Friday, July 30, 2010

Why do I do this?

To feel some sort of control...

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

My Bad Day

I’ve never been a social person. I guess most of that comes from the fact that when growing up I had very little contact with other people in social settings. Over the years I have learned to adapt to most any situation, but then there are moments when all I want to do is resort back to a more barbaric way of handling things. Maybe I should just let MsPsycho handle all things....?

My 7 year old tv began experiencing difficulties in working correctly, and although I don’t watch much tv, I do have a few select shows that I enjoy watching, so when it failed to come on, I headed out the door in search of another one. Knowing I didn’t have a lot of money, I decided to search at a couple of different pawn shops hoping to find one that wouldn’t cost too much. The first shop I stopped at offered only a couple of small tv’s that harbored pounds of dust. The next pawn shop looked cleaner, but the parking lot was full.

I had a friend drop me off near the door while he and my son looked for a parking spot. The moment I opened the door I should have turned around and walked right back out, but I spotted several nice clean tv’s sitting on a corner shelf, so I stepped on inside. A young, black girl standing near the door, holding merchandise to pawn, stepped towards me just as I enter the door, which caused me to bump into her slightly. I said a low excuse, while she just stared at me.

Ignoring her, I walked on over near the tv’s and found one that had a nice price and looked good. As I’m standing there looking at the others, I can hear this bitch behind me talking about how I had just bumped into her. I tried to ignore her stupidity, but it continued to mount as she continued to throw out insults. I almost snapped!

I took a deep breath.... Bitch do you realize I will go psycho on your ass in about three seconds flat. I will beat you down to the ground and keep stomping your face until the police pull me off your bloody stupid ignorant self. I have been to the Pen and I won’t put up with some low life bitch that needs to grow the fuck up! Deep breath, .... and I put MsPsycho behind the curtains for a moment.

I turn around from the tv’s and walk back near the girl. I look her in the face and again I say excuse me loud enough for everyone to hear. I exit the store and get to the car just as they find a parking spot. I just shake my head and tell them they didn’t have any nice tv’s.

Eventually, I found a tv, but never again will I search at a pawn shop that is really busy. The anti-social, bi-polar, fucked up person inside of me (MsPsycho) might be hard to contain next time.

Part two of my day....

After several hours of having the most vial thoughts about that woman, I had to head home to my happy place. There is one thing that relaxes my body and mind more than anything else, and it’s not marijuana. (Even though that does help.:) I find my peace in my little 18 foot above ground pool that I got from Wal-Mart. During the summer I will spend at least an hour or more everyday, cleaning out the pool, exercising, swimming, and floating in the water, absorbing the vitamin d from the sun.

Just as I changed into my clothes to head to the backyard, my neighbor/friend calls, panicking about how her husband didn’t want to spend 10 dollars at the PUBIC pool for just an hour of swimming for his 3 kids. Apparently he didn’t get off his lazy ass and get them their on time to swim longer. So, she wants to know if they can all swim in my pool. I finally agree, but tell her she has to watch them. I can tell in her voice that she doesn’t want to watch them either. (They’re not our fucking kids....MsPsycho whispers in my ear.)

I tell her that I’m watching a show on tv, so she says the 12 year old can watch the 7 and 5 year old. I’m thinking not a good idea, but I finally agree. Thirty minutes later they show up, but with a couple other kids from the neighborhood that heard they were going swimming and wanted to come.

Deep breathe.... I don’t have a fucking community pool! This is my private pool for me to enjoy! Not for every dirty little snot nosed kid in the neighborhood! This is MY happy place! Every motherfucker on this block probably makes more money than I do. If you want to let your kids enjoy a pool, then you save money to buy one. That’s what I have to do. I don’t make over 100 thousands dollars a fucking year.... but you do! You put in the time to set up the pool, fill it with water, pay the water bill, buy the chemicals needed to keep the water clear, clean it out everyday. Then when I come asking if I can swim in your little personal sized pool, I wonder what you will have to say. Fuck people! You’re fucking up my space!! Deep breathe! And MsPsycho steps behind the curtain.

You guys have fun, just be careful. I walked off to my room and smoked a joint.
We’re much better now.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Am I God's Tragic Mistake?

No Matter how Many "Watch Your Step" Signs There are... I always seem to fall.

Damn it! I went left.

I don’t think my brain needs 'crazy pills' to rescue itself. My mind is just tilted in odd directions, and that can’t be a mistake. It has become a part of who I am. But after time running up and down stairs can wear down even the toughest, leading the person to consider suicide. That’s where I use to go. Now when it becomes too much, I run into the lions den, which might not be a real good idea, but it works. The chemical shift in my brain occurs, and I once again return to ‘normal’. Sometimes I pay a high price for my ‘stupidity’, but if death was the alternative, which would you choose?

Someone once told me that I enjoyed having others think about me, that’s why I repeatedly drive past law enforcement. A part of me does... it’s the tiny, squeaky little voice wondering around that loves to giggle at the thought that she’s manipulating them into wondering what the fuck she’s up too. Then there are other  parts of my brain that shouts at me, asking me what the fuck am I doing?  The OCD part of me tells me if  I don‘t, something seriously bad will happen later.

I’ve tried on many occasions to convince myself that nothing bad would happen if I got near law enforcement. I wasn’t going to stab them, I wasn’t going to attempt to choke, I wasn’t going to pull out a weapon and shoot them, and in return... If I got near them, they wouldn’t  attempt to stab, choke, or shoot me. But I have a hard time trying to convince my mind of this reality when I am near them. Sometimes when I know they are in some store, I will go into the store for the sole purpose of trying to persuade myself that nothing bad is going to happen.

People just don’t realize how hard it really is to be me. It is exhausting trying to following the right voice, and not the wrong one. Sometimes a part of me is willing to do anything to return to some state of normal, even if it means driving around the police department 20 times, or doing some other random stupid act that leads to their intervention. If I didn’t do it, I would have probably already taken someone’s life, or at least my mind has me convinced that is what will happen.

I might have went too far this time, which could lead to serious consequences if everything continues to go left. But it has re-sifted my mind enough that I slept for 9 solid hours of sleep last night. I’m thinking differently now, and things that were previously unclear are now in focus. My brain has temporally corrected itself without the use of medication.