Friday, March 21, 2008

Feeling out of Control

I feel so out of control. Almost homicidal, suicidal, as if the pieces of me that have been a whole suddenly aren't and are off on their own, doing their own things, popping in and out like a radio station almost too far away to pick up clearly and reliably.

I hate this feeling of not being entirely in control of my reactions to things. I could go back to a psychiatrist, but how many can a person see, how many meds can a person try and still be in trouble? if insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over, but each time expecting different results, then isn't it insane to go to another doctor? Is it irresponsible not to go if it never works? And if it never works, is this what I have to look forward to, this increasingly fragmented blob of reactions I can't predict or control?

For now I have decided to self medicate.


Anonymous said...

Its good you write about your 'feelings' if thats what i call them.
Its dangerous when you keep them in your head for years then you can classify yrself as a 'pretty fucked up' person.
I have similar issues, its like sometimes i find myself in 3th perspective unable to feel any emotions or environmetal effects.
If you want to chat add me and delete this message after u added me ,if not nevermind.

MrsMelvin said...

Even though I've been on meds for about 4 years, I have those, "what's the point?" feelings, too. We tend to feel hopeless but I want to encourage you to keep on. Hopefully someday you will find a combination that works. Maybe it won't "fix" everything (mine haven't) but medication can take the edge off or clear the cycling thoughts in order to help you become more self aware. I really hope you're going to feel better soon. You can always message me if you like.

MsPsycho said...

Yes, it is better that I write about my feelings rather than re-act on them.

So far taking my own combination of drugs mixed with a little alcohol seems to be working just as well, if not better than the meds the doctors have given me. The only problem is some of mine might not be legal, but for a temporary reprieve I willing to take the chance.

Anonymous said...

All these stories ive read are based on those "whats the point" feelings.I have them aswell, i feel very little and i start wondering whytf am i here wtf am i doing here
Mspsycho you use something to alter or clear your mind like drugs, no offense but drugs make you dull.When i feel like my heads going to explode i go out and run 15km in the local park the exhaustion clears my thoughts and when i come home i feel great for a moment or 2 :).

MsPsycho said...

I have had the feeling of “what’s the point” most of my life. In December 1984 I totally gave up and stopped caring about anything or anybody....I’ve never got that back.

I wish I could go out and run 15 miles or more, but a couple of years ago while being arrested, the ACL and PCL in my right knee was completely ripped out, so now I have to be very careful how I even walk. If I try to just hurry my walking along, my knee will go sideways and come out of place. I was told I needed surgery but my insurance wouldn’t pay, so I gave up once again. I also have a tear to the ACL in my left knee, which also causes pain when simply walking.

For the past couple of years using pain pills were the only way I could make it through a day, but then it got to a point where I wasn’t getting the pills any more.....I gave up. I started drinking more often, buying illegal pills, but the one thing that seems to give me the most relief is smoking marijuana. Not only did it help with the pain in my knees, it also helped to make my moods better.

I used marijuana off and on over the past several years, but recently it has become my best friend. There are no side effects, other than laughing at nothing sometimes, getting the munchies, and then having a nap afterwards. For now smoking marijuana is better than putting a blade to my wrist.

Malice Blackheart said...

Wow, MsPsycho, my jaw hasn’t dropped this low in quite a long time, and I’m saying out loud, “What the fuck?” What did – Did the arresting officer(s) do that to you? What the hell happened to you?

I’ve also had a chronic pain condition for six years now. Been seeing tons of doctors, and they all have a different theory, many involving some strange drug, or a homeopathic remedy, or acupuncture, or some really psychotic surgery that would clearly make things way worse.

In the end, I found it best to just stay the hell away from all of them. I’ve accepted my pain, and though it’s hard sometimes, I often laugh it off because I’m still free. I didn’t let myself get sucked into that weird drug dependency that doctors (Doctors, Ha! They’re just regular idiots with medical degrees. Just realize that 50% of them graduated in the bottom half of their class.) Doctwhores have given too many of my friends and family iatrogenic problems and chemical dependencies, and the real kicker is – when you take like ten minutes to look up what they’ve just prescribed for you, it clearly isn’t intended to help with anything remotely related to your problem. It does nothing at all, actually, although side effects may include nausea, vomiting, irritability, premature ejaculation, diarrhea, jock itch, downs syndrome, and mild forms of yellow fever.

MsPsycho said...

The first injury to my knee was when I was beaten by the officers at the Tulsa County Jail several years ago, just because I was talking ‘crap’ to them. That was when it was first injured, but it was only torn partly. A few months later while out rock climbing at Chandler Park I re-injured my knee and tore the ACL more.

The last time, which finished off my left knee, I was under arrest for possession of a piece of marijuana about this __ long. I was handcuffed behind my back, and when I went to step out of the back of the patrol car, I was pulled forward causing my left knee to dislocate. I didn’t have my balance and fell back into the seat, screaming in pain. This tore my ACL completely out and my PCL. So now pain is a daily thing.

My thing is now, I’m almost at a point where I don’t want to see another doctor, I’ve given up. Due to inactivity, from the injury, I have developed diabetes, high blood pressure, and several other medical conditions that require taking pills to control. I’m tired of taking pills. That’s why I sometimes feel like giving in to my urges.

Anonymous said...

im on probation for drug traffic i got caught with a friend of mine riding 150km/h carrying over 750 xtc pills in antwerp.the cops where very nice, i did 2 weeks jailtime and i paid a fine of 1300€ :) guess the laws are different oversea..
here they give cannabis to the really depressed people you can get it at the pharmacy with a prescription

Anonymous said...

I wish the US would get with things and realize marijuana helps with depression...way better than taking a pill that changes your brain chemistry.

Cops in the US are just dick heads. There is no reason to put someone in jail for just a piece of weed. What a waste of time!!

Anonymous said...

Boo hoo!

MsPsycho said...

Quote: "Boo Hoo!"

I can be on a self-pity party train if I want, if you don't like it you can get off the train.

Have a nice day yaS.