Monday, February 20, 2006

Addiction Rules your Life

Yes I am addicted to marijuana and have been for 21 years. I have used it off and on (mostly on) since the age of eighteen. I continued to steadily smoke until the age of 23 when I found out I was pregnant. I felt I had to give my unborn child the best possible start in life, so I quit that very day I left the Doctors office. I was still clean when had my second child and stayed that way up until he was two years old.Stress and pressures from friends was the reason I gave for returning to smoking weed. Plus at the time I was living with someone who was addicted and said he would never quit. He changed the old saying to ‘they can take away my weed when they pry it from my cold dead hands’. It was true, as many times as I asked him to quit, he just wouldn’t. He said it was the only thing that keeps him sane, and I almost had to agree with him again. When he didn’t have any, he was a complete asshole, quick to anger, ready to start a fight over the simplest of things. The bad arguments (the ones when the police were usually called by some neighbor), happened because he wanted to spend more money than we could afford to spend. Of course I only told the cops we were fighting about money, because I have learned you just don’t dare mention it was about drugs. If you admitted it was about the drugs the next question out of the officer’s mouth is “are there any drugs in the house?”I want to yell at him “don’t be such a dumbass, why do you think we were fighting in the first place officer? If we had some weed we would be high, laying down in bed, watching old reruns on TV and munching on some delightful tasting high calorie food. We wouldn’t be fighting.”
Instead I have learned to be polite, and answer with an honest looking no. “Sorry officer we were just yelling about money, he left and everything is fine.” ……..The words “FOR NOW!!!!” screamed so loud in my brain, that it made my head hurt.

The real problem… The last ounce he bought wasn’t any good, so he quickly smoked it, trying to achieve a high of some sort and only became angry that he didn’t feel anything after smoking several joints back to back. The dealer is not like Wal-Mart where if you don’t like it you can return it; when you buy bad drugs there is no one to complain to, so you’re stuck with whatever you get. A drug addict won’t just wait until another payday; they have to have more, and will do whatever it takes to get it.“It’s my money; I can spend it any way I want!” he yelled at me after I told him he couldn’t have half of the light bill money to get a sack. “Fuck you bitch!” he said grabbing the money from my purse and began walking away.“I need the bill paid so we don’t get the electric shut off. I don’t want the boys going without”. That hit him hard, it always did. I used the boys often, hoping that somehow that would help him to change into the type of person I thought he should be.

He was a hard working man, who went to work everyday, until the day he got laid off. He received unemployment, which barely paid the bills, so he felt he had to find a way to maintain the drug habit.Then came the talking me into it part, “Don’t worry about things, I’ll just sell to people I know. I’ll buy enough weed that I can sell some and make the money back plus a little extra. Just trust me.” So the weed selling began, but there were no real profits, because basically we smoked it up. I was under stress and the weed occupied our time together. We spent more time in search of weed or smoking weed than we did spending time with the boys. If a fight started over anything, we would just go smoke more weed. Before long we were smoking just as much weed as we were selling and even began growing a few plants for our own personal use. I was so afraid that someone was going to find out and I didn’t want to take the chance of losing my boys. I couldn’t take it any more and wanted to stop, but had no idea how to stop what had become a big part of life. It became a viscous cycle that I felt I could never get out of.Finally a move and a new job started, but the weed habit is still going strong.The weed habit began to be a real problem for me after I was caught several times in possession of marijuana. It was always for a very small amount; half joint one time, two roaches another time, and the last one was for a piece about this ___ long. I swear to God Oklahoma’s laws on weed sure need to change. But then there are times like now when I wish with all my heart that I could quit. I’m almost 40, so I’ve been smoking a long time and I’m always thinking about quitting for several reasons. One my health, I’m overweight and I know it’s from a lot of the junk food that I eat because the weed makes food taste better which makes me so damn fucking hungry all the time. (Hold on, got the munchies.)On the other side I like weed because it still helps me to relax and take my mind off things. I feel like I can think better while on weed, or at least I believe it makes my mind more creative. I tend to talk a lot more and be more social when I’m high.When I’m not high, I’m laid back and withdrawn and feel like I want to spend most of day in bed sleeping the day away. It’s like I just don’t want to face the world.So guess until the right time comes I’m left stuck somewhere in-between here and there.

1 comment:

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