Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Trying Not to Hear What is Coming in so Loud

Today my emotions are all over the board. I’m going from being in a state of full blown mania, to a point of crashing down so low in the ground, that the best shovel in the world couldn’t help me dig my way out. The thing is, I knew it was coming, but I still couldn’t stop the wave. Memories from my fucked up past comes sweeping in like a F-5 tornado, swirling around, slamming pieces of debris in every direction. To calm myself, and maybe prevent more cutting, I’ve decided to return to writing again as a way to quiet my mind.

For those who do not wish to read about torture, cruel acts, or any other random acts of violence that my mind may think about in the next couple hours, then I suggest you leave this site.

I want revenge, plain and simple revenge.

My mind was obsessed with the possibilities of revenge.

I sat quietly alone in the car, looking in the direction of the place I knew he would have to appear...his job. It’s the easiest way to track a person. Find out where they work, then just follow them.

I finished smoking and flipped the remains out the window into the heavy breeze, spinning it around outside my car. I took notice of the rustling leaves that spiraled around in a circle near the curb. My eyes followed as a stray leaf broke free and wondered off in the direction of the police department. My eyes followed every twist and curve as it neared my target.

I could feel the blood rushing through my veins as the leaf came to a stop when an officer stepped outside. I smiled lightly, breathing in the essence of life that surrounded him, deep into my lungs.

I had been watching him for a long time, and fantasized many times about what I would do to him if I had the opportunity. I was looking at him like an object, not a life form like me, put a toy to be played with and used completely.

He was perfect with his short cut black hair, brown eyes, dimpled cheeks, and nice muscular built body. I was drawn towards him since the first day I saw him at the park. I felt it was fate that had brought us together and fate alone that would decide the outcome of our next meeting.

I watched him from Second and Broadway as he sat down in the his car and placed a seatbelt across his chest. I started my car as he began backing out, and then I watched him as he turned left at the light and drove right in front of me. I quickly dropped in behind him and began my pursuit, my body tingling with adrenaline.

I relentlessly followed behind him as he turned left on Main St and then right to W 2nd St. At the light he turned left to 97 going under the overpass and pulled into a Quik-Trip located on the corner in front of Wal-Mart. I followed behind him as he made his way inside. I could smell the sweet fragrance of his cologne as his body moved through the air directly in front of me. I inhaled it deeply, programming the smell permanently into my mind. We reached for a small drink cup at the same moment and our hands briefly touched, sending shock waves of adrenaline throughout my body. Was it destiny or fate?

It wasn’t until we were getting into our cars and backing out that he looked directly at me, locking eyes for a longer than usually glance. I could tell that he thought I looked familiar, but he just couldn’t quite figure out who I was at that moment. Fear that I had been caught before I was ready, sent me in the opposite direction.

The next day, I waited until his shift was almost over before I began my pursuit of following him to his home. I drove past as I watched him pull his police cruiser into his driveway. I continued on straight, looking into my rearview mirror as he stepped his huge 6’3” body out of the small confines of the drivers seat. I turned around on the next block and drove back in front of his house looking for one last glance or the opportunity to put my plan in motion.

I knew he was married for the second time, and had a couple kids, but they were nothing but a momentary thought. After all, in the end they would be okay and be able move on with their lives. She knew the risk of being with a police officer when she first began sneaking around with him while he was still married to his first wife.

It was several hours into darkness on late February eve, when I got up enough nerve to park my car just a couple hundred feet from his front door. I stepped outside, feeling the heartbeat of the earth beneath my feet. Power was flowing into me as I was drawn nearer to his essence, his life force. I could smell the coolness of the earth as I stood near a window and peered with contempt of danger. I smiled slowly as I stood near the window and reached out to run my fingertips lightly over the glassy surface. My fingertips tingled with the feeling of life under them, my body reacting to the powerful flow of adrenaline, I reached down the front of my jeans with my left hand and cupped my moist mound.

I could see him standing in the middle of the room, talking on the phone as I silently watched his lips moving to words I could not understand. His graceful movements subdue my own shaky nerves as I watch him remove his shirt. His stomach muscles were not taught but rather pudgy, as if he has enjoyed a few too many beers in his lifetime. I find it sexy for men around 40 to have this kind of look, and it sent shivers down my spine.

My left index finger separated my damp opening and began massaging in clockwise direction. I giggled lightly thinking about how I would look like a fool if someone were to pass by and see me standing there. At the moment I didn’t care, I was more into the fantasy of what I could be doing to his body after I forced him at gunpoint into the back seat of my SVU.

I would handcuff his wrists behind his back, (using his own set of cuffs of course), gag him with a thick washcloth, and then place a black hood over his face. I would then take my helpless, whimpering victim to a cabin deep in the woods, where no sound could be heard for miles.

Inside the cabin I pull off the hood and remove the gag from his mouth. After all, there is no need to fear anyone being able to hear the screams so far out in the country.

He looks around confused and disoriented, but quickly recovers and tries rushing his handcuffed body in my direction. I’m quickly able to knock him off his feet and send him falling to the floor with a loud thump.

I maneuver over his body and sit across his mid-section, “You’re fucked my friend!” I say with a little giggle. Then I slap him viciously across the face, leaving a dark red handprint across his right cheek. With a savage grin on my face, I begin punching him in the face, chest and belly, forcing him the wince in a little pain.

He was big and powerful, but my blows took some of the fight out of him. Keeping him handcuffed I cut free his shirt, pulled down his jeans, and then removed his boxers, leaving him fully exposed to my fists. I worked him over until my knuckles began to bleed and the blood from his face began to mix with mine.

When he beg me to stop, I stepped back and began to admire the nakedness of my victim. He looked luscious, with his limp cock laying to the side of his leg. I couldn’t stop myself from taking him fully into my mouth. Nature took over and after several minutes his cock began to grow. I wanted to jam his big cock deep down my throat, but first I wanted him to feel pain. There would be no more pleasure for him that day.

I walked across the old creaky floor and stood before my victim. I pulled a large hunting knife out and touched the tip to his chest.

“You will call me Tayla,” I whispered softly. “And you will treat people like me with respect from now on. Do you fucking understand?”

He nodded, and said he was sorry.

“You know I could easily kill you,” I said to him. “No one knows where we are.”

“No, please, no,” I have a family he pleaded.

“No - what - you pig? I said pressing the tip of the knife into his firm chest muscle near his heart.

His eyes opened wide at the sensation of the cold blade pressing into his flesh, bringing a small amount of blood oozing to the surface.

“I’m sorry Tayla. Please don’t kill me,” he begged.

“That’s it. Be a nice officer. Not some asshole cunt, that thinks he’s better than the rest of the world.”

“Okay Tayla, just take the knife away from my chest.”

I moved the knife away from his new wound, but held it firmly in my hand. “You don’t remember me, do you asshole?” I asked gripping the knife a little tighter in my hand.

“No Tayla, I don’t...”

“Of course you don’t,” I said placing the knife back against his skin. “Pretty little pigs like you look right past people like me. I’m not pretty enough, smart enough, or thin enough for you. You treat me as if I’m a nobody. A worthless piece of shit that should only be taken out back and shot. You think you’re too good to follow the same rules that I have to follow. I’m nothing to you but dirt under your fingernail that you can’t get rid of.”

I stuck the knife into his chest deep enough to make him let out a loud ear piercing scream. I continued to stare into his eyes at his pain, until his eyes locked with mine, then I had to look away. Even handcuffed, he had power over me, and I wanted to take that power away from him.

“You’re nothing but a fucking piece of shit, you asshole,” I screamed at him and began slamming my fist into his body. While he shrieked in agony, I thought about taking the knife and driving it deep into his belly and splitting him open. “I want you to remember me, and everything that has happened today, so that you will never forget what trauma does to a person. They are never normal again. You can’t just forget and move on. Every time you think you’re okay, someone could be lurking around some corner ready to do you harm. It never fucking goes away!!" I screamed loudly.

I took a deep breathe and looked long into his eyes. I knew I didn't want to kill him, but I did want him to feel pain. I put my hands around his neck and began squeezing him enough that it was uncomfortable. I leaned down and whispered into his ear, "I’m not going to kill you this time, but I’ll be watching you."

My thoughts were running wild as I stood rubbing my wet cunt outside his house, thinking about my fantasy to kidnap the officer. I wanted to watch him struggle to breathe. The thought sent me over the edge and my insides began to erupt. Hot warm juices began to flow. I pulled out my fingers and licked the sweetness from my fingertips. I was out of breath, but returning to sanity when lights from a car turned down the street.

The coolness of the night air felt like ocean waves caressing my body. I felt alive! I quickly retreated to my car, and continue my quest to find another officer to kidnap for my ultimate fantasy.

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