Saturday, April 19, 2008

Every Now and Then I Fall Apart

Uncontrolled psychiatric diagnosis
Hide the problem,
No one will know.
I’ve become so good at hiding the problem
That I’ve convince myself there isn’t one.

Feeling, being different and separate
Hide our emotions.
Put on the mask so everyone will think we’re okay.
Even if it’s really not.

Rational alternative is to leave this life
Fools most people.
Feelings of doom preoccupy me
On a fairly consistent basis.

Chasing life,
Running away,
Too many drugs,
To much drinking,
Driving without a drivers licenses
Looking for my next high.

Chaos created by my mental illness.
I never learned boundaries.
Where does it end?
Where does it begin?
I’m a by-product of rebellious brain chemicals.

Oppressive, heavy, and suffocating,
Venom that takes over your mind,
Your body, your life.
Slowly eating away at you.

Sometimes the depression will broadside my life like a train slamming into a car left on the track, suddenly and without warning. This blog has become my warning, to let me know when things are about to go left, and to prevent further damage before it occurs.

But then there are the times when it creeps in gradually, like a mist, so subtle that I scarcely notice it until I’m in so deep in mud, I can barely stand.

Depression is a nightmare from which it is extremely difficult to awake. Regular activities have again become incredibly difficult. Just getting out of bed and surviving the day is a huge accomplishment.

My depression seems to be the worse at night, while my boys sleep. I lie awake, distracted by the silence that only serves to amplify my racing thoughts, and physical pain. At times, there are very real feelings of suffocation drowning, difficulty breathing, and tightness in my chest. I yearn for something to help me sleep, but could I trust myself to hold a full bottle of sleeping pills in my hand? These feelings are sometimes terrifying and confusing.

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