Magic Tea

For days now, I have felt like an alien. Strangers passing by me are no doubt judging me as weird, if not completely crazy. Friends and family would just never understand. Numbers are chasing me. I seem to always look at the clock when it’s 12:34, why I don’t know, but twice day there it is; while in the car, out shopping, driving past a bank, going to bed, turning the TV to a different channel, just weird things.

To help me out, I’ve decided to make my own special blend of “magic tea”, hoping this will help me sleep. Like tonight, I just can’t seem to sleep. I’ve had the problem off and on for years now, just sometimes it gets worse and I do nothing but toss and turn all night. I’ve tried the over the counter sleep medicines, which didn’t help at all, and the doctors always want to give me things like Trazodone. Thinking that will somehow fix me.

So instead, I make my own. At first it doesn’t taste good, but gets better with each sip.  I guess the added alcohol doesn’t hurt. By the time I’m finished with a large cup, I’m slowly drifting off to sleep for 6 or more hours of uninterrupted sleep. Feels great when I’m able to sleep that long.

Last night after not having a cup I began dreaming that I was robbing a bank, but just as I got all the money and was walking out the bank I was shot repeatedly in the chest by many officers. I spent the rest of the night awake. The nightmares always continue until I drink more of my ‘magic tea’.  

I just finished an extra-large cup of my ‘magic tea’. I hope tonight sleep will find me running through fields of tall sun flowers to reach the other side.  

Last Breath

One more down, a voice whispered in my ear. Another voice whispered, let’s go get another one.

As the day drawls closer, I continue to have visions that are better seen in a made up horror movie. Taking three steps, lifting my arm out straight with gun in hand, pointing it at their head, I pull the trigger, and then I calmly walk away, get in my car and drive to the next target. One by one, I see the bodies fall.

People kill for different reasons, money, greed, anger, but for me, I think its revenge. I consider it a valid thing to do in some cases. The legal system fails by locking up the non-violent offenders, and those that rape, and commit other heinous crimes remain free.  So why not give to them and little of what they have been giving.

I can’t adjust to the ‘crazy pills’, so for now I have stopped taking them. Right now everything seems to be in a fog, life feels unreal. I want to cut to bring myself back to some sort of normal, but yet I don’t. I’ve thought about getting another tattoo, but I don’t have enough money for that. A couple year ago a good friend offered to pay for a large tattoo on my right arm…she said it would help me stop wanting to cut, so I thought why not.  I haven’t cut since then. It has been almost 2 years. The longest I’ve gone without cutting since I was 6 years old.  I was hoping I could save up enough money to get another one and then I wouldn’t be tempted to cut, but that is not going to happen now. 

I'm going to postpone my last breath as long as possible and try to keep one more secret to myself. 

One is Never Cured

The problem with keeping secrets is that they are alive sometimes. I like to think that my secrets can lie quietly in my mind, as dirt lies quietly on the ground. But when a storm comes, dirt tends to blow around everywhere. Secrets aren’t just our creations, they are our creatures, beings with wills of their own and they will grow. The scariest thing about secrets is that they want out. My secrets often try to escape into an open for all to see, because keeping them to myself sometimes leads to my complete psychological destruction. My secrets are simply a part of my life that has been forced into hiding.

It’s right around 1 in the morning, and I’ve only had 6 hours of sleep in 2 days. Eventually my body and mind will crash. I’ve just been racking my brain trying to think why I did what I did, and what was going through my mind at the time. I had to force the chemical imbalance to shift in my brain in order to feel some sort of relief, peace, and even completion. Maybe even make life feel fair again. I guess it’s all due to the need to be accepted as I am, but I know that can never happen as long as there is a part of me that no one sees or knows.

“Seizing the opportunity to momentarily exercise control when the perception is one of powerlessness.”