Friday, March 03, 2006

Free My Mind

I was at the tender age of nine at the time. It had been almost a year since the last time my father touched me in any way. Mostly that was due to the fact that I hadn’t allowed myself to be alone with HIM. Most of the time I feared him like my brothers and sisters did, but every now and then the other side of him would appear. At those times, he was so nice it was almost sicken.

I was out walking by myself early one summer morning, when I stayed gone a little longer than I had planned. By the time I got back to the house everyone was gone to town to do shopping, and since I wasn’t there when it was time to go, I was left behind. At first I didn’t mind being alone because I was able to listen to the type of music that my father forbid us to listen to in HIS house when he was around. I should have known better and at least paid attention in case someone returned, but it was my first time playing the music louder than we were aloud to, so I didn’t hear my father’s truck when he returned.

I was immediately met with a hand to the back of my head, which knocked me down to the floor because it had caught me off guard.

“What in the hell are you doing playing the stereo so loud? I told you kids I don’t want you playing with the stereo when I’m not here.”
“I’m sorry”, I said trying to get up off the floor.
“Well, I warned you once, now you’re going to get a spanking.”

Of course tears immediately began falling as I begged not to get spanked, but he pulled me hard by my arm into his bedroom where he always took us when we got a spanking. He sat down on the corner of his bed and then told me to pull down my pants. I began begging and pleading for him to not give me the spanking as tears soaked my face. He finally just grabbed me, pulled down my pants and then he threw me across his lap. After a few seconds when I realize I couldn’t get away from his grasp, I just closed my eyes tightly and waited for the pain to begin. Suddenly he sat me up and gave me a big hug.

“I’m sorry I don’t want to spank you. It hurts me more than it hurts you. I think your problem is you’re not getting enough of my attention. Is that the problem?”

“I don’t know.” I said somewhat confused, but glad for once I wasn’t getting a spanking.
“Well, since you’re my special girl, I’m going to show you what else we can do, and I promise you will like this. Lay back on the bed and spread your legs apart.”
I did what I was told in spite of the fact that it made me feel ill. He tried to put his finger inside me but I pulled away when it hurt.
“I don’t like doing that.”
“Okay we will only do what you like?”
“What do you like?”
“I don’t know.”
“You know your sister and I do this same thing.”
“You do?”
“Yes, we do sometimes. So remember its okay to do this, but just don’t tell anyone, they might get mad because you get to do it and they don’t…okay?”
“Okay.” I thought to myself I didn’t know he was doing these things to my sister, because she never said anything. But I believed him.
“It’s just like your momma and me, we do these things all the time, so it’s okay. Do you ever hear your Momma talking about what we do? No you don’t, because you don’t talk about these things…okay?”
“Let me know if you like this. I bet it will feel good.” He then began licking me for a long time as I laid there not moving.
“Do you like that?” When I didn’t answer he reached up with one hand and squeezed one of my nipples real hard, then he stuck his finger inside of me with force. When I tried to pull away he grabbed me and began licking on me again.
“You like that don’t you?” when again I didn’t answer he began to reach up towards my chest and I felt his fingers starting to enter me. I didn’t want to feel the pain again so I answered.
“Yes, daddy it feels good.”
“Good. We will only do what you like.”

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