Saturday, May 21, 2011

15 Minutes to Live

Is it The End of the World?

According to some predictions I now have less than 2 hours to live, and out of all the things I could be doing, I have chosen to write down a few last thoughts.

I woke up around 9am after the pain in my arm began to become so severe, that I was forced out of bed to retrieve some over the counter pain medication. I swallowed the two pills with a sip a water from a bottle that sat on my dresser, then I sat down on the edge of my bed so I could put on my knee brace. I hate wearing the damn thing, but since it's my last day to live, I thought I would do one of the top things I enjoy doing in life, gardening. But, I can’t dig without having my knee supported, so I pulled the thing up over my calf muscle, up to my knee and tightened down the straps. 

I love planting flowers, especially the ones that can be cut and brought inside. But I also like the process of starting the plants from seed and the digging into the dark, rich soil with my bare hands. The aroma of the earth for me is intoxicating and so relaxing that I could almost lay down in it for a short nap. It’s almost better than the bubble bath that I always take after a long day of gardening.

Today felt strange the very second I walked out to my garden. Everybody in my neighborhood was outside doing something or the other, but I guess that is to be expected when the world is about to end. I could hear all of them chatting loudly to each other, but I could not make out what they were saying. I smiled as I briefly looked up at the beautiful sun shinning just above my head, and giggled a little at the idea that my life might be over in just a few short hours.

I pushed the thought away and began digging up the large flower bed that I share with my neighbor. The pills that had taken earlier had finally kicked in, making my arm feel numb to any pain, so I began pushing myself harder and faster as I dug up the earth. After digging up a corner section, I began bending down and breaking up the larger chunks of earth with my hands. The bending up and down quickly made me feel dizzy and I had to stop for a few minutes to recover.

I went inside for a drink of water and grabbed a washrag to wipe the sweat from my face. This Oklahoma heat had sweat pouring from all possible places on my body. I took a couple more sips and then I headed back out the door to do some more digging. The moment I stepped outside, I began hearing sirens blaring from a short distance away. I began digging in another corner of the garden as I continued to listen to the sounds echoing throughout town.  When one would stop, another would begin. I don’t know if there was some emergency nearby, or maybe they too were just preparing for the end of the world. Whatever it was, it was beginning to make me feel nauseous, but I pushed on though the discomfort I was feeling.

I spent a little over 2 hours digging up the soil and removing all the grass roots, before I was able to plant several packages of various sunflowers along the back of the garden. In the front of the sunflowers, I planted purple cone flowers, foxglove, asters, zinnias, dahlias, balsam, a variety of mixed cut flowers, and finally in front I placed several Lily's that I had started indoors a few months ago. If the predictions come true, I’ll never get to see what it will all looks like, but I still smile when I think about the possibilities.

I wanted to stay outside longer, but the sound of the sirens blaring loudly forced me to retreat inside for that nice relaxing bubble bath. I carefully removed the brace from my leg that was now soaked with sweat and let it drop on the floor with the dirty clothes I had already taken off. A jolt of pain ripped through my body as if I had been shocked. I massaged my knee gently, seeking some sort of relief from the intense pain, but I found no relief until I slipped into the warm relaxing tub of water. Instantly, I was able to block out all the distractions that were going on around me, which helped me to relax enough that the pain I was feeling finally stopped.

I laid in the tub until my body began to feel cold. It was then, that the sound of the sirens returned. From outside I could hear more sirens, sounding even closer than before. Over the sounds I could hear people shouting and screaming. Fears that maybe they were right about the world ending, I quickly got dressed and headed out my front door to find out what was going on.

Near my garden I could see my next door neighbor and other emergency personal standing around. There were two paramedics doing CPR on a woman laying on the ground. I rushed over to see what was going on. My neighbor had tears in her eyes, and several of the emergency people were starting to walk away, shaking their head sadly.

I started asking people what was going on, but no one seemed to know. They just stood there looking down at the woman on the ground. It was then that I looked down and saw the person on the ground. I began shaking my head back and forth. It couldn’t be true. I wasn’t suppose to die until 6pm with the rest of the world. I had a few more hours to live. It wasn’t fair.

The sound of the sirens stopped and the people outside went back to their homes. As a bright light appeared from the sky, I began floating slowly above the ground. I looked down at my garden and saw all the beautiful flowers and smiled.

I still wonder if the world when end  at 6pm... Guess I’ll never know.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Bitch Please! Get Down on Your Mother Fucking Knees!

Bitch please!
Get down on your motherfucking knees!

At any other time those words might mean I'm about to have a little  But not this time.

Waiting. I was never the patience type. Especially when it comes to possible bad news. It stresses me thinking about all the most horrible outcomes.

Might want to duck when I drive through town.
Yeah I’m about to act like a clown.

Doing a drive by
Playing tag with Satan.

Don’t give me no shit.
I’m gonna get’re done and split. 

It’s been a really rough in the past 30 days. I thought about going on that shooting spree only about 10 times or so. I’m tired of feeling like I’m being punched in the gut...just wish I could get it to stop.

It all started with my dryer going out. Okay. No big deal. I’ve got a little extra money saved just in case something goes wrong with ... Life. Three hundred dollars, and same day delivery, I had a good, but used dryer.

The next Friday, I had plans to take my 05 Equinox into the shop for some routine maintenance on the fluids. When I get there I tell the service guy that I’ve also been having problems with my air conditioner not working correctly. Never mention things like that unless you’ve got more money!

The air conditioner has a bad leak and needs to be replace. Good news is the repairs are covered under my extended warranty I purchased. They covered around one thousand dollars, and I was left with around a two hundred and eighty dollar bill, which included a forty dollar oil change. Just breathe, I remind myself.

A week later, I’m driving around town and I notice my car is not acting right. I stop at Wal-Mart and I shut my car off, get out, and I can still hear a fan or something under the hood running. I re-start my car and the noise stops. Okay. No problem, but it sets my mind running a thousand different scenarios on what the problem could possible be. I go inside to do my weekly shopping, come back out and the car starts with no noise, no sensors on, so I drive back home safely.

A couple days later I have to pick up a few forgotten items from the last trip, so off to Wal-Mart I go again. My Suv is fine on the drive there, but on the way back, I can hear that strange sound again coming from under my hood as I head the mile or so back up the highway. As I near the main light in town, I see the turn lane signal turning red and I begin braking more. My car suddenly begins cutting out, so I quickly jump back into the straight lane and keep going straight so I can go the back way to my house without possibly breaking down in the middle of the highway. I make it to the next exit and get off the main highway. As I near the stop my car begins to cut out again, so I pause and after making sure if was clear, I quickly turn towards my place. I round the corner and I see my check engine light come on. FUCK!

As my world spins out of control, I get dizzy.

I quickly pull over and my car dies the second I come to a complete stop. I turn the car off and begin searching for my phone. I can hear the fan running as it tries to cool off the engine. My friend is gone into Tulsa, my son is at work, and the extra car at my house is in need of some serious repairs before it can be driven. I call my son back, who works just up the road at our Wal-Mart, and he finally manages to talk his supervisor into letting him take a early break so he could come help me.

Almost 20 minutes had passed, and the noise that it was making had stopped after about 5 minutes of running, so I decide to try starting my car. It sounded like it was running normally, and since I was less than a mile from my house, I decided to chance driving the short distance. Half way there I come up to one more stop. Just as I’m about to stop, the gauge that shows my car was overheating came on, and so did that noise. I only had 5 blocks to go, so I took the chance and rounded the corner. I was speeding a little as I passed a local officer on patrol, but thankfully he looked the other way and didn’t really feel like fucking with me. (Thank you!) I was already stressed enough. Along with having low blood sugar at the point, it might not have been a good day for either of us.

I get home and call my tow service to tell them about the problem. A few hours later a wrecker shows up and tows my car back to the dealership for repairs. I hoping whatever is wrong, it will again be covered under my extended warranty. Fingers crossed! Late the next day, I hear good news...sorta. My thermostat is out and needs replaced, but it’s covered under warranty. They replace the thermostat and take it for a test drive. A few hours later, I’m expecting the call that my car is ready and I’ll only have to pay the $100 deductible. NO! I also have a plugged radiator. It’s plug supposedly because the fluids needed change.

Remember to breathe, I have to repeatedly remind myself. Repair bill $980 fucking dollars. Breathe! Repairs are done the next day. I drive away with the radio at more than half volume.

It’s about 12 miles going south, straight down highway 75, and then another mile and I’m home. Barely! The car is overheating again and I’m just able to make to my driveway. I call the dealership and they apologize over and over before sending a tow truck back to pick up the vehicle again!

“He fucking hates me!”

(Hold on, let me get my head right. Deep, deep breath.)

Later that afternoon, my 18 year-old son begins telling me he has to have one hundred and thirty dollars for football speed and strength camp. He had the sign-up paper for weeks, but had forgot to let me know so I could plan for the expense. The money had to be turned in the next day or the price would go up another fifty dollars! Okay. It’s going to be a little tight for a while, but I’ll do alright.

To no one in particular... FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU!

At this point, I’m ready to explode. It’s the weekend, so why not do a little drinking to help me unwind!  Late that evening, around 9:30pm, I fix one drink, but I am barely able to finish it because my stomach which was already doing flip flops, now begins to turn sideways. I stop drinking. Around 1am,  I slowly made my way into the comfort of my dark bedroom. My stomach continues to make strange noises as I attempt to sleep. Around 3 am, I finally drift off into a deep sleep, but only 20 minutes into my slumber, my stomach decides it can no longer handle the tossing of fluids around inside my gut.

I’m thinking to myself as I’m rushing to the bathroom, holding in my cheeks the disgusting liquid that has filled my throat to it’s maximum, that there is no way I drank enough to make myself sick. Violently the contents of my stomach explode into the toilet until I felt I could no longer breathe. The vile taste in my mouth remained as I slowly made my way back to bed for what I was hoping would be the end of a horrible day.

I took a few sips of water from a bottle that sat on my side table and laid back down to rest. Within 30 seconds after the water hit my stomach, I was rocked with a wave of nausea and knew it was not going to remain in my stomach. I jumped up quickly, afraid that I wasn’t going to make it on time. On my second step, I turned a little hard on my bad left knee. I heard a loud pop and then a crunching sound, followed by extreme pain.(I broke a couple bones in my knee and tore my ACL a little more.)

ReMembEr to breAthe!! Pain is rocking my body, as vile chunks of liquid seek an escape from my body. Death would be a very welcomed visitor at this point. I’m begging for it to end!

The rest of the night I continue to throw-up until I’m only puking that yellow bile, nasty, yuck stuff. I try drinking water because I feel and look dehydrated, but I can‘t hold anything down. I’m just glad I had a large trashcan beside my bed.

The next morning I’m awaken by the dealership calling about my car and they tell me they flushed the lines and refilled the antifreeze. No charge. About time for some good news. But I’m still sick and I can’t seem to wake myself up. I send a friend and my son to go pick the car up. He tells me it drove fine on the way back. Okay. Good! Now I’m going back sleep because my body feels like I’ve been run over and smashed with heavy machinery.

I sleep the entire day on Saturday. I can’t seem to make myself wake up. I can’t eat. I can’t drink anything. So I lay there drifting in and out until around 10 am on Sunday. I’m beginning to feel a little better, so I attempt to drink a small amount of water. By the end of the day, I managed to hold down one bottle of water, but I have no energy. I haven’t ate in two days and I’m scared to eat. 

By Wednesday, I’m feeling well enough to make a trip back out to the store,  even though I can barely walk and I still hadn’t gained all my strength back. I go drive the 2 miles to Wal-Wart and then swing around another mile to my pharmacy to pick up some meds. As I’m waiting for them to run my insurance through on some meds, I hear that sound of the fan running again. Five minutes later I pull away and the sound continues. I quickly return the finally mile back to my house and pull in the driveway just as the check engine light comes on.

Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! Let the bodies hit the floor! The song lyrics repeatedly splashed across my thoughts.

It was too late for them to check the car, so it had to wait until the next day to be looked at. They call me around noon  last  Friday and tell me the head gasket maybe bad and it’s going to cost around $1000 dollars in repairs, but first they have to send the part off to another shop and it will be at least until the following Tuesday before they will know the total cost.

Breathe! Fuck breathing!  I want to choke a motherfucker!

Maybe I shouldn’t let’em know what I think.
But they need to find the bodies before they begin to stink.

Today they finally called me back and gave me the news that the repairs cost around $2000 dollars at this point because the head is warped and the gaskets need to be replaced. The only good news is the repairs MIGHT be covered by my warranty, but they won’t know until tomorrow. 

I need a little more of what’s right and little less of what’s left.

After all these problem, I decided to do a little research online about my 05 Equinox. Apparently a lot of people have had the same problem with their SUV’s, and believe it maybe a defect with the vehicle. Seems like to me GM is aware of these problems with the Equinox but they refuse to do anything about the problem. Hmmm.

I have now forgot how to breathe!
Loose cannon, going bi-polar.

Sometimes I feel like my life is a video game, and some motherfucker is getting his jollies by seeing how far he can push me before I snap. I can fully envision how easy it would be to go on a killing spree, removing from society those who have fucked with me.  

To get rid of some of the stress, earlier I decided to clean out the garage. I'm moving things around, dragging my bad leg with me, sweeping down cobwebs from spiders that probably died years ago, re-stacking my stored Christmas decorations, until I'm starting to get a little warm. I turn on the stero in the garage and start moving some 70 pound steel hand weights up against a wall. I put the larger ones on bottom and then I go to stack a 30 pound weight on top. I'm doing this rather quickly, trying to work up a good sweat, so I'm not really paying attention and I smash the tip my left ring finger in between the 70 and 30 pound weight.

Pain surges through my body. The tip of my finger instantly turns a dark shade and blood pools under my nail. Fuck! is the only word that escapes my mouth. Over and over I repeat the word. Sweat forms on my forehead. I hold my breath.

Breathe... Sometimes I want to forget how to breathe in the air necessary for life.
Slowly let myself fade away until no one knows I ever existed.
Today is one of those days.

Wish I could rewind this month.

I know they think I’m the one.
And I’m sorry, but what I’ve done can’t be undone.

I wish their were no rules
So I would have nothing to lose.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

This too, shall pass.

Let’s see if I can remember how to do this....
Deep breath!
Another.... Now breathe normal and relax.

I don’t know how to really start this, except to say I’m not dead, or in jail. Psychically I’m fair. Mentally... Well let’s just say that’s where my problem is staying for a extended vacation.

I’ve started so many different stories and thoughts, but I’ve been unable to finish any of them. I tell myself I can write, if I would only focus. But my words get lost before they find their way onto the pages for others to see. 

When I first started this blog, I would walk around all day thinking about what I should write about. Back then, everything was blog material. I could see stories every where I looked. Now, my mind feels absolute blankness. The images are no longer there. I don’t see the story behind the man or woman as they move along with their daily life. Without meaning. It’s as if we are all nothing more than fake images on a computer screen.

It feels pointless to try and change. Why? For what reason should I continue? I’ve been a nobody all my life and I’m sure that’s who I will continue to be. Then I saw this quote the other day....

Don't let your past dictate your future, but let your past be part of what you become.

Deep breath again!... And again...

I enjoy writing. But to return, I have to take care of a few obsessive compulsive behaviors that I have been letting run my life for about the past year. I have to get it under control now that it has reached a peak. If I don’t control it now, it will forever control me. And that’s not the path I want to walk on.

I will return soon. Thanks everyone for hanging around.

This too, shall pass...

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I Want to Write!

I need to write! ....If I can find the time...:(

Monday, January 10, 2011

Looks Like I'm Not Going Anywhere

Well, at least for today... It's snowing outside. Maybe I can find some time to write tonight...