How is it that I know everything there is to know about suicide, but yet I still feel the need to go through with some sort of plan? I've just got to figure out one that will work. I hate thinking about it everyday, but I do, and I can't stop.
Last night after writing about wanting to end my life by overdosing on heroin, I went to bed early (2:00am…early for me anymore), and I just laid there for hours thinking about things. I wondered about what others around me would think…(I'm surprised she hadn't done before now; it was only a matter of time; Not really a surprise at all; etc.) Then I began thinking about what it would be like to O.D. on heroin. Would it really be quiet, and painless? Or would it just fry my brain, leaving me alive suffering forever in my mind? I didn't know for sure, and I hate not knowing something so important, so I did the only logical thing I could do. I got up out of bed and researched it online. After reading a couple of pages at different sites, I decided maybe it would work, if I wanted it to work.
So I walked into my bathroom at the back of the house and sat down on the toilet and prepared a fully loaded needle. Would 500mg heroin be enough? According to the website most people O.D. on that or less, as long as they are not addicted already and have a high tolerance built up. I hadn't used heroin since I was 20, so I felt it should be enough. But what if? There was this small percent that said some people just lose the function of part of their brain and still continue to live. Damn! I couldn't do it because my luck and karma in life says I would be in the 10% chance of surviving an overdose, but then have to live even more fucked up than I am now.
FLUUUSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! $50.00 gone just like that.
I have to find another way. I'm still thinking about it, I just have to find the perfect way.
Showing posts with label heroin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heroin. Show all posts
Saturday, March 11, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Suicide: I'm six feet from the edge.
If I commit suicide, it will not be to destroy myself, but to put myself back together again.
Today I decided on my suicide plan. I’ve never really thought about one before, and I’m not fully sure why I feel the need to have one now, but I can’t put it out of my mind.
I somehow hope that by writing it down and posting it will help me free my mind. Anyway that’s what different therapists have told me over the years, but damn I didn’t even want to talk about the things that happened in my past, let alone write them down and let people from around the world read how fucked up my life was/is. But shit if I don’t get this stuff out of my head I think I’m going to explode.
I’ve been thinking about the past too much over the past 2 years, trying to get everything out of system so that I can supposedly recover from all my unwanted feelings. Writing about things that happened to me in my past sometimes, no most of the time, made me ill to my stomach. And after writing about something really difficult, I barely slept that night, but I somehow managed to write it all down. I’m not sure if I feel free yet, but now I don’t think about the things that were done to me every moment of my day. I’ve let some of it go.
Every time I injured myself in some way in the past, I was usually reacting on the spur of the moment because of some stressful situation that I was facing. I guess that’s where I’m at again, trying to look for the light through the pouring rain. I feel like a failure, and at 40 I’m not sure if change will ever be possible. Sometimes you dig to deep of a hole, you can’t crawl out anymore. Dirt is starting to cave in around my head. I’m tried of fighting, I’ve been fighting depression for years, and I don’t have any fight left.
Now back to my plan. I purchased a large quantity of heroin. I can’t believe how much that shit cost for what little bit you get now days, but I guess it has been almost 20 years since I’ve done any. I almost wasn’t sure it was heroin at first, but after studying it more closely I know it will do the job I want done. The time is not now, so I’m just holding onto it, studying it, wondering. Hell, who knows maybe I’ll just flush it down the toilet, or maybe one morning I just won’t wake up. I think as long as no one tries to force my hand, I’ll be okay. I just want to be left completely alone for a little while.
Today I decided on my suicide plan. I’ve never really thought about one before, and I’m not fully sure why I feel the need to have one now, but I can’t put it out of my mind.
I somehow hope that by writing it down and posting it will help me free my mind. Anyway that’s what different therapists have told me over the years, but damn I didn’t even want to talk about the things that happened in my past, let alone write them down and let people from around the world read how fucked up my life was/is. But shit if I don’t get this stuff out of my head I think I’m going to explode.
I’ve been thinking about the past too much over the past 2 years, trying to get everything out of system so that I can supposedly recover from all my unwanted feelings. Writing about things that happened to me in my past sometimes, no most of the time, made me ill to my stomach. And after writing about something really difficult, I barely slept that night, but I somehow managed to write it all down. I’m not sure if I feel free yet, but now I don’t think about the things that were done to me every moment of my day. I’ve let some of it go.
Every time I injured myself in some way in the past, I was usually reacting on the spur of the moment because of some stressful situation that I was facing. I guess that’s where I’m at again, trying to look for the light through the pouring rain. I feel like a failure, and at 40 I’m not sure if change will ever be possible. Sometimes you dig to deep of a hole, you can’t crawl out anymore. Dirt is starting to cave in around my head. I’m tried of fighting, I’ve been fighting depression for years, and I don’t have any fight left.
Now back to my plan. I purchased a large quantity of heroin. I can’t believe how much that shit cost for what little bit you get now days, but I guess it has been almost 20 years since I’ve done any. I almost wasn’t sure it was heroin at first, but after studying it more closely I know it will do the job I want done. The time is not now, so I’m just holding onto it, studying it, wondering. Hell, who knows maybe I’ll just flush it down the toilet, or maybe one morning I just won’t wake up. I think as long as no one tries to force my hand, I’ll be okay. I just want to be left completely alone for a little while.
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