Sunday, March 29, 2009

I’m Going to Cry a River, Just so I Can Drown in it

While hibernating, I had a re-occurring dream that is very disturbing, and brought back all my old fears and anxieties. I haven’t had the dream in a long time, and each one that I do have, tends to be a little different, yet still mostly the same theme. I’ve never told anyone the dreams, mostly because of the shame I feel. Posting it here online, allows me to get it out of my mind, and knowing someone has read about it, makes it a little easier to deal with. Yet, I can’t talk about it to my best friend, or closest relative. It’s like a lot of things in my life, I write about it on this blog, but those closest around me, will never know these thoughts.

I was taking a shower, and my father came into the bathroom, (just like he did when I was 19), but instead of me screaming at him telling him to leave, in the dream he overpowered me and then he raped me while standing in the tub. Looking out the window in the bathroom as he committed the act, I saw very dark ominous clouds and the beginning of a heavy downpour of large drops of rain. As he finished the horrid act, outside, just below the bathroom window, I saw a woman’s corpse rise up out of the muddy ground. Fear overtook my mind and I tried to scream.

I woke to the dark, empty stillness of my bedroom, with my heart racing wildly in my chest. I felt sick to my stomach, and was disgusted that he was able to violate me still, by being in my dreams. All day I’ve tried to shake the relentless, taunting dream, but it continues to haunt my every thought. The torturous intensity of the dream led me to do a little research online to the meaning behind the dream. Here’s a little what I found out:

Dreaming of being raped, suggests that you are feeling violated in some way or being taken advantage of. You feel that someone or something is being forced upon you.

Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.

To dream that you have been raped, indicates vengeful feelings toward the opposite sex. Having this experience in a dream has nothing to do with sex, as is true in real life.

If you were a rape victim, the traumatic nature of this experience may cause you to have a dream like this from time to time.

Dark clouds and a heavy downpour indicate feelings of isolation and helplessness.
Seeing a corpse-- Desire to keep something hidden.

And finally, what do they suggest?... Seeking help if the dream continues to re-occur. I’m not sure I want to go to sleep and find out if I’m going to dream about him again. Think I’ll just stay awake a little longer. Besides, how is someone going to stop my dreams from happening?

I still can’t confess about a lot of things in my life, because admitting them makes it that much more real.

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