Sunday, January 20, 2008

Cry on...No answer yet.

I was through crying.

It was just around the corner to where the search for answers to my past would come to an end, all I had to do was force myself beyond the thoughts and do what needed to be done years ago. It was one step in my journey that was just beyond a barbed wire fence, then down in a ravine.

A fence had been put up a few years after we moved out when the property was divided and sold to different people. I wasn’t sure who had purchased the property, but I had already came this far, and was determined to find out what if anything was still laying in the woods undiscovered.

The fence was new and stung tight enough that I couldn’t spread the wire fence apart in the middle. The only way to get to the other side was to go under the fence. I dropped to my knees then laid flat on the ground and rolled underneath. Once on the other side I stood and shook the grass from my pants and hands, and then looked towards the direction I had remembered. My heart began to race so fast that it hurt. I stood there for several minutes taking in deep breaths over and over again. I was shaking, on the verge of wanting to vomit. I had the feeling.

I knew the answer to one of my own questions was just beyond a few trees and tall brush. Was it real? What really happened? Was she still there? All I had to do was go and look . Just 50 more yards... “Do it now! You are so fucking ignorant! You fat ass bitch! You’ll never be anybody! Keep you fucking mouth shut!” I heard the voices of all the hurtful people who had said things to me throughout my life. The voices screamed loud. “Waste of sperm. She’s disturbed! It’s our secret. Ugly ass. Laughing. She’s not normal and probably never will be. You’ll always need some type of therapy. Keep you mouth shut! A good girl is a quiet girl! Just touch me here. 1234!”

My palms were sweaty, and sweat was dripping down from my forehead, the sounds of birds echoed loudly in my head. I could hear the rustling of my feet in the leaves as if the sound was being amplified a hundred times. I began to feel dizzy, then everything went black.

I awoke some time later, close to dark. I was cold and the grass had become damp. I wasn’t going into those woods after dark, was the excuse I gave myself. It would have to wait until another day. I hurriedly made it back to the car, seeing nothing, feeling nothing. I made it just as the sun went completely down. I quickly back out, locked my car doors and then fired my last joint.

It wasn’t meant to be then.

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