right into the lion’s den.  
Sorry, I’m trying to get this all up out of my head.
But the voices are shouting again,
And we are not getting along.
You think I’m crazy? You really have no idea.
Tell me all the reasons why it’s wrong,
And I’ll tell you this is the only hell I understand.
I don’t think I’ll ever changed my ways.
Tell me to stop.

My emotions are slamming me into the ground tonight.
Homicidal and suicidal thoughts consume my mind.
But acting on those thoughts take more energy than I’m willing to put forth. 
Tell me to stop.

Storm of Emotions

My fuse is short.... If you light it... You better run fast.
Kill them with kindness... Kill them with kindness... Kill them with kind.. Kill them with... Kill them... Kill them!!

SOMEBODY! Grant me the serenity to accept the fact that some people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, and the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.

If it moves shoot it.
I envision bones snapping, and I enjoy the sound.

Sometimes I forget this site is my therapy, especially when things are moving along in the ‘normal’ direction. I guess it’s like the people who attend AA or NA, you have to keep going or it stops working.

It’s around 2am, and for the 4th day in a row, I can’t sleep, so I need to return to the one thing that was giving me some sort of peace... My writing.

For the past several days I have experienced extreme anger that boils up from somewhere deep inside my lower stomach and crawls it way into my thoughts. Then comes the slap across my face as homicidal and suicidal thoughts destroy my mind. Everyone that pisses me off in the wrong way, has my mind envisioning the most violent thoughts a person can have.

Only those who deserve it.
Hung with care, will the police soon be there?

6 million ways to die.
Push someone ‘accidentally’ in front of traffic?
Maybe a little rat poison in their food?
Hold their head under water...
Slice their throat?
Baseball bat to the back of their head?
Will it end in suicide?

My brain has locked on and seized this one particular thought so tightly that I can’t seem to be able to let it go without doing something ‘stupid’ to unfreeze my brain. These strange thoughts terrify me, and at times I’m afraid that my forbidden thoughts may become so powerful that they break out and I act on these thoughts. It’s wreaking havoc on my mental health.

I dream horrid dreams, and often mutter unmentionable thoughts... so pay no attention to me as I casual stroll by.

Tomorrow I have to get out of town and go ‘stalk’ someone if that is what is needed to bring me out of this state of mind before Christmas arrives.

Keeping me sane...

My post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and anxiety is in full swing right now. But I shouldn’t bitch because I did it to myself when I got bored and began reading stories about children being abused.  When I read about or see stories about child abuse or sexual abuse, my heart rate increases rapidly and nausea will follow. I then have to swiftly re-arrange my thoughts to stop myself from doing something stupid. If I can’t do it for myself, I’ll do it for them.

I thought about suicide so frequently today that it became my obsession. I repeatedly thought about all the possible ways to die, and the easiest method to achieve this goal. One of my hidden personalities who is the responsible, level headed one, stepped forth in my moment of severe distress and prevented me from taking my life. But the one that scares me the most, is the personality that shows no fear. She knows that we can’t take our own life, but she can force others to do it for her. This war is a non-stop battle in my mind, and sometimes I feel like surrendering to the wrong side. Having children is the only thing that has prevented me from crossing that line.  

I’ve been trying to do the right things like exercise, eat right, get a good night’s sleep, get out in the world and be more social, stop all the negative thinking, and do more things that I enjoy. But, it’s tough to get out of bed in the morning when you feel like, ‘what’s the point’. I’m not making a difference in this world, I’m not a productive member of society, I’ve been to prison, I’ve broken many laws, etc. I could list a hundred negative things about myself. But, all they have to do is smile and I remember what I’m here for.

What I dislike most about myself is that I’m not very intelligent. Compared to some I might be, but I feel way below average. And I hate that about myself. I’m not sure who is to blame, probably me, or it could have been the fact that it was impossible to concentrate in school when I was always thinking about what was going to secretly take place at home later. Maybe I can place the blame on the hours of lost sleep due to the unbearably cold room that I slept in while growing up, or the hole in the roof near the foot of my bed that leaked large buckets of water every time it rained, or maybe it was because I always feared that one day my father would snap and kill everyone in the house. FUCK! Maybe it was because I was thinking about my brothers being in the hospital after they were shot. I didn’t have fucking time or room in my head to think about what was being taught. If I did think about school work, I did only long enough to memorize what was on the test, pass it, and then I would forget. They will never have to deal with this kind of stress.

I wanted so much to go to college after high school, but there was no way for me to achieve that goal. Once I let go of that dream, all hope was lost and arrest, jail, prison, mental hospitals, drug rehabs, all soon followed. By the time I finally got my life in some sort of order and was ready to commit to going back to school, I got pregnant. All plans to further my education again came to a halt. For the past 20 years I have focused on making sure my boys have all the opportunities to better their lives in a way that I never had. I’m sure I still have a few more years to go, but what will I do when they are not there to keep me sane?

Pain Drives Me

Thoughts of suicide crossed my mind and sadly still lingers hours later. After the accident I can’t help but think if it wasn’t for me, my son would be better off. He would still have his car, I wouldn’t have to face going to court on yet another charge... Failure to yield. How many more times in my life must I be punished?

Most people who have suicidal tendencies, usually always have a suicide plan. A way out when all else fails. The finally option. I’ve had a plan since the first day I began thinking about taking my life at the young age of 12. Over the years, the plan has changed and become more sophisticated and thought out down to the final details of what should be done with my body. I don’t think I want to be buried the traditional way of a body being placed in a casket, instead I want to be cremated. I look at it this way, I don’t want others to ever have to bear the weight that I have carried throughout my life.

Sometimes it feels like each years that passes, my life only gets worse, and I can’t imagine living like this for 40 more years. I think about jumping in front of a semi-truck, swimming down to the bottom of the deepest water until there is no possible way to make it back to the top alive, taking too many pills, cutting a little too deep, etc. And as the finally resort, letting law enforcement do what I am a failure at doing, ending my years of misery.

But then suddenly out the blue things change, and you want to live. You have all these wonderful plans on how things are going to work out one day. All I have to do is distract myself long enough to climb out of the fucking mud. It’s not easy when the mud is clinging to every pore in my body, and there just doesn’t seem to be enough water in the world to wash it all away. Still, I keep trying, wishing there was an alternative to committing suicide, but at times I just can’t see one. I just have these wavering, mixed feelings about death, that I sometimes have a hard time understanding.

My court is tomorrow in Sand Springs, so I probably won’t be sleeping much tonight. I just hope everything rides along without any glitches...lol.

_______________________

Please, Please.... if you are having serious thoughts of suicide and need help, contact a friend, email me (fukitsacoldworld@yahoo.com), take a walk, or call one of the numbers below, before you do anything. I've lived with suicide thoughts for over 30 years, and so can you. You don't have to die. There are alternatives, other distractions, that will keep you from making a decision that you can't reverse.

Suicide hotlines to call for help:
If you or someone you care about is suicidal, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or the National Hopeline Network at 1-800-SUICIDE (1-800-784-2433).
These toll-free crisis hotlines offer 24-hour suicide prevention and support. Your call is free and confidential.

Hey, Is Anyone Up There?

Dear God,

What ever happened to people supposedly being equal in your all seeing eyes? I mean you could've warned me about the accident. You know, a simple "Look out T old friend," would've done the trick, and made me turn my head, just in time to make a neat side step out of harms way. But oh no, you didn't did you? Instead you let it happen to me. Probably stood by, just watching as things went from bad to worse.

Have you any idea how much pain I'm in? Do you even give a damn? You might understand how I have great doubts about you even being up there, and even further doubts about how I thought I’d found you to begin with.

So once again as I endure new levels of unwanted, pain, I grit my teeth, and ask myself once again, where are you? Yes you God, during my hour of greatest need? Is it all because you feel you have a more important agenda? A list of high priority cases, perhaps? And if this be so, then does this rightfully warrant your ignorance to my anguished cries? I mean let's face it God you've hardly ever answered a single prayer since that one time.

Perhaps indeed, my problems simply appear petty in the great scheme of things? Or is it simply a fact that my good karma credit has finally expired? Just tell me the cold hard truth. And God, I suppose that's why if I'd have had a choice as egg and sperm, I would never have asked to be been born into this world. But I guess that’s a little too late now.

Just no more bad shit! Please! You know God, I just wanted to find one person who understood. I'm still searching to this day.

To tell you the truth the only reason I've written to you, is so I could find at least one person who would stop my plan. So speak to me soon. Or else I might just be happy with wherever the devil may take me.

Suicide

I am stumbling,
struggling,
desperately trying not to fall,
but inside I'm crumbling,
wishing I could end it all...

I'm trying not to break apart
because of this ache in my battered heart,
trying so hard not to slip,
but I am losing my grip...

The chronic tears I am crying,
I can't stand being a prisoner to this pain,
my scarred soul is dying,
and out comes the razor to punish again...

I'm trying to hold on tight,
but I am losing my will to fight,
fading with the light,
dying with all my might...

I am just so broken,
in such horrible disrepair,
in these words I have spoken,
my utter despair...

I am trying not to lose sight,
of the last bit of life's light,
but I'm losing it tonight,
I am so far from being alright....

I'm dying so quickly inside,
I can't stop thinking suicide...

Glorious Day

Glorious Day

I had a late night of crying
Only thinking about dieing.
For hours all I could do was weep.
But then I had a good nights sleep.
No barking dogs or interruption.
No new housing construction.

Had a hot cup of de-caf Joe.
Gonna take the day real slow.
Took a steaming hot shower
Then got dressed, taking well over an hour.
Lookin good with my new shoes on my feet.
My make-up even looks sweet.

Satisfied with what I’d done
It was time to have some fun.
Called up my good friend Jen
And of course she was down to sin.
She brought the chronic
Now we’re feeling bionic.

So, today is a glorious day.
No suicidal thoughts
Or cuts to my wrist.
No burning scars,
Or feeling like I’m living on Mars.

The whole day went by
without me thinking about ways to die.
No suicide by cop,
No gun to my head,
No wishing I were dead.

Went to the store and found a good deal,
So I didn’t have to steal.
Didn’t feel abused or over used.
Didn’t have to cuss anybody out
Had no feeling of doubt.

Stopped by the liquor store for a bottle of brew,
Where we picked up another member of our crew.
Rolling through town, I ran through an intersection
But the cops didn’t even look in my direction.
With my friends in the car
I was feeling like a star.

My mind fully drenched
The memories of the past temporarily quenched.
Stopped off the picked up 3 guys,
I got the one with big blue eyes.
They followed up back to Jen’s house,
Where everything worked out.

It made my strong heart weak
When he placed a little kiss on my cheek.
Dammed for an eternity of sin
I let a little dribble down my chin.
Today was like a dream
Eating good tasting diet ice cream.

So, today is a glorious day.
No suicidal thoughts
Or cuts to my wrist.
No burning scars,
Or feeling like I’m living on Mars.

The whole day went by
without me thinking about ways to die.
No suicide by cop,
No gun to my head,
No wishing I were dead.

All day fighting against the notion
Of feeling the cold metallic motion.
Adrenaline flowing,
I had to keep going.
Staying awake by driving down well-known streets,
The native air is pure and sweet.
It’s past 3 in the morning,
And I should be home snoring.

All alone back at my place
I laid on my bed and stared off into space.
Heavy eyelids drooping low
For the day I had let my past go.
Far from the ocean and streams
My mind is swept into the land of dreams.

So, today is a glorious day.
No suicidal thoughts
Or cuts to my wrist.
No burning scars,
Or feeling like I’m living on Mars.

The whole day went by
without me thinking about ways to die.
No suicide by cop,
No gun to my head,
No wishing I were dead.

One Less Pill to Take

Since around January 2006, I’ve been taking a medicine my doctor prescribed for my diabetic ‘lazy stomach’ called Reglan or the generic name Metoclopram. It increases the muscle contractions in my upper digestive tract, which speeds up the rate at which my stomach empties into the intestines. It also helps with the nausea, vomiting, and heartburn, that taking some of my other medicines cause.

Anyway, about 10 days ago, I stopped taking the medicine, mostly because I was too fucking lazy to get off my ass and get the prescription filled again. After not taking the medicine for three days, I noticed a drastic change in my mood. Most of my suicidal thoughts that I’ve been having for around two years now, disappeared. At first I thought it was just because I was about to go through another manic phase, but it felt very different this time.

As more days pass the better my moods seem to be, and I feel my mind is a lot clearer now. The best part is my insomnia seems to be disappearing...well at least for now anyway. I’m not totally sure it’s because I stopped taking the Reglan, but I’m going to go without it for another week and see if it continues to make a difference in how I feel daily.

Before I posted this I decided to google Reglan and see what I could find out...guess I might be right. I found out that it can cause depression, and since I already have depression its making it worse. The other thing I found out is that I should have only taken the medicine for 12 weeks...I’ve been on the shit for 2 fucking years!!

Here is some of the things I found out:

Most important fact about Reglan (in big bold lettering)

Reglan may cause mild to severe depression. If you have suffered from depression in the past, make sure your doctor is aware of it. Reglan may not be the best drug for you.

Get emergency medical help if you have any of these signs of an allergic reaction: hives; difficulty breathing; swelling of your face, lips, tongue, or throat. Stop using Reglan and call your doctor at once if you have any of these serious side effects:

tremors, or restless muscle movements in your eyes, tongue, jaw, or neck;
mask-like appearance of the face;
fever, stiff muscles, confusion, sweating, fast or uneven heartbeats, rapid breathing;
depressed mood, thoughts of suicide or hurting yourself;
hallucinations, anxiety, agitation, jittery feeling, trouble staying still;
swelling, fluid retention;
jaundice (yellowing of your skin or eyes); or
seizure (convulsions)
feeling restless, drowsy, tired, or dizzy;
headache, sleep problems (insomnia);
nausea, diarrhea;
breast tenderness or swelling;
changes in your menstrual periods; or
urinating more than usual.

Okay, so I now have this choice to make, stay on the drug to help with calming my stomach down, but I would still have to deal with all the side effects. On the other hand, I do without the drug and let my stomach do whatever it wants and not have to deal with all the side effects. I’m just not sure what I should do. For now it feels good to not have sucidial thoughts.