Saturday, February 02, 2008

Killing Myself

I think I finally figured it all out...I’m locked up in a prison or mental hospital and the people in charge are punishing me by making me live this life.

Only thought about killing myself a half-dozen times or so today, and never really seriously. Sad, but that constitutes a pretty good, successful day for a lot of people like me. I find myself feeling hopeless, yet feeling strangely content just being alone. Actually I don’t really feel hopeless so much as I have grimly accepted my fate. Whether this is true or merely delusional thinking resulting from depression…time will tell. Sometimes I think it is a little of both.

My moods cycle rapidly, and it never ceases to amaze me how fast, and how completely, my moods can change throughout the day. I can go from being very agitated with suicidal ideation, to having a calm, peaceful time of reflection.

Nature really is a calming force for me. It always has been. Ever since childhood, I would escape to the woods to find some peace of mind. Aside from the prospect of getting bitten by a snake, or becoming forever lost, neither of which has happened to me…yet… the outdoors has always been soothing to my soul. Once again, it is no cure, but it is a tonic, that makes life a lot more tolerable…and sometimes even quite enjoyable.

During periods of agitation today, I experienced a familiar phenomenon…sort of a persistence of negative thought and emotion. Like if I have a negative interaction with someone, no matter how slight… I just can’t let it go…it lingers in my mind and plays itself over and over. I relive it again and again, feeling the same anger, fear, or annoyance that I did in the original experience. This also happens with things that happened years or even decades ago, too. It is like I never forget any negative, painful thing that happens to me. Sometimes, embarrassing, shameful memories come up, and my whole body convulses and tenses for a moment in response…as if I am trying to shake it off. Often I grimace and clench my teeth. I hide it pretty well in public, but sometimes I can’t.

Just some of the really annoying and fucked up shit I go through on a daily basis. Used to it now…but it doesn’t make it any more pleasant.

I have been blogging for a couple of years now, and I see how effective it is for charting ones moods and mood cycles. I have always resisted charting my moods, because I just didn’t really want to know. Somebody said that “an unexamined life isn’t worth living.” But some things are better just left in the dark…at least until we are good and ready to deal with them.

I took a Clonazepam today, which I have not done for a long time. I rarely take any kind of tranquilizer or anti-psychotic, but it probably wouldn’t hurt if I utilized that tool a little more than I do. I have tried Zyprexa which made me feel like a zombie with Ball-bearings for eyes, geodon which made me fall asleep anywhere, anytime, risperadal which worked great but destroyed any and all sexual desire, and seroquel, which was the best med I ever took, at least in small doses, but I had a muscle spasm in my chest so painful that I passed out and ended up in the hospital. And the list goes on and on. I am kind of freaked out about meds in general. I am probably way under-medicated, but I have a tenuous balance, and a tenuous balance is better than things getting worse with the wrong medication(s). I know this may sound irresponsible, and maybe it is, but like I have said in previous posts…I became a human guinea pig for about eight years, and that was enough for me. I have thought about looking into some newer type of pills again, but fear of the side effects...such as gaining more weight, keeps me away from the drug store. I just don’t know if I have the energy, faith, and confidence in meds right now to undergo that whole process of trying a new med.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

It was socrates who said it. I have great sympathy for how you feel, I've been there. You should know that your blogging is really good and I'm touched by your honesty (and admittedly, turned on by the stories).

I get your point about people telling you "it's not so bad" or to "cheer up." That's not helpful. But I can only say, purely selfishly, I hope the thoughts never get the best of you. x