Saturday, March 15, 2008

What does being OK mean?

"So, how are you?"

"I'm ok."

Usually, when people ask me the 'how-are-you' question, they don't care. They don't really want to hear more. I say OK, and everyone accepts that. I say OK, even when I'm not particularly OK. But that's fine, because no one really wants to hear any more than that. Especially when you're not OK.

How AM I feeling?

Sometimes I don't know. Because the truth is, I don't care either. I've treated myself the same way people treat me. Or maybe people treat me the same way I've treated myself. I don't know. I couldn't care less about myself. Sometimes I feel an overwhelming urge to beat myself up with a baseball bat. I want to scream at myself - to SHUT-THE-HELL-UP!

Sometimes, I am demanding and domineering towards myself.
I want HER to cringe and cower.
I expect HER to be silent, to not be seen.
And if she so much as say a word, a single word,
I will beat her into submission.

Sometimes I wish I would just disappear.


Anonymous said...

Same experience at work they ask me how are you they arent interested in how you feel.its only a way to say hello.only you and you decide how you feel and how you are and how to take on the future.the best way is to find a hobby a new passion in your life instead of sinking away in the shizo-depression-fantasy world because sooner or later they will become reality and can/will harm you and the people around you

MsPsycho said...

Currently fantasy world is a much better place to be.

Writing is my hobby, and the way to release these crazy thoughts from my head. I just wish I hadn't waited so many years to get the thoughts out of my head.