Bitch Please! Get Down on Your Mother Fucking Knees!

Bitch please!
Get down on your motherfucking knees!

At any other time those words might mean I'm about to have a little fun...lol.  But not this time.


Waiting. I was never the patience type. Especially when it comes to possible bad news. It stresses me thinking about all the most horrible outcomes.

Might want to duck when I drive through town.
Yeah I’m about to act like a clown.
Doing a drive by
Playing tag with Satan.

Don’t give me no shit.
I’m gonna get’re done and split. 


It’s been a really rough in the past 30 days. I thought about going on that shooting spree only about 10 times or so. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being punched in the gut...just wish I could get it to stop.

It all started with my dryer going out. Okay. No big deal. I’ve got a little extra money saved just in case something goes wrong with ... Life. Three hundred dollars, and same day delivery, I had a good, but used dryer.

The next Friday, I had plans to take my 05 Equinox into the shop for some routine maintenance on the fluids. When I get there I tell the service guy that I’ve also been having problems with my air conditioner not working correctly. Never mention things like that unless you’ve got more money!

The air conditioner has a bad leak and needs to be replace. Good news is the repairs are covered under my extended warranty I purchased. They covered around one thousand dollars, and I was left with around a two hundred and eighty dollar bill, which included a forty dollar oil change. Just breathe, I remind myself.

A week later, I’m driving around town and I notice my car is not acting right. I stop at Wal-Mart and I shut my car off, get out, and I can still hear a fan or something under the hood running. I re-start my car and the noise stops. Okay. No problem, but it sets my mind running a thousand different scenarios on what the problem could possible be. I go inside to do my weekly shopping, come back out and the car starts with no noise, no sensors on, so I drive back home safely.

A couple days later I have to pick up a few forgotten items from the last trip, so off to Wal-Mart I go again. My Suv is fine on the drive there, but on the way back, I can hear that strange sound again coming from under my hood as I head the mile or so back up the highway. As I near the main light in town, I see the turn lane signal turning red and I begin braking more. My car suddenly begins cutting out, so I quickly jump back into the straight lane and keep going straight so I can go the back way to my house without possibly breaking down in the middle of the highway. I make it to the next exit and get off the main highway. As I near the stop my car begins to cut out again, so I pause and after making sure if was clear, I quickly turn towards my place. I round the corner and I see my check engine light come on. FUCK!

As my world spins out of control, I get dizzy.

I quickly pull over and my car dies the second I come to a complete stop. I turn the car off and begin searching for my phone. I can hear the fan running as it tries to cool off the engine. My friend is gone into Tulsa, my son is at work, and the extra car at my house is in need of some serious repairs before it can be driven. I call my son back, who works just up the road at our Wal-Mart, and he finally manages to talk his supervisor into letting him take a early break so he could come help me.

Almost 20 minutes had passed, and the noise that it was making had stopped after about 5 minutes of running, so I decide to try starting my car. It sounded like it was running normally, and since I was less than a mile from my house, I decided to chance driving the short distance. Half way there I come up to one more stop. Just as I’m about to stop, the gauge that shows my car was overheating came on, and so did that noise. I only had 5 blocks to go, so I took the chance and rounded the corner. I was speeding a little as I passed a local officer on patrol, but thankfully he looked the other way and didn’t really feel like fucking with me. (Thank you!) I was already stressed enough. Along with having low blood sugar at the point, it might not have been a good day for either of us.

I get home and call my tow service to tell them about the problem. A few hours later a wrecker shows up and tows my car back to the dealership for repairs. I hoping whatever is wrong, it will again be covered under my extended warranty. Fingers crossed! Late the next day, I hear good news...sorta. My thermostat is out and needs replaced, but it’s covered under warranty. They replace the thermostat and take it for a test drive. A few hours later, I’m expecting the call that my car is ready and I’ll only have to pay the $100 deductible. NO! I also have a plugged radiator. It’s plug supposedly because the fluids needed change.

Remember to breathe, I have to repeatedly remind myself. Repair bill $980 fucking dollars. Breathe! Repairs are done the next day. I drive away with the radio at more than half volume.

It’s about 12 miles going south, straight down highway 75, and then another mile and I’m home. Barely! The car is overheating again and I’m just able to make to my driveway. I call the dealership and they apologize over and over before sending a tow truck back to pick up the vehicle again!

“He fucking hates me!”

(Hold on, let me get my head right. Deep, deep breath.)

Later that afternoon, my 18 year-old son begins telling me he has to have one hundred and thirty dollars for football speed and strength camp. He had the sign-up paper for weeks, but had forgot to let me know so I could plan for the expense. The money had to be turned in the next day or the price would go up another fifty dollars! Okay. It’s going to be a little tight for a while, but I’ll do alright.

To no one in particular... FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU!

At this point, I’m ready to explode. It’s the weekend, so why not do a little drinking to help me unwind!  Late that evening, around 9:30pm, I fix one drink, but I am barely able to finish it because my stomach which was already doing flip flops, now begins to turn sideways. I stop drinking. Around 1am,  I slowly made my way into the comfort of my dark bedroom. My stomach continues to make strange noises as I attempt to sleep. Around 3 am, I finally drift off into a deep sleep, but only 20 minutes into my slumber, my stomach decides it can no longer handle the tossing of fluids around inside my gut.

I’m thinking to myself as I’m rushing to the bathroom, holding in my cheeks the disgusting liquid that has filled my throat to it’s maximum, that there is no way I drank enough to make myself sick. Violently the contents of my stomach explode into the toilet until I felt I could no longer breathe. The vile taste in my mouth remained as I slowly made my way back to bed for what I was hoping would be the end of a horrible day.

I took a few sips of water from a bottle that sat on my side table and laid back down to rest. Within 30 seconds after the water hit my stomach, I was rocked with a wave of nausea and knew it was not going to remain in my stomach. I jumped up quickly, afraid that I wasn’t going to make it on time. On my second step, I turned a little hard on my bad left knee. I heard a loud pop and then a crunching sound, followed by extreme pain.(I broke a couple bones in my knee and tore my ACL a little more.)

ReMembEr to breAthe!! Pain is rocking my body, as vile chunks of liquid seek an escape from my body. Death would be a very welcomed visitor at this point. I’m begging for it to end!

The rest of the night I continue to throw-up until I’m only puking that yellow bile, nasty, yuck stuff. I try drinking water because I feel and look dehydrated, but I can‘t hold anything down. I’m just glad I had a large trashcan beside my bed.

The next morning I’m awaken by the dealership calling about my car and they tell me they flushed the lines and refilled the antifreeze. No charge. About time for some good news. But I’m still sick and I can’t seem to wake myself up. I send a friend and my son to go pick the car up. He tells me it drove fine on the way back. Okay. Good! Now I’m going back sleep because my body feels like I’ve been run over and smashed with heavy machinery.

I sleep the entire day on Saturday. I can’t seem to make myself wake up. I can’t eat. I can’t drink anything. So I lay there drifting in and out until around 10 am on Sunday. I’m beginning to feel a little better, so I attempt to drink a small amount of water. By the end of the day, I managed to hold down one bottle of water, but I have no energy. I haven’t ate in two days and I’m scared to eat. 

By Wednesday, I’m feeling well enough to make a trip back out to the store,  even though I can barely walk and I still hadn’t gained all my strength back. I go drive the 2 miles to Wal-Wart and then swing around another mile to my pharmacy to pick up some meds. As I’m waiting for them to run my insurance through on some meds, I hear that sound of the fan running again. Five minutes later I pull away and the sound continues. I quickly return the finally mile back to my house and pull in the driveway just as the check engine light comes on.

Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! The song lyrics repeatedly splashed across my thoughts.

It was too late for them to check the car, so it had to wait until the next day to be looked at. They call me around noon  last  Friday and tell me the head gasket maybe bad and it’s going to cost around $1000 dollars in repairs, but first they have to send the part off to another shop and it will be at least until the following Tuesday before they will know the total cost.

Breathe! Fuck breathing!  I want to choke a motherfucker!

Maybe I shouldn’t let’em know what I think.
But they need to find the bodies before they begin to stink.

Today they finally called me back and gave me the news that the repairs cost around $2000 dollars at this point because the head is warped and the gaskets need to be replaced. The only good news is the repairs MIGHT be covered by my warranty, but they won’t know until tomorrow. 

I need a little more of what’s right and little less of what’s left.

After all these problem, I decided to do a little research online about my 05 Equinox. Apparently a lot of people have had the same problem with their SUV’s, and believe it maybe a defect with the vehicle. Seems like to me GM is aware of these problems with the Equinox but they refuse to do anything about the problem. Hmmm.

I have now forgot how to breathe!
Loose cannon, going bi-polar.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a video game, and some motherfucker is getting his jollies by seeing how far he can push me before I snap. I can fully envision how easy it would be to go on a killing spree, removing from society those who have fucked with me.  


To get rid of some of the stress, earlier I decided to clean out the garage. I'm moving things around, dragging my bad leg with me, sweeping down cobwebs from spiders that probably died years ago, re-stacking my stored Christmas decorations, until I'm starting to get a little warm. I turn on the stero in the garage and start moving some 70 pound steel hand weights up against a wall. I put the larger ones on bottom and then I go to stack a 30 pound weight on top. I'm doing this rather quickly, trying to work up a good sweat, so I'm not really paying attention and I smash the tip my left ring finger in between the 70 and 30 pound weight.


Pain surges through my body. The tip of my finger instantly turns a dark shade and blood pools under my nail. Fuck! is the only word that escapes my mouth. Over and over I repeat the word. Sweat forms on my forehead. I hold my breath.

Breathe... Sometimes I want to forget how to breathe in the air necessary for life.
Slowly let myself fade away until no one knows I ever existed.
Today is one of those days.


Wish I could rewind this month.

I know they think I’m the one.
And I’m sorry, but what I’ve done can’t be undone.

I wish their were no rules
So I would have nothing to lose.

Hide the Keys to the Gun Case

I’m just a girl who doesn’t know who she is
Because the mind I once had, suddenly became his.

For all I really know, I might not even exist.
That’s one of the reason I sometimes cut my wrist.

If I wake up tomorrow and I don’t know who I am,
Will anyone tell me if they give a damn?

Maybe some friendly person will take pity on my soul,
And tell me all the things that will make my mind whole.

*********************
The truth is they will just let me parade around like a delusional person trying to find something I lost a long time ago.
*********************

Light Up a Smoke and Stick Around for Awhile

Today my thoughts are running around in all the wrong directions. I tossed and turned for almost 6 hours of sleep before I couldn’t stand laying in bed for another minute because of the pain in my knees. I started going to psychical therapy last week to learn new exercises to help strengthen the muscles around my knees, so I can prepare for surgery in a few more months down the line. I’m told I have to have total knee replacements if I ever want to walk without pain again. Not sure if I want to go through all that. Still, the therapy seems to be helping with some of the relentless pain.

To help take my mind away from the unbending pain, I began pondering things like, ‘What would happen if I ....” Soon the thoughts turned intrusive and bore deep into my recesses of my mind, and hung around like open sore that you keep picking at. Here is a few things my mind explored today.


I wonder what would happen if I ...

If I... Walked down a road with heavy traffic rushing by at 65mph, and I ‘stumbled’ in front of the passing cars, would the firemen come to wash away all the blood?

If I ... Found the tallest building in Tulsa and went to the roof to jump off, would anyone care enough to stop me?

If I... Picked up my hammer and smashed my computer into a thousand pieces, then threw it out into the street, would other people understand?

If I ... I saw someone wearing a bullet proof vest, could I aim for their head or crotch and still be able to kill them?

If I ...walked into the store and got an overwhelming urge to smash all the eggs on the floor, would I have to clean it up?

If I ... Swam down into the deepest water, could I make it back to the top in time?

If I... Took a baseball bat to the police station and just went crazy breaking all the windows in their new patrol cars, would I kick them in the nuts when they try to arrest me?

If I ... Burned something, could it be put back together?

If I... Interrupted Obama during one of his speeches, would I be tasered?

If I ... Stab myself, will I survive?

If I ... Stuck my hand in the garbage disposal, would it hurt?

If I ... Used an assault rifle, how many could I kill before someone stopped me?

If I ... Closed my eyes while driving, and pushed the gas pedal down a little harder, would I wreck?

If I ... Jump off a tall building, would that end the fear of me falling?

If I... Carry out one of these urges, will I find myself levitating with a extreme mood lift and accompanying euphoria?

Quote:
Others may think you are crazy,
but it is the genius inside you that is giving you those thoughts.
Let your crazy thoughts come and success will follow.

Other things I keep thinking about...

I keep thinking, “If I didn’t love them... I would put them out of their misery.”

As I stood behind a man at Wal-Mart, I thought about picking up one of the steak knives in my shopping cart and plunging it into the middle of his back because I felt he was looking at a little girl in the wrong way.

I saw a highway patrolman and couldn’t stop myself from following him into Q-trip, just so I could think about how it would be to take his life with my bare hands.


Acknowledging the darker, evil part of my human psyche... It exist within us all.

Being aware of the evil within allows me to control it, rather than merely ignoring it and letting it fester through my being to the point where it can overwhelm me when I loose control.

Once you get right deep down into the core of a persons being, we're all evil, malignant assholes who probably deserve to die.

Just how else could humanity come to sit at the top of the global food chain? Only by being the smartest, toughest, most bloodthirsty motherfuckers on this rock.

Can I control these intrusive thoughts?
Can I trust my own mind not to do something stupid?
One thing is that I am usually too damn busy or lazy to act on them, but of course if I get a day when I’m not tired, or busy... Then the world better watch out.

I’ll be alright, as long as the breaks don’t fail.

*************************
My court is tomorrow. I was hoping I could come up with enough money to pay the damn ticket before having to appear, but it looks like I'll have to make payment arraignments. Damn I hate fucking court! Too much stress. I don't do good with stress. Guess, I'll just have to come prepared.

Walking Through a Wet Tunnel

I want to do something insane like: robbing a bank; stealing everything from someone else’s house; breaking into a store and looting everything I see, even if its something I don’t really want or need, I just want to take it anyway, and try to make it mine.

I want to end my life by driving my car into a head on collision with some unknown victim, knowing I will be punishing them for some past crime that they committed. Maybe a good confrontation with law enforcement will send my senses in another direction. Maybe I'll go on a violent rampage.

I want to cut my arm in one hundred different places, just to watch the blood drip down from my arm, so I will know that I am alive. I want to run butt ass naked through the sprinklers in front of the fire department, fat fully exposed, boobs flapping in the wind, then be able to snap my fingers and disappear to another time and place.

I stare incoherently at the computer screen before me, suddenly realizing I’ve read the above paragraphs a dozen time trying to figure out its meaning. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I feel so lost. I can’t concentrate, and my body feels alien to me. I want this feeling to go away...NOW!

I feel highly sensitive to taste, smell, but mostly touch. I don’t want to feel anything on my skin. I feel the need to have the outer layers removed, discarded like old trash. New flesh, replacing the old and worn out.

I can feel: every foreign thread in my underwear; every single whisper of hair heavily brushing against the back of my neck; the breathing of air moving in and out of my nasal passageway. I feel the freshly washed white tee-shirt caressing my soft nipples; the blood flowing through my veins, in a steady rush to get somewhere.

I walk with eyes lowered, not wanting to see the flawed world around me. Dressing in black, to appear as a shadow, hoping the world for one day won’t see me.

I don’t want to be touched. It sets off too many emotions, feelings I don’t want to experience. It makes me feel ill today.

Should I listen to the voices and do as they instruct? I haven’t slept in over 37 hours and counting.

What more is expected of me? I’ve done all I can, and things seem to be only getting worse. When do they get better? Deep down inside, I know they don’t like me.

Lights...there are too many. It’s too bright outside, inside I want the lights down low.

Strong odors invade my entire being, clinging to every hair follicle.

Too much clutter! Things are out of place, just have too much stuff.

Can’t seem to unwind. Moods jumping and rapidly changing from minute to minute.

Want to leave all this stimuli behind. Got to leave, got to run, just need to get away from it all.

Sheriff's Deputy Kills Six in Rampage

CRANDON, Wis. (Oct. 7) - An off-duty sheriff's deputy went on a shooting rampage early Sunday at a home where seven young people had gathered for pizza and movies, killing six and critically injuring the other before authorities took him down, officials said.

The gunman, Tyler Peterson, was 20 years old and worked full-time as a Forest County deputy sheriff and part-time as a Crandon police officer, said Police Chief John Dennee. Three of the victims were students at the small town's high school, and three were recent graduates, a school official said.

The gunman may have graduated from the same high school. Peterson was not working at the time of the shooting, Sheriff Keith Van Cleve said. The survivor was hospitalized in nearby Marshfield, Dennee said. A Crandon police officer who fired back was treated for minor injuries and released.

Gary Bradley, mayor of the city of about 2,000, said earlier Sunday that the suspect had been brought down by a sniper, but Van Cleve would not confirm that officers shot the suspect. It wasn't immediately clear what the gunman's motive was, but the mother of a 14-year-old victim said the suspect may have been a jealous boyfriend.

The shooting occurred in a white, two-story duplex about a block from downtown Crandon. "It was a pizza and movie party," Dennee said. Three of the victims were Crandon High School students, said schools Superintendent Richard Peters, and the other three had graduated within the past three years.

"There is probably nobody in Crandon who is not affected by this," Peters said, adding that students would be especially affected. "They are going to wake up in shock and disbelief and a lot of pain." Peters did not know whether Peterson had also graduated from the 300-student high school. But Crandon resident Karly Johnson, 16, said that she knew the gunman and that he had helped her in a tech education class.

"He graduated with my brother," she said. "He was nice. He was an average guy. Normal. You wouldn't think he could do that."

One of the dead was 14-year-old Lindsey Stahl, said her mother, Jenny Stahl, 39. She said her daughter called her Saturday night and asked whether she could sleep over at a friend's house. Jenny Stahl agreed.

"I'm waiting for somebody to wake me up right now. This is a bad, bad dream," the weeping mother said. "All I heard it was a jealous boyfriend and he went berserk. He took them all out."

Marci Franz, 35, who lives two houses south of the duplex, said gunshots awoke her. "I heard probably five or six shots, a short pause and then five or six more," she said. "I wasn't sure if it was gunfire initially. I thought some kids were messing around and hitting a nearby metal building." Then she heard eight louder shots and tires squealing, she said. "I was just about to get up and call it in, and I heard sirens," she said. "There's never been a tragedy like this here.

There's been individual incidents, but nothing of this magnitude." Her husband, David Franz, 36, said it was hard to accept that someone in law enforcement committed such an act. "The first statement we said to each other was, how did he get through the system?" David Franz said. "How do they know somebody's background, especially that young? It is disturbing, to say the least."

The sheriff said he would meet with state Attorney General J.B. Van Hollen on Monday morning to discuss the case. Dennee said the state Department of Criminal Investigation will handle the case because the suspect was a deputy and officer. The Crandon School District called off classes Monday.

The community, about 225 miles north of Milwaukee in an area known for logging and outdoor activities, is facing a trying time but is pulling together, Bradley said. "We are a strong community. We always have been," he said. "This is agonizing, but we will prevail."


Full story and pictures ....http://news.aol.com/story/ar/_a/sheriffs-deputy-kills-six-in-rampage/20071007163409990001