Saturday, January 14, 2006

Life Blows


I feel like I’m pushing an elephant up the stairs.

At the tender age of 12 I began praying to God to let me die.

I remember vividly how comforting the idea of dying was: I could go to sleep one night and just never wake up. I had no way of knowing that in order to escape by death, it would likely be necessary for me to have an active hand in my demise. I wanted to die, yet I had no real concept of suicide. All I knew was that I was hurting, big time, and that I would continue in agony until death intervened. My younger sister was only 8 years old that summer. We spent our time at the barn discussing what had happened to Dustin. To pass time we wrestled heavy bales of hay from huge stacks and place them in a way to form a small enclosed space that we could walk into. It was a place to hide, and at times be alone with your own thoughts.

I recalled how I was told by others that in a time of need all I had to do was call out to God and He would provide for me. One day, I felt I couldn’t take the way I was feeling anymore and cried out to God, “Okay, God, this is it…this is my time of need. Please help me to live with the way I feel. “Can you see me God? If you can see me, please help!” I shouted. “Whatever it takes, do it now.” “I don’t want to live anymore. If you can’t help me, please then just let me die.”
Inability to experience joy.

I rarely cried anymore. I didn’t have to. I was barely functional, plagued by waves of fear, an overwhelming sense of impending doom. I welcome death by other it accident or illness. I often wished I would get a terminal illness so that I would not have to deal with either life or death.

Psychopaths wear the mask of sanity

Some people believe there is a biological predisposition or faulty [brain] wiring, and others suggest that serial killers fail to bond during early childhood," Levin explains.

Levin says that most of them have suffered as children. "They are often physically or verbally abused, abandoned, adopted under terrible circumstances or violated by a parent and grow up with profound feelings of powerlessness," he says.

"From what I have seen, most serial killers don't begin their killing spree until their late 20s, 30s or 40, and that gives us a clue," Levin says. "It's not just childhood that creates these monsters, as most people who suffer as children grow up and become upstanding citizens. But for some reason, serial killers don't age gracefully."

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