Thursday, August 24, 2006


Someone who does something really stupid, and it results in negative consequences.
I can’t get the thought of suicide by cop out of my mind. Everyday, several times a day on the really bad days, I think about it, I dream about it, and how it will happen.

My whole body mind and soul hurts.
My mind is now blank,
But when I try to sleep my mind is filled with noise.
I feel nothing, yet I feel everything.

I’m trying to do all the things that I know that works to help bring me up out of this state of mind. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. I don’t want to injure myself just to make myself feel better. So instead I do really stupid shit, like fuck with law enforcement. Yeah I know that’s crazy as hell, but it works. What would you do if you’ve tried all the ‘normal’ ways to end your ‘crazy thoughts’ or depression, and it didn’t work? Then one day something happened and it woke you up like an electrical shock, and you no longer felt insane. Would you then continue to seek out a way to recreate that same feeling? I sometimes do... if I want to continue to live without injuring myself, and maybe one day succeed in taking my life, even if I didn't really me to.

Sorry to all those that I fucked with, but I have to do what works…Thanks NightOwl, Baker, Lawdog, Hollywood, Armadill, Cane, Mish, RedDragon, LEF, and anyone else who I might have forgotten. I'll try not to be too much of an AssClown.

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