Monday, December 20, 2010

Storm of Emotions

My fuse is short.... If you light it... You better run fast.
Kill them with kindness... Kill them with kindness... Kill them with kind.. Kill them with... Kill them... Kill them!!

SOMEBODY! Grant me the serenity to accept the fact that some people are ignorant, the courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile, and the wisdom to realize that murder is illegal.

If it moves shoot it.
I envision bones snapping, and I enjoy the sound.

Sometimes I forget this site is my therapy, especially when things are moving along in the ‘normal’ direction. I guess it’s like the people who attend AA or NA, you have to keep going or it stops working.

It’s around 2am, and for the 4th day in a row, I can’t sleep, so I need to return to the one thing that was giving me some sort of peace... My writing.

For the past several days I have experienced extreme anger that boils up from somewhere deep inside my lower stomach and crawls it way into my thoughts. Then comes the slap across my face as homicidal and suicidal thoughts destroy my mind. Everyone that pisses me off in the wrong way, has my mind envisioning the most violent thoughts a person can have.

Only those who deserve it.
Hung with care, will the police soon be there?

6 million ways to die.
Push someone ‘accidentally’ in front of traffic?
Maybe a little rat poison in their food?
Hold their head under water...
Slice their throat?
Baseball bat to the back of their head?
Will it end in suicide?

My brain has locked on and seized this one particular thought so tightly that I can’t seem to be able to let it go without doing something ‘stupid’ to unfreeze my brain. These strange thoughts terrify me, and at times I’m afraid that my forbidden thoughts may become so powerful that they break out and I act on these thoughts. It’s wreaking havoc on my mental health.

I dream horrid dreams, and often mutter unmentionable thoughts... so pay no attention to me as I casual stroll by.

Tomorrow I have to get out of town and go ‘stalk’ someone if that is what is needed to bring me out of this state of mind before Christmas arrives.


Joe Cap said...

Sometimes I am not sure how much of your writing is prose, and how much of it contains your actual thoughts...

MsPsycho said...

Lack of sleep often produces some atypical writing. I'll try to do better after I get some sleep.

Joe Cap said...

Oh, you already do great. I WANT you to get some sleep because it is good for you. I am also just a wee bit concerned about you, I hope you are all right.

artquest1 said...

I was struck (especially) by the paragraph in your latest post that begins,"For the past several days . . ." It is so charged and evocative, and if you are serious when you say, "the one thing that was giving me some sort of peace... My writing." that paragraph might well be a good jumping off place. Can you use the imagery it contains and the actions and passions it releases into some sort of fictional piece? Again, I am not a mental health expert nor a therapist, and if that is a dangerous avenue to explore, it might not be a good thing, but using that passion,anger and "verbal drawing" in a piece of fiction might help give it a safer form.
I'd really enjoy seeing you write again.

MsPsycho said...

Thanks Joe. I'm alright....sorta. I finally got a few hours of sleep, so my thoughts have shifted more towards 'normal'.

Bob, thank you for stopping by. I'm working on a story, hopefully I'll finish it before Christmas and post it on here. You're right. That paragraph would be a great way to start a story. I'll have to give it some thought.

Hope you guys have a wonderful day!