Today I hate everything and everybody. People sometimes get on my nerves so bad, that I barely believe that I haven’t gone on a violent killing spree, ending the life of all the worthless, inconsiderate, stupid individuals that care only about themselves and what they can get from others. I’m not going to name names, because I have to deal with these people everyday, but if I do ever snap they are going to be the first ones I open fire on.
Things have been moving along pleasantly enough that I haven’t felt stressed or lost out of my mind since the car accident, until today. Not having enough money to get everyday things done, is my main concern. I often think about robbing a bank or something, but then my reason for robbing the bank would be lost when I have to go on the run. At times, that is the way I think I would like my life to end... Instead of death laying beside me on the couch or in my bed, I want him to push me off and walk with me for my last few breaths as I liberate enough funds for one last celebration. That’s just a psycho thought right?
I am once again having some medical issues that has to be addressed soon. Sometime tomorrow, I have to go the ER because my fucking, stupid insurance won’t pay for urgent care, and my retarded ass doctor’s office never called me back. I’m not going to go into that shit right now, besides this blog is not suppose to be about my daily life, but about the insane thoughts that float freely inside my head. I’m working on a new story, but I haven’t been able to focus on it much since I got a headache on Tuesday, and it still hasn’t gone away, no matter what I take for the pain.
Adios
If it makes you less sad I will die by your hands. You can tell me how vile I already know that I am.
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Saturday, June 06, 2009
Saturday, December 06, 2008
Saturday, May 03, 2008
God Fucking Hates Me
My insomnia seems to be sticking around like a starving dog I’ve taken in, but at least for now my moods seem to be stable. It’s now almost 2:30am and I’m wide awake as if I just woke up from 10 hours of undisturbed sleep. Maybe a little writing about my day will help.
I didn’t go out tonight like I had planned, because last night I re-injured my right knee once again. I had went outside to check on the storms and noticed some of my trash had blown out of the trashcan. I was picking it up, when my right foot slid on a wet, slimy area near the sidewalk and down I fucking went like a brick being dropped from a 50 story building. At first the pain was so intense that I thought I would have to lay there until someone came along, but that soon turned into an embarrassing thought.
Took me a minute to recover enough to drag myself up off the ground and into the garage. After making it into the house, my only happy thought was that it was around midnight and no one hopefully saw it happen. I made it to my bedroom where I quickly found a pain pill and swallowed it without a drink.
Today I’ve been walking around slowly, but at least its not quite as bad as I first thought it was going to be. My calf muscle feels like I’ve walked 20 miles without stopping for a break, and there is some swelling behind and around my knee. It’s enough pain that I won’t feel like moving around much for a couple days.
Guess it’s just another one of God’s hands slapping me in the face...or knee as the case may be. He must really hate me.
I didn’t go out tonight like I had planned, because last night I re-injured my right knee once again. I had went outside to check on the storms and noticed some of my trash had blown out of the trashcan. I was picking it up, when my right foot slid on a wet, slimy area near the sidewalk and down I fucking went like a brick being dropped from a 50 story building. At first the pain was so intense that I thought I would have to lay there until someone came along, but that soon turned into an embarrassing thought.
Took me a minute to recover enough to drag myself up off the ground and into the garage. After making it into the house, my only happy thought was that it was around midnight and no one hopefully saw it happen. I made it to my bedroom where I quickly found a pain pill and swallowed it without a drink.
Today I’ve been walking around slowly, but at least its not quite as bad as I first thought it was going to be. My calf muscle feels like I’ve walked 20 miles without stopping for a break, and there is some swelling behind and around my knee. It’s enough pain that I won’t feel like moving around much for a couple days.
Guess it’s just another one of God’s hands slapping me in the face...or knee as the case may be. He must really hate me.
Monday, February 18, 2008
Detachment of the mind eases the pain
For the past several days I have had a severe headache. I guess you really can’t call it a headache...it’s beyond that...more of a intense migraine. I’ve had migraines off and on since I was a teen....they come without warning, and no matter what I take for it, it only dulls the pain temporarily. I was prescribed Imtrex which worked after taking 4 to 5 over several hours, it would ease the pain enough that I could tolerate leaving the darkness of my room. But I ran out about a year ago and haven’t been to the doctor for more. So, today I’m dealing with very bright lights causing a sharp pain to shoot between my eyes, noises sounding like they are being amplified through a tube directly into my ears, and waves of nausea floating up and down, up and down though my intestinal track.
My only happy thought is that it should go away in another day or two. When I don’t have any (whoa...a shockwave just washed over me, making me dizzy as hell) prescription meds to take, the migraine will usually go away in about a week. Anyway, I hope that it does...okay enough at attempting to write...I need to go lay back down...head is pounding.
My only happy thought is that it should go away in another day or two. When I don’t have any (whoa...a shockwave just washed over me, making me dizzy as hell) prescription meds to take, the migraine will usually go away in about a week. Anyway, I hope that it does...okay enough at attempting to write...I need to go lay back down...head is pounding.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Silence Brings on the Pain
Silence Brings on the Pain
I’m depressed enough to write again,
The gun is against my head,
Will I pill the trigger?
Should I let the blood drip like tears from my eyes?
There is so much pain,
Will I die in vain?
Do you understand?
Why I hold this gun in my hand?
I hear the floor creaking
With footsteps in the night.
Through the crevices
The lustful eyes peep.
I remember someone being there.
Will he be there tonight?
Another sleepless night,
Another pill,
Another drink,
A puff of smoke
Anything to make me not have to think.
A person that I thought cared,
Was really my enemy.
Unable to sleep.
Unable to close my eyes.
I lie awake, and silently weep.
I’m depressed enough to write again,
The gun is against my head,
Will I pill the trigger?
Should I let the blood drip like tears from my eyes?
There is so much pain,
Will I die in vain?
Do you understand?
Why I hold this gun in my hand?
I hear the floor creaking
With footsteps in the night.
Through the crevices
The lustful eyes peep.
I remember someone being there.
Will he be there tonight?
Another sleepless night,
Another pill,
Another drink,
A puff of smoke
Anything to make me not have to think.
A person that I thought cared,
Was really my enemy.
Unable to sleep.
Unable to close my eyes.
I lie awake, and silently weep.
Friday, May 18, 2007
Touch of Cold
Touch of Cold
There is bitterness in the blood
The world is about to flood.
Men’s hearts are no longer kind
There is coldness in mind.
There is no pulse in the vein
Color dies to a stain.
All day long is unrest
The very soul within my breast.
Grinding life down from its mark
Spin on blindly in the dark.
I am tired of the tears and laughter
And what may come hereafter.
In hell and heaven unmated
Like a soul belated
I am weary of days and hours
Desires, dreams, and powers.
The high Gods took in hand
A measure of sliding sand.
Weep for pains in hell;
In the end all is not well.
With lisp of leaves
And the ripple of rain
The tongueless vigil and
All the pain.
Things of which I may not speak
Thoughts that make the strong heart weak.
Wrought with weeping and laughter
That was my life before and after.
There is bitterness in the blood
The world is about to flood.
Men’s hearts are no longer kind
There is coldness in mind.
There is no pulse in the vein
Color dies to a stain.
All day long is unrest
The very soul within my breast.
Grinding life down from its mark
Spin on blindly in the dark.
I am tired of the tears and laughter
And what may come hereafter.
In hell and heaven unmated
Like a soul belated
I am weary of days and hours
Desires, dreams, and powers.
The high Gods took in hand
A measure of sliding sand.
Weep for pains in hell;
In the end all is not well.
With lisp of leaves
And the ripple of rain
The tongueless vigil and
All the pain.
Things of which I may not speak
Thoughts that make the strong heart weak.
Wrought with weeping and laughter
That was my life before and after.
Monday, July 03, 2006
Shocking and alarming Thoughts
Society turned me into a disease.
Sometimes I feel like I want to do the craziest of things.
You know, like killing something or someone just to watch it die.
Spit open its stomach and feel the hand warming sensation of ruby red blood as it slowly drains from your victims body.
Sometimes I hear voices and they tell me to do things.
Where darkness stands defiant to the break of day.
You spend a lifetime of walking...but where did you go?
I relive the past. I feel the past.
I have such vivid, painful memories, flashbacks, if you will.
I can almost feel 'their' hands painfully squeezing me.
I can even sometimes smell the stench around me.
Contemplating suicide.
You wish you were already dead as you hold the gun up to your head.
I want to take him and string him up by the hind
quarters like a deer being hung up and skinned.
I want him to be alive as I run the sharp knife blade down his stomach to his nut sack.
I just like to watch sometimes.
More weird shit…I’m hooked on watching violent pornography.
I’m not gay but I like watching a man get fucked hard in the ass.
I like watching the pain on his face.
Antisocial personality with intermittent psychotic decompensation.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
What it's like when I cut myself.
When I feel the need to cut, I'm usually very anger about something or in a situation where I can escape from what’s happening around me. It’s an intense feeling that I believe is 10 times stronger than what a ‘normal’ person would feel. It becomes such an overwhelming feeling of doom that you’ll do whatever it takes to take away that feeling. The voices from inside of me, tell me to injury myself, and the feeling will go away. I won’t have to think about why I’m angry, annoyed, or feeling like I want to throw up big chunks of food everywhere.
I run to a place where I think no one will see me, and I take out my secretly hidden sharp object.
Another voice from within shouts out, ‘What are you doing?”
I don’t answer back, because I feel shame.
My heart races, as I think about the blade being drawn across my already scarred wrist. I choose a place higher up, where others can’t see.
Voices….Voices…..Voices…Voices.
“Stop being a chicken about it…Just do it!!”
I think to myself why do I feel this way. And why won’t it stop. I have to make it stop. I can’t take the way I feel. I want to feel something else. Pain; that will take me to a place that is more comfortable.
I’m not sure if I believe in heaven, but I sure can give you a tour of hell.
I look intently at my cutting area, knowing I’m about to feel intense pain. I really don’t like feeling the pain, but it brings me back to reality. My heart races as I hold the blade with intense pressure against my skin.
“Just close your eyes and quickly draw the blade across your skin. Do it now and quit being a fucking chicken.”
I take several deeps breathes…Is this really what I want to do?
“Just make the feeling stop!”
“You don’t have to injury yourself”
“Do it now! You won’t have to feel the pain of feeling like you have no control!”
“You are a worthless piece of shit, and will always be a drain on society.”
Blood is already starting to appear from where you are holding the blade so firmly against your exposed body.
Deep breath.
'Quickly now!!!!!!'
A rush of adrenaline surges throughout your body, making you to take several deep breathes.
Quickly the blade goes across your flesh, and the skin lays open. Blood flows. But more important is the feeling. It’s like experiencing your very first breath. Your heart is racing. You feel alive. You have control. A sigh of relief. Knowing the feeling is going to quickly fade, you close your eyes and enjoy the brief moment of feeling alive.
Your anger disappears, and is replaced with the feeling your are more familiar with, and can understand. This wound you know how to heal. You open your eyes to see how bad the damage is this time.
A far away voices screams, “Shit!!! Look what you have done!!”
“What are you going to tell people?”
You grab the washrag you have sitting on the counter waiting to absorb the blood before it falls to the floor. You hold it there catching the blood, only removing it to see how bad your ‘accident’ looks. That’s what you’re going to tell people if they find out…I accidentally cut myself when…..I’ll think about it later.
That’s why I did it in a secret place, where no one will see but me. It will be another one of my secrets.
I run to a place where I think no one will see me, and I take out my secretly hidden sharp object.
Another voice from within shouts out, ‘What are you doing?”
I don’t answer back, because I feel shame.
My heart races, as I think about the blade being drawn across my already scarred wrist. I choose a place higher up, where others can’t see.
Voices….Voices…..Voices…Voices.
“Stop being a chicken about it…Just do it!!”
I think to myself why do I feel this way. And why won’t it stop. I have to make it stop. I can’t take the way I feel. I want to feel something else. Pain; that will take me to a place that is more comfortable.
I’m not sure if I believe in heaven, but I sure can give you a tour of hell.
I look intently at my cutting area, knowing I’m about to feel intense pain. I really don’t like feeling the pain, but it brings me back to reality. My heart races as I hold the blade with intense pressure against my skin.
“Just close your eyes and quickly draw the blade across your skin. Do it now and quit being a fucking chicken.”
I take several deeps breathes…Is this really what I want to do?
“Just make the feeling stop!”
“You don’t have to injury yourself”
“Do it now! You won’t have to feel the pain of feeling like you have no control!”
“You are a worthless piece of shit, and will always be a drain on society.”
Blood is already starting to appear from where you are holding the blade so firmly against your exposed body.
Deep breath.
'Quickly now!!!!!!'
A rush of adrenaline surges throughout your body, making you to take several deep breathes.
Quickly the blade goes across your flesh, and the skin lays open. Blood flows. But more important is the feeling. It’s like experiencing your very first breath. Your heart is racing. You feel alive. You have control. A sigh of relief. Knowing the feeling is going to quickly fade, you close your eyes and enjoy the brief moment of feeling alive.
Your anger disappears, and is replaced with the feeling your are more familiar with, and can understand. This wound you know how to heal. You open your eyes to see how bad the damage is this time.
A far away voices screams, “Shit!!! Look what you have done!!”
“What are you going to tell people?”
You grab the washrag you have sitting on the counter waiting to absorb the blood before it falls to the floor. You hold it there catching the blood, only removing it to see how bad your ‘accident’ looks. That’s what you’re going to tell people if they find out…I accidentally cut myself when…..I’ll think about it later.
That’s why I did it in a secret place, where no one will see but me. It will be another one of my secrets.
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