Thursday, January 31, 2008

God Ripped an Arm Off My Teddy Bear

After a few drinks and a couple extra pills, I finally slept last night. Fourteen solid, deep, uninterrupted hours of dreaming. I didn’t really want to get up, but my mind finally focused on the fact the I hadn’t gotten up this morning, (the first time in 11 years) to make sure the boys got off to school okay. Other than every light in the house being on, everything was okay...they made it to school on their own without needing me.

Relaxing a little I had a bowl of cereal and then laid back down in bed to watch TV. I couldn’t really focus on what was on because I kept thinking about the dream that I had last night. I was trying to escape from a building that was like a jail, but I guess more of a place to hold someone...still like jail. I was strapped down to a small cot in the middle of a room where the wall, floor, and ceiling were all painted black. Someone or something came into the room and pulled at the straps holding me down, releasing me. I began to quickly run, (faster than I ever could in real life), jumping, dodging, weaving my way down a long hallway, until I was outside.

I’ve had dreams like this many times in the past...each one only slightly different from the other. This time I decided to see what I could found out about my dream. I looked it up in the Encyclopedia of 20,000 Dreams, and found some information that was quite interesting. It says that breaking free from jail, confinement, cages, ropes, or shackles may point to a desire for release from a situation, such as a job that is causing stress. The elation surrounding dreams of leaving jail may suggest feelings about a new opportunity in our life. However, if no joy accompanies the liberation, this could suggest anxiety about the challenges that lie ahead. Breaking out of jail on the other hand testifies to a determination to create your own chances and give free reign to talents that have too long been repressed. Alternatively, if you have been depressed recently, break-out dreams could suggest the need to seek serious help, as the dream may signify a yearning for the ultimate release---death. Interesting.

Time for a break the boys are home...

My son told me when he got home from school at 3:40 that he turned off my alarm because he thought I needed the sleep, and he was big enough to get up on his own.
Maybe they just don’t need me anymore.

I can’t seem to wake up today. Its nothing like the past 3 weeks where I was only getting 3 or 4 hours of sleep. Now all I feel like doing is hiding in a dark room with nothing on but the dull light from the TV to light the room. I don’t feel like cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking a shower, or even standing for more than a couple of minutes at a time. Thank goodness in the throws of mania, last week I spent several hours cleaning cabinets, wiping walls down, dusting, vacuuming ceilings, moving furniture around to try and find a new look, so nothing it extremely dirty.

Hopefully I crawl out of this shit hole of depression before everything becomes so nasty that I feel the only way to get rid of the decay is to burn it all. I hate things that are dirty or nasty. That’s one of the reason I can’t stand being locked down...prison wasn’t so bad...but the county jail is nasty. There are two many germs everywhere, and I start freaking out, thinking I’m going to catch something. My OCD becomes so extreme, that it then turns into a panic attack, then it turns into what happened the last time I was in jail...I cut myself. Not to die, but just to escape the feeling as if something is crawling all over my body.

Time for a nap...this computer is boring me.

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