Friday, April 28, 2006

Its a cold world when you have to hide all by yourself.

This is my place to cry and to be able to let go of some of the hate that I keep so tightly stored during the day. Right now everything and everybody seem to be driving me nuts. I can go anywhere by myself any more, because HE thinks Ill get in trouble, so he checks the mileage on the car each night now just to make sure I don’t go anywhere. The only time I leave the house now is when he drives me to the store once a week, and then it’s back to the dark cave in the bedroom. Hell even when I was driving I had to hurriedly make it back sometimes or HE would be so pissed off and angry that I was late and then he always demanded to know where I was.
In the beginning he was so nice, and things I thought were going to be wonderful. He moved in with me the night after the first time we had sex. He told me he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with just me. He said I was the perfect woman for him, and it made me feel special. Still, I wasn’t sure I was ready for another relationship, but there he was from the time I woke up until the time I went to bed. After only a few weeks of living together, I realized I just couldn’t be the perfect woman that he thought I should be. He expected me to just automatically know all his needs and wants, and then I was to make sure they were fulfilled.

I tried talking to a few of my friends about how I didn’t know what to do, and they all suggested that I leave him right then and there, but I thought somehow I could change him. One day we got into a really big fight and I screamed at him I should just do as my friends said leave him. It was the worse thing I could have said, and it was also the last time I spoke to any of my friends. We moved to another town where I knew no one, and he liked it that way, and did not want me to make any new friends. So that’s the way it’s been for the past 15 years. He has now convinced me that I was the one who didn’t want anyone around. It’s just that I’ve grown use to the isolation.

After all these years I still expect things to get better, but they never have, they’ve only continued to get worse. Over the years when I threatened to leave he would sometimes hold me down and tell me I wasn’t going anywhere. We were together until we died together. He tells me I’m the reason he becomes so angry, I make him that way, so I try as hard as I can to make things easy on him. Things are okay for a long time sometimes and then suddenly without warning he changes into another person and no matter how hard I try I can not do anything right.

At times I feel like I’m at the end of my rope, I don’t know what to do. Saturday night is our usual night to have sex, no matter what else is going on. I should have known better when I told him I didn’t want to have sex because I just didn’t feel good. It turned him into the other person. He began screaming and cussing at me, then he threw things across the room and kicked the trashcan everywhere. You ain’t any fucking good, bitch. Why didn’t you say something earlier if you didn’t want to have sex? You know we have sex every Saturday night. So what’s your fucking problem? He continued to call me every foul name that he could think of, until I finally gave in. I wanted him to just calm down, so I told him I would take a bath and that would make me feel better and we could have sex. After smoking a very large blunt that he made me roll, he told me to turn over. I still didn’t really want to have sex, so I just laid there barely moving until he was done.

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