Thursday, March 18, 2010

Mind Hating Self --- Anybody Got a Really Big Shovel They Can Loan Me?

I’ve been trying to figure out how I’m going to dig my way out of this gigantic hole I’ve dug for myself at some unknown location, where no one is able to locate me. Not sure if I want to be found right now anyway, but I’ve been here for a couple weeks and if I don’t start looking for a way out, I might be lost for a long time.

My impulsive actions sent me out late back on the 4th, wondering around in my circles again, which led to another stop for doing a u-turn. It wasn’t illegal, just caught law enforcements eyes at almost 1am. It was an officer that I hadn’t had contact with, anyway I didn’t recognize his face and I don’t think he knew me. I handed over my insurance and ID, then he went back to his car to checked me out in the system. When he returned, I could tell by his actions, that he was informed to who I was. He gave me back my insurance and ID, then asked me a couple questions. The one that stayed in my mind was when he asked if I was okay. I should have been honest and said no, I’m not okay right now. But I know what that would mean. A trip to the psych ward. So I lied, and drove away without breathing, and without a ticket.

Friday the 5th was even worse. Anger was raging deep inside me for no known reason. The universe felt foreign, and I wasn’t willing to be a part of anything the world was offering. I was hating everybody and everything they were doing. Little things annoyed the hell out of me as I tried to complete a forgotten task. And when I stopped to think about it all, it caused me to have those uncomfortable palpitation in my heart that often lead me down the wrong roads in my attempt to quash my tedious and trying dark thoughts.

My windows were up as I drove along Highway 117 playing Knockin Doors Down at full volume. No luck. The voices just screamed at each other a little louder in my head.

My body began feeling like it was being squeezed by some giant hand reaching out and wrapping its fingers around my entire body. I couldn’t breathe, and the need to escape overtook my mind after I had drove several slow miles blocked behind a couple cars. As my thoughts raced non-stop, impulse control was thrown out the window and without thought or care, I drove wildly into the center turning lane in my attempt to escape whatever it was that I was convinced was after me. Reality was gone.

After breaking free from my enclosure, I felt a brief sense of relief, but that would be short-lived. Again the story of my life... I wasn’t paying attention, but THEY were. Damn those unmarked black cop cars! He caught up with me about 3 miles later.

I quickly pulled over as a few hundred thoughts ran rapidly across my forehead. I reached out and grabbed one thought as the officer tapped on my window. I didn’t want to try and explain it to the officer that if I didn’t do what I did, the world might have exploded. Anyway that’s what my mind had convinced me was going to happen if I didn’t pass the two idiot drivers in the center lane, and then sped off at double the speed limit.

Instead, I lied and told him I was a diabetic and my blood sugar was low. It might have been, I hadn’t eaten anything that day. But I also know when I get stressed, like being stopped, my blood sugar will spike real high. So even if it was low before he stopped me, it had to be somewhere around 180 after the stop.

At least the officer was polite, even after he ran my record and let me know, as if I didn’t already know, that I have a very extensive driving record. I’ll be lucky as hell if I don’t lose my drivers license again.

FUCK! This time I got a ticket for illegal passing. The officer said he knew I was speeding but he wasn’t going to give me a ticket for that since he said he didn’t actually catch me speeding. Then came the serious question again, ‘Are you okay?’ Two days in a row, two different officers asking the same question. Again I lie. I convince myself that these feelings, mood swings, whatever you want to call it, will pass... I just have to ride out the storm. I just hope they make a towel big enough to dry myself off when its all over.

I have court on March 22 for this charge and April something for the speeding ticket I got last month....again FUCK! The two tickets total over $500 dollars, plus the time I have to spend going to these damn things because I can’t come up with that much money unless I commit a crime.

The next day, I crashed hard. I’ve been down since with no motivation to do anything. My psychological inertia is now preventing me from doing anything constructive to help me elevate my mood. I’m lost. I don’t want to move, think, write or participate in life. I haven’t done any writing in weeks. The thoughts are just blank.

DEEP Breath!

This is step one again...
I made myself move a few hours ago, then I started thinking, and now I’m writing. Maybe tomorrow I’ll participate in life.


middle child said...

I am nowhere close to being in your shoes. I do have two ideas that could offer a bit of help. Are you able to be alone at home like out on a porch or sittin outside? Another thing I do is drive somewhere I can just sit and be alone. Mostly it is hard to control the feelings. Try to let them wash over and through you. Every once in a while you just gotta say, FUCK 'EM!!! and go about doing what you WANT with a strength that at first you fake until it becomes real.

Coffeypot said...

Tomorrow is a good day to come out for a visit. Nothing strenuous, just go out and enjoy something.

MsPsycho said...

I try to go out as often as I can, but some days inside just seems like the safer place to be. I did go out last Friday when it was a warm 69, and stayed out until the sun went down.
That helped out my mood a lot.

Driving...I love being out driving. It's one of my favorite things to do when my moods go sideways. But it's also a part of my problem. Every time I try to find a place to just sit and be alone, law enforcement usually shows up to see what I'm doing. Which is probably all my fault, because the time when I feel the need to be alone the most, is late at night.

Things are better today, and tomorrow I'm going to get out in the world and feel the sunshine on my face. Maybe even take a long walk.

Hope everyone has a wonderful day!
Thanks to all who have stopped by.

Jim said...

O dear MsPhsycho, you don't deserve to have those mean voices to control you. All they want to do is destroy you. There is a way to get rid of them and it's through a still small voice that has thousands of times more power than tose beasts in your head. I'm praying that that still small voice will become part of you!!!

Anonymous said...

Girl you know what time it is?...Haven't seen you in a while. Hit me up and we'll meet at the park for a little fun and games...hehe.