Impulsive Acts

I sometimes act impulsively because it gives me immediate relief from my emotional pain.

I want to write about what happened to me on Wednesday the 7th, and say that was what caused me to dip into this out of control spiral, that I feel I have fallen into. But I’m not sure that would be the truth. I think it began several days before, but this time I just didn’t recognize the signs.   

Most of the time I come off as seemly ‘normal’. But then there are the times, especially when I’m under stress, that I can no longer hide behind my mask of sanity. I will completely lose all contact with reality, and during this time, I am unable to predict even my own behavior. I will feel rage instead of annoyance, and at other times I will turn that rage on myself.

After days of swinging back and forth on a giant swing, that holds mania at the peak and major depression going backwards, I’ve started thinking of unusually ways to regulate how I’m feeling. If I can’t regulate how I feel, I will shut down completely. At this moment, that is where I am at.

I want to cut myself deep enough that a part of me can be removed, then I can throw that part of me away, and hope something new will grow in its place. I wish it was that simple. With a effortless twist of shinny blade, all my defaults, errors, mistakes, could then be thrown into the garbage. 

Shocking and alarming Thoughts

Society turned me into a disease.

Sometimes I feel like I want to do the craziest of things.

You know, like killing something or someone just to watch it die.

Spit open its stomach and feel the hand warming sensation of ruby red blood as it slowly drains from your victims body.

Sometimes I hear voices and they tell me to do things.

Where darkness stands defiant to the break of day.

You spend a lifetime of walking...but where did you go?

I relive the past. I feel the past.

I have such vivid, painful memories, flashbacks, if you will.

I can almost feel 'their' hands painfully squeezing me.

I can even sometimes smell the stench around me.

Contemplating suicide.

You wish you were already dead as you hold the gun up to your head.

I want to take him and string him up by the hind

quarters like a deer being hung up and skinned.

I want him to be alive as I run the sharp knife blade down his stomach to his nut sack.

I just like to watch sometimes.

More weird shit…I’m hooked on watching violent pornography.

I’m not gay but I like watching a man get fucked hard in the ass.

I like watching the pain on his face.

Antisocial personality with intermittent psychotic decompensation.