Thursday, July 06, 2006

The girl with the broken smile.

Life is like a jigsaw puzzle…it’s handed to you at birth, and slowly as you age you put the pieces together. And just like any puzzle sometimes you lose piece and have to take out time to look for it then put it where it belongs.

Sometimes I feel like I’ve lost too many pieces.
I lost my first piece the day my daddy took my innocence’s away.
Being told I was a nobody, scattered pieces everywhere.
Tears washed a piece away the day a good friend died.
I lost several while I was busy using drugs.

Anger scatter even more when I realized how hard it was to try and move on with my life. A bargain with the Devil burnt a few pieces around the edge, and left a piece missing near my heart.

My puzzle is a big mess and I’m running out of time to find all the pieces and put it together. I’m afraid there are some pieces I may never recover no matter how hard I try.


Anonymous said...

Has your abuser ever been punished for the hell he put you through? My heart aches for you. I hope somewhere there is justice and that the piece of shit gets what he deserves. Where was your mother when all this shit was going on? Do you have relationships with any of these people now?

MsPsycho said...

My father is now dead, he died a few years back. That was when I finally decided to tell my story instead of keeping everything a secret.
Most of the abuse that went on, occured while my brother was in the hospital, and then whenever my father could get me alone. Mom was lead to believe that I was treated special because I was daddy's little girl.
Even after my half sister came forth and admitted to everyone that he had abused her too, they still didn't want to accept that it had been happening to me for years.
So now I don't get along with the rest of my family. I moved just a few hours away, but it's far enough that we do not visit each other but once a year any more. My mom has never came to my house.
They don't talk about it and neither do I. Except for on here. This is my place to finally be to tell someone what happened. It's my way of trying to recover.

brion3335 said...

Life can be like a jigsaw puzzle; when all the pieces are assembled, you have a better picture or understand what is before you; however, the picture you see is fixed and if left undisturbed, would remain the same. Life is not stagnant; it is dynamic and being so, changes take place with or without you. I know through my own life difficulties that if you are standing still; life will pass you by. You have encounted more difficulties than anyone could possible ever deserve; you did nothing wrong, but, you are left with the burden of piecing your own life back together. I am grateful to you for sharing your stories; I believe sincerely, one of your missions is to tell the rest of us who remain so troubled, that there is hope for us too. By evidence of this site and what you have thought to share, one of my hopes is to accept that there are good people still in this world; I know by what you have written that you are one of these; and I pray there are many more. I also pray that no one else needs to tell their story as you are, and I am so desperately trying to say. What worries me about you; within your post "The girl with the broken smile", you say that you are running out of time to find all the pieces. How much time do you have? What happens when all the pieces are assembled; are you then able to move on and enjoy life, as I can only hope it should; or are you setting yourself up for more disappointments in life, as nothing is perfect and you'll, as the rest of us, will find more pieces of the proverbial puzzle where none of them fit. You say you have made a bargain with the devil and I believe I understand what you mean; but, the devil has no friends and it is his intention, his mission, that each of us are more miserable than he. The devil has many tools and resources; each of them take different shapes and sizes; a pill, a razorblade, or a man called dad. What is the meaning of life? Why is there life. Why are we all here? I don't have all the answers either and I am far from perfect. But, I know when I see a little child look up at me and smile, when I hear the sound of a child laugh; and when I cry, she cries, I know that is good; and I know that she provided one of the answers to some of the above. Is life worth living despite all of our hardships; give me a smile without conditions, and my answer is absolute and yes.

MsPsycho said...

Thanks Brion for posting. When I say my days are running out, I guess it's because I feel so old sometimes, and feel like giving up. For me suicide thoughts have always been a part of my life, and at times its worse than usual. I then feel like death is just waiting around the corner for me, so I might as well not wait for it to get me.

It sounds sick, but a cut of the skin in some unseen area, gives me my temporary reprieve. It gives me enough of a boost to wake me, so I don't have to commit suicide.