The time I normal would spend with my older son, is now my time. And to be honest I don’t really want it. I already have enough empty time on my hands. I miss the special early morning bonding with him when he was only a year old and it was just him and me. ....gotta take a break. Sorry I was having several flashbacks to some special moments we have shared over the years. Damn it sounds like he died or something, or moved a thousand miles away, but he hasn’t. He moved in with some friends that live less than a mile from here. I miss him, but I know he’s growing up and wanting to have a life of his own. Still, I just didn’t think it would happen so soon.
There is where my problem lies. With time. It has passed too quickly. He was conceived in November 1988. That was such a long time ago, but it still feels like a few blinks of my eye. I notice time too much now. Each night I go to lay down and as my head hits the pillow I think to myself, “wasn’t I doing this just a few minutes ago?” I need to find something that will make my days feel more memorable. I miss the excitement of new things. It’s not like when I was in my teens and twenties where everyday brought the possibility of something new. Now at 43, I feel like........ There’s nothing for me to do.
Tonight I sit here alone, with a clean house and nothing to do with my time but play games on face book. There’s no yelling at the boys to behave or that’s it’s time for bed...etc. Readjusting to life without them both there is hard. At one point in my life, I truly looked forward to my years when I would no longer have to pick up their dirty socks from the floor, yell at them to pick up their rooms, or to get their chores done. Now that time has arrived, and wish I could go back and do it all over again.
My younger sons 17th birthday was on Monday the 12th but we celebrated it on Saturday the 10th. It gave me a reason to call my older son and have him stop by. It allowed us to have a talk, and I let him know that I was still there if he needed anything. Since then he has stopped by a couple times and picked up his mattress, bedding, more clothing, food, and of course I gave him several boxes of dishes that I had brought last year just for him. Back then when I bought the stuff, I knew this day was coming, but it’s almost like a sudden death in the family... You don’t quite know how to react until it happens.