Monday, April 21, 2008

A Walk Through Mania

It's close to 2 am and I back up wondering along like a lost puppy dog. I tried to lay down a couple of hours ago, but I just laid there staring at the shadows on the ceiling, listening to the loud ringing in my ears. Guess the sleeping pills didn't work, so I'm going to post some thoughts that are running loose in my head right now.

With depression,
I feel as though I will drown.
With mania,
I feel as though I will explode.

Last attempt to communicate from a private hell
Razor cuts into the vein,
not to lose, not to gain;
simply just to ease my pain.

Others see me as a survivor
Who’s mastered all the pain,
But underneath the mask I wear
I think I’m insane.

The branches of my path
Are like shattered glass.
Tiptoeing through the grass
Trying not to think about my past.

Locked in my dark cage,
searching for the key,
waiting for someone
to please rescue me.

Lost in my chaotic mind
"God, are you real?"
"Am I wrong for asking?"
"Do you know how I feel?"

These voices inside they won't go away.
Try as I might there determined to stay.
It's an illusion a mask of shame.
They think I'm crazy but how can I make them see
This really is not me.

I’ve been referred to by hateful names,
Derogatory phrases,
Vicious slang…
"Raving lunatic"
"Mental case"

At times my perception of reality,
Can be very different from yours.
To me it can feel like a nightmare,
I cannot awaken from.
I am feel buried alive
Inside the madness.


Currently on my other hand I have full-blown mania, which cause me to sometimes do outlandish, unpredictable, impulsive things with no thought for the consequences. On these days, I sleep very little, and even prescription sleeping medications have very little effect on me. I will also have increased difficulty in concentrating and paying attention to detail. But what I hate the most is the angry. It comes without warning, and I will explode with vicious, vulgar language at any given moment.

Sometimes I have wild aspirations of changing the world, thoughts racing at mach speed, starting numerous projects (and never finishing them!) then, crashing so low that nothing matters anymore.


Shagun Khera said...

heart rendering stuff. miss ur not a psycho....u have the most beautiful emotions inside..of wanting to be loved and needed....damn the whole world.....

MsPsycho said...

You would be one of the first people to tell me I'm not a psycho. Thanks.