Wednesday, February 27, 2008

The little Secrets that no one knows.

Giggling little rats running
Around inside my walls.

Penguin’s slap each other
Then dance a little dance.

Knock, Knock open up
The squirrels are coming in looking for a big nut.

Alive, growing, staring, listening,
Damn those plants hanging near the window.

Good cop, bad cop
I can’t tell a difference anymore.

Vigilant ducks embroiled in a revolution
Eyes, voices everywhere.

Peel the skin from my face
Because store bought cookies are cooked with coach roaches inside.

Going to sleep with a heart full of fear.
Wiping away the last little tear.

Cannot simply be willed or wished away.
My OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) is in full gear. Maybe it’s the bi-polar part of me that is on a high right now; making me feel like everything around me is so unsanitary, nasty, gross, to the point that I don’t want to touch anything unless it’s with gloved hands. Life-long disorder. That’s one of the reason I don’t want to be arrested, but I fear it will happen soon, and I just don’t think I can handle that right now. Constant thoughts about death. It will be just like the last time I went to jail...I have a panic attack, freak out, and the next thing I know I’m either getting the shit beat out of me by some officer or if I’m alone (even in jail) I will cut myself.
Antisocial behavior.

Honestly I don’t want to do that because I already have enough scars on my arms that its even gross for me to look at them. Jail brings on so much stress, anxiety, and panic feelings that I decided I just can’t deal with going back to jail.
Loss of contact with reality.
So all alone with my thoughts they drifted towards odd thinking and I begin to wonder, “If I hire a killer to kill myself, will I still be arrested for attempt murder if I’m caught by law enforcement?”
Inability to enjoy life.
I’m not really sure, but I know I’m not about to ask that question online. I think I’m just going to check around with a few people that I know and see if they know someone who would be willing to kill me.
Disorganized thinking.
I’m just too much of a fucking chicken shit to do it myself, and suicide by cop might not work either (they would probably just fucking miss), so maybe a professional might be able to get the job done.
Hearing Voices.
You’re so fucking stupid!! Nothing but a drain on society.
Not worth the two bullets I would have to use.

I’m a failure...
Failure to learn by experience
Failure to follow any life plan
Failure to conform to social norms.

I’m constantly having difficulties with authority figures. What is the point to living? I’m not really living. Everyone will be much better off without me.

Worthlessness, inappropriate quilt, helplessness
No energy.
Headaches, no relief.
Hearing voices.
Bizarre behavior.

I think I’ll spend next weekend drowning kittens.

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