Saturday, March 11, 2006

I know about suicide.

How is it that I know everything there is to know about suicide, but yet I still feel the need to go through with some sort of plan? I've just got to figure out one that will work. I hate thinking about it everyday, but I do, and I can't stop.

Last night after writing about wanting to end my life by overdosing on heroin, I went to bed early (2:00am…early for me anymore), and I just laid there for hours thinking about things. I wondered about what others around me would think…(I'm surprised she hadn't done before now; it was only a matter of time; Not really a surprise at all; etc.) Then I began thinking about what it would be like to O.D. on heroin. Would it really be quiet, and painless? Or would it just fry my brain, leaving me alive suffering forever in my mind? I didn't know for sure, and I hate not knowing something so important, so I did the only logical thing I could do. I got up out of bed and researched it online. After reading a couple of pages at different sites, I decided maybe it would work, if I wanted it to work.

So I walked into my bathroom at the back of the house and sat down on the toilet and prepared a fully loaded needle. Would 500mg heroin be enough? According to the website most people O.D. on that or less, as long as they are not addicted already and have a high tolerance built up. I hadn't used heroin since I was 20, so I felt it should be enough. But what if? There was this small percent that said some people just lose the function of part of their brain and still continue to live. Damn! I couldn't do it because my luck and karma in life says I would be in the 10% chance of surviving an overdose, but then have to live even more fucked up than I am now.

FLUUUSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! $50.00 gone just like that.

I have to find another way. I'm still thinking about it, I just have to find the perfect way.

1 comment:

imamess26 said...

Your BLOG reflects exactly how I feel on any given day. Isn't it terrible that the thing I put most thought and energy into is my own death?? I think and think each and everyday how can I do this? Will it work? Am I going to screw this and make everyone around me more miserable by having to take care of me if I end up in a coma?? I don't know what to do but I feel slightly better knowing I'm not the only one. If you need to talk, I'll listen even though from experience I know that it won't make you feel any better. Take care