Thursday, April 08, 2010

Time is free, but it's Priceless

Today has been a long day, and I should be in bed staring at the back of my eyelids, but instead I‘m thinking too much again. I had a hard time falling asleep last night because I was thinking about court and about my older son moving out. I finally made it asleep around 5am only to be woke up at 8:30am by my younger son because the person he was riding with ran out of gas and needed my help. By the time I got them off to school I figured I might as well stay awake and get some shopping done.

Problem was I couldn’t concentrate long enough to remember everything I was needing to pick up. So after an hour of wondering around lost in Wal-Mart, I gave up and instead visited Morris park. It gave me time to think about what I wanted to do with my court and what I wanted to say to my older son.

After 2 hours of walking around looking at nature and taking a few pictures, the decision about court was quickly settled. I would be broke, but the fine would be paid in full and more importantly I wouldn’t have to appear in court. I drove to city hall as I continued thinking about my older son moving out.

He’s 19 years old, turns 20 in August, but I still worry so much about him. I want him to succeed where I failed. I’ve given up a lot of things to make sure he had a good chance. Now I don’t know if I did enough. I fully understand him wanting to be out on his own, but I also fear him screwing it up and I have to be the one to bail him out again.

That’s not what’s bothering me right now.... I figure if he fucks up, oh well, he will learn, experience is the best teacher. My problem is ..... Letting him go. There are tears now. He was my baby. My first born. His presences forever altered my life. He was my reason I got out of bed every morning just so I could see his beautiful smile.

Now he’s a grown man wanting to have a life of his own. I knew the day was coming, I just didn’t think it would be so soon. It just hit me hard a couple hours ago when I was moving some of his things to another room. I stared at his baby pictures hanging on the wall, the picture of his cute little smile he had on his face one year when he convinced me to buy him a baby duck, all the years of football pictures, and then there sat his senior picture... I broke into tears. My little man has grown up. Time has passed too quickly.

I think I need to get some sleep now.


Dan said...

Gorgeous pic of a gorgeous boy who is probably a gorgeous young man now. Born of a gorgeous woman who takes time to share some beautiful, sometimes painful thoughts.
Hope I didn't over-use the gorgeous word there and hope you get my drift...

middle child said...

Did you do all the right things when raising your child? Your answer to yourself and others is a commited and accepted, "I did the best I could."
As for him stiking out on his own and having to bail him out???? - that's a tough one as I would do anything for my kids. But there comes a time when they have to figure it out for themselves.
Also realize that (in my opinion) there is a special bond between a mom and her son. Makes it hard. Seems tough to step back and see him as a man when you're looking through eyes that see him as a child. Good Luck and God Bless.

MsPsycho said...

Thanks Dan, it's just so hard letting go.

I've tried to give him everything he ever needed, and still it doesn't feel like I've done enough. I think he will be alright, I'm just having a really hard time with him not being here. I feel like I've lost a part of me.

Anonymous said...

You sound like a beautiful soulful woman and mother. PS I spent summers in Morris....small world.

Richard, Shhh... said...