Thursday, October 15, 2015

The Scrambled Mind

They say if you’re crazy, you don’t know you’re crazy. But what if your mind held just enough intelligence that you knew you were crazy? Or maybe it was the fact that you had been told or overheard that you were crazy since the day you were born. Later in life came the therapy, which only proved the point that you were indeed crazy.

I’ve held secrets my entire life. This blog has been the only place I've ever shared many of my secrets. I share them with the hope that it will help reduce the number of my offenses. While others bragged about things they did wrong, I kept it to myself when at 6 years old I started my first fire. I didn’t understand why then, but only that I had to do it. I think even then I did it because I was stressed and it was the only way I could release the demons that held my mind. Maybe that's why I feel the need to now post on this blog again. It's either that, or start a fire.

Sleep eluded me last night. It seems when my disorders reach a peak, I sleep very little. Or maybe it’s the lack of sleep that makes the disorders worse. Whatever it is, I’m not sure how much more I can deal with on my own. I haven’t gone to a psych ward in many years, and really don’t relish the idea of going anytime soon. But this time I have fears the demons are winning.

Since the age of 18, I’ve been locked up more times than I care to count. All of it was linked in some way or the other to my disorders. Either I was self-medicating or I wasn’t being medicated and was allowing my mind to run wild. Being locked up is not that bad, it all depends on where I am in the stage of my disorder.  If I’m fairly stable at the time, jail doesn’t seem to bother me as bad and I can deal with the stress. If I am at the peak of my disorder, I’m reminded too much of the times when I was locked in the chicken pen as punishment by my father. My heart rate increases, I sweat, and every breath I take smells like it did when I was in the chicken pen on a hot summer day. I feel like I can’t breathe, I began holding my breaths, and if it goes on too long, I react in some stupid way. 

I hope I am able to find sleep tonight. 

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